Do you know their wishes?

Suppose your loved one was unconscious in the midst of a health crisis. If you had to make treatment decisions for them, would you know what to say? Making the choices that are right for your relative requires knowing their preferences in advance. Have you had that conversation with them? Here are some tips: 

Use a soft approach. Make it about your need to know versus their being frail. Choose a place that is comfortable and quiet. And allow plenty of time. Some possible starters:

• "Dad, you're doing great now. But you know me, I like to be prepared. I want to be able to speak your mind if you can't."
• "Auntie, my friend just went through a horrible time having to guess what her mom would like. It's important for me to know so I'm not left guessing." 

Don't be upset if your loved one does not want to respond at first. They may need time to think. Healthcare and death are highly charged topics!

Plan on several conversations. It can help to begin by naming what "quality of life" looks like to your relative.

• Treatment and pain. Would they want treatment to stay alive as long as possible? Or are comfort and quality of life more important?
• Breathing. Would your relative want help to breathe? On a temporary basis only? "Forever?"
• Eating and drinking. Would they want food and liquid mechanically supplied if eating was not possible? Only temporarily? "Forever?"
• Preferred setting. Would your relative want to be at home? Or in a setting with professional care 24/7? Get details about favorite wishes and dreaded scenarios.

These conversations may help your family member complete an advance directive if they haven't already. And, if appropriate, a Medical Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (MOLST) form. Be aware their wishes may change with time. Plan to check in yearly to stay up to date.

Need help discussing healthcare decisions with a loved one?

We recognize that these conversations can be nuanced and challenging. Or maybe you and your relative need some guidance with translating their wishes into an advance directive. As the Monroe County and Ontario County experts in family caregiving, we at Aging Well Rochester have years of experience with facilitating value-informed decision making in matters both great and small. Give us a call at 585-271-0400 to learn more.