People need to understand that the point ISN’T “being single is not a failure if you’re aromantic”, the point is being single is not a failure full stop.

You can be allo and be single; it’s allowed. You feeling attraction doesn’t mean your priority NEEDS to be finding romance (it can be! But it also can not).

Being single should be normalized no matter what your romantic/sexual orientation is. It isn’t a tragedy.

"Normalising it" won't change that I can afford half as much house as my partnered friends, that I can't have a pet because looking after it myself with a full time job would be too hard, and that if I have an emergency at home they won't find me for days. The primary problems of me being single are not social.

Okay and? Normalizing it would still solve lots of problems, if only social ones (but also why do you think everything in our amatonormative society is made to be more accessible for two?).

Also, platonic housemates exist. You don’t need to have a partner to live with someone else, sharing expenses, pets and whatnot.

Thinking about it, and I’d like to forward the idea that prejudice against single people (aromantics, asexuals, and also just… anyone who does not have a romantic partner) follows dynamics less like anti-queer bigotry and more akin to anti-fat bigotry.

Fatness, like singlehood, is seen at large as a state of failure. Everybody is supposed to want to be [thin / partnered], and if you are not, that is a personal failure on your part, and you are pathetic and mock-worthy. The popular idea is that of course everybody wants to be [thin / partnered], and everybody is striving towards the goal, and anybody who is not [thin / partnered] is either temporarily inconvenienced on their way to correctness, or has something fundamentally wrong with them. And because [fatness / singlehood] is something that is treated as fixable, if you have not fixed it, then there is something wrong with you—and thus discriminating against you is acceptable, because your [fatness / singlehood] is based on your own bad choices.

The world is, in some cases quite literally, not built for fat or single people. If you are fat or single, the world is much more difficult or expensive to live in, because it is structurally designed for the assumption that you are thin or that you have a partner. The normative Person, after all, is thin and romantically partnered. If you are not thin or not romantically partnered, there is something fundamentally less human about you.

[Fatness / singlehood] is something embarrassing, something worth mocking others over, something that reflects your fundamental unworthiness. Every fictional hero is thin, every fictional happy ending ends with romance. Everyone in your life is either quietly or not-so-quietly worried about you.

And all this is fine and acceptable. Because in the general perception, [fatness / singlehood] is not a real axis of bigotry. It’s a choice! You could just become a different person and stop being [fat / single]! You deserve the mockery, the derision, the attempts to fix you, the world not accommodating you, because you could just become a better person and stop being [fat / single] at any point. So it’s your own fault people treat you badly, really.

Normal human people.

When I stay around normal human people for a bit too long I forget. Then they say something 'Imagine being single after 40' 'That's so sad'

And I remember.

It does actually blow me away that amatonormativity (the societal belief that everyone thrives best in and should desire a monogamous romantic relationship) is not a more frequently discussed topic in activist spaces because it is so fucking useful to describe so many aspects of society relating to misogyny, abuse, financial pressure, medical restrictions, family structures, etc but it's either completely unheard of or treated as a joke.

And frankly, as an aro and acespec person, I am fully fucking aware that the refusal of a lot of people on tumblr to use the term amatonormativity is centered around aphobia because apparently no one else is affected by lressure to be in a monogamous romantic relationship enough to talk about it, right? I am tired.

official intersectionality post

proof that amatonormativity not only affects aspec people but everyone else as well, everyone regardless of sexuality feels the constant pressure to date & settle down with someone which isn't something that everyone wants nor prioritizes in their life even if they're not aspec

(from the book "pillow forts and hurricanes" by margherita scialla)

[ID: text: "But Emma was neither aromantic nor asexual, so she still felt the obligation to date. She thought that if she didn't, she might have accidentally stolen an experience that wasn't hers to have. But one doesn't need to be part of a specific identity group to not date. Anyone can decide to not pursue relationships for whatever reason they want, be it serious or not. In all these years, however, it had never occurred to Emma that this freedom could apply to her as well." /end ID]

People need to understand that the point ISN’T “being single is not a failure if you’re aromantic”, the point is being single is not a failure full stop.

You can be allo and be single; it’s allowed. You feeling attraction doesn’t mean your priority NEEDS to be finding romance (it can be! But it also can not).

Being single should be normalized no matter what your romantic/sexual orientation is. It isn’t a tragedy.

Oh absolutely! The virgin loser narrative needs to cease its existence yesterday

[ID: #and if i may add: same goes for having little or no sexual experience]

Hot take: if you can’t enjoy yourself while single you shouldn’t be dating

so so confused by this culture of amanormativity. i was describing the love i have for my best friend the other day, and someone said "so you love them romantically. that's how it works" and no. no, that's not how it works. at all. intense and profound and overwhelming feelings of friendship and affection and adoration don't automatically tick over into romantic once they reach a certain level. my love for my best friend is deep and strong, and it hits me like a tidal wave sometimes. but it's not romantic

i think the worst part of the "everyone thinks i'm dating my best friend" bit is the amount of people that ask "well if she was gay too you'd want to date her right?" and like no. i'm not attracted to her like that. i'm not settling for best friendship because she likes men. this isn't a second choice. the shape of my love for her is profound and bone deep and wholly platonic. she's not my best friend because girlfriend wasn't an option, she's my best friend because that's how i love her. how i want to and how i choose to love her. day in and day out it's an active and wanted choice, never a concession. with a bond so deep it aches to see her hurt, and it fills my heart endlessly to see her happy, and not once have i ever had a romantic thought for her.

"There's this unspoken but common belief that romantic relationships are the Ultimate Relationship, that they're somehow more important than friendships, family relationships, and any other kind of relationship. But ask yourself this: If that Ultimate Relationship crumbles, what's left? That's right: your friends and family. So why do people prioritize a relationship that isn't always guaranteed to be permanent?"

-Hopeless Aromantic by Samantha Rendle

some aspec people, before they Knew, thought they were broken. some thought they were the Only Sane Person in vicinity.

I was the latter

“why are people so obsessed with finding a boyfriend??? Why are they so embarrassed about being 18 and not having had sex yet???”

Which honestly I do still think are bad ways to live romanticism and sexuality. The freaking out about not having sex wouldn’t be a thing if society wasn’t so filled with compulsory sexuality and making ""virgins"" feel inadequate. People could want a partner without being obsessed with the idea, if again society didn’t tell them that they need the One Special Person and nothing else matters.

you’d never get it i have sick and twisted fantasies (making every character aromantic)

sometimes u see people talking about two characters dating and getting married and you know deep inside your heart those characters would be repulsed at the prospect or At most if they were to marry it’d be from an internal conflict with their own feelings and almost out of obligation to conform to what they think they want and the marriage would end in a divorce after a year once they finally realize they never felt a romantic desire for each other in that way. tbh.

i just think more people need to realize that dynamics between characters dont need to become romantic for them to subsequently progress more deeply in each others lives.

a lot of people get caught up in the “Oh but i want them to be the most special people to each other so they have to be romantic?” and well.. no👍 you can explore dynamics and what characters have without defaulting them to a romantic category just for the sake of saying they’re each others person

i think sometimes a lot of people, unintentionally, by doing that miss the actual potential and interesting element of what makes the dynamic appealing in the first place

I know romantic couples where the husband is the third-wheel between the wife and her best friend, not even kidding

why isn’t there a single god damn movie that doesn’t have a romantic subplot. why is everything centred around romance. a story can be still be interesting if the boy and the girl don’t kiss at the end ??

i’ll be enjoying a movie and then BAM the male and female leads just admitted feelings for each other. it’s not even a trope at this point because it’s literally EVERY film. what the hell is going on?

is that not like. a major flaw in the film writing industry if every film does like same thing like i am actually so confused about this

Male character: I'm not attracted to women.

Fandom: Oh, he's gay.

Female character: I'm not attracted to men.

Fandom: Oh, she's a lesbian.

Any character: I'm not attracted to anybody.

Fandom: Well, we don't know that they're ace/aro/aroace. It's open for interpretation. They're not canonically ace/aro/aroace unless they specifically say they are.

Hmmmm. I wonder why we're so frustrated in fandom spaces. I wonder if there's a reason.

“unless they specifically say they are” which, coincidentally, in some fandoms would never happen.

"Just friends"

hate hate hate hate hate that phrasing so much.

I know people (mostly) say it without thinking. Still hate it. There’s nothing "just" about friendship. Romance isn’t the next step in a relationship pyramid.

Friends is a wonderful thing to be, and if you want to argue there are "no platonic explanations" for x thing, think again, because yeah there are.

Shipping is fine and all but don’t be so amatonormative to devalue friendship.

being an ace/aro writer in a class of non-ace/aro writers is just a huge reminder than so many people don’t view found family or platonic partnership as something deeply emotional and important. Like I keep getting the question “why does character A care about character B if they aren’t attracted to each other?” or insinuations that romance and sex are the height of love and therefore should be in every story

like I’m tired of hearing “lol I really thought they were gonna get together at the end” just because there are two characters that care deeply for each other. They ARE together dummy, just not romantically or sexually!! There’s so much more to love than those two things.