tinypinkmouse | (no subject)

A while back there was a quite upsetting incident on the biggest Guardian discord, where I was accused of stealing my fic ideas. It was unfounded and the whole thing was extremely unpleasant. I don't want to talk about the specifics more than that, but I thought maybe it'd help me try to write down my subsequent feelings, because I am very much not okay with things still and see if I can't actually try to figure out how I am feeling about things.

I haven't been active on said discord, or on twitter, or in anything but very, very small or entirely non-Guardian spaces since then. I don't really feel like interacting with the Guardian fandom at large. In fact, there's this lingering resentment towards the fandom. Not specific people but the fandom as some kind of collective entity, and the feeling is not exactly founded because the fandom at large has done nothing wrong at all.

That's, I think where my current problem comes from. See, I haven't stopped writing Guardian fic. I just don't really feel like sharing them anymore. But I don't want to keep them to myself either, I like people reading and liking my things. So I want to post the fics, but I also don't want to post them. And I don't know what to do about it. Should I just push past those feelings and post anyway? I might get over it if I do.

Looking at all of this now that it's been a few weeks (I think, I'm not going to go back and check the exact time because that would mean seeing all that stuff again), I think distancing myself from that largest Guardian discord has actually been a good thing for me. I hadn't realised what a source of stress it had become lately. But I definitely miss talking to people. I'm also upset because the whole incident ended up with other people leaving the discord server. And I feel somewhat guilty about it, even though I know none of it was my choice.

It feels silly, I suppose, to be so upset about this. But I tell myself I am definitely allowed to feel how I feel about it. I just wish I could figure out what, if anything, I want to do now.

Well, I don't know if this helped at all. But at least I managed to put some of my current issues into words? It doesn't feel so much like I'm just turning everything over in my head again and again when I put it into words, even though not that many people will be reading my dreamwidth these days it still feels better to at least have the illusion of talking to someone instead of just yourself. :D

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think your feelings are absolutely valid. It makes perfect sense to me that there would be this lingering feeling about not wanting to post and share things, because the last time you posted something that happened. It's possible if you wait a little longer for your feelings to process you might feel a bit better about the situation; it's also possible that your idea of just trying to push through it might help. If it feels too out of your comfort zone, though, other than lack of feedback from other people I don't think there would be any harm in waiting a little longer, if that's what you think you might need/you're not ready to commit to posting something yet?

(You also have the option of sharing them in smaller spaces - before AO3 people used to post their fic directly to their journals or in fandom communities, which would be a smaller and specifically restricted audience if you locked the post or (in eg. sid_guardian) made the post members-only - or of course directly into the Guardian Lantern, although that's only an audience of three! ^^;)

I also want to be very clear that you don't need to feel guilty about my or other people's choices; I had already made the Guardian Lantern server when those accusations went down, and it was entirely for my own reasons (and previous unpleasant incidents) - I'm just sorry that I hadn't gotten around to inviting you yet when the accusations happened. You suffered direct harm as a result of other people's actions (and also inactions; I don't expect the mods will ever address what happened, either publicly or by responding to my message, and a quiet edit additional note in the Rules channel that no-one will notice exists unless they specifically go looking for it isn't a fucking acceptable response!!!!) and you most definitely should not feel guilty about that and the associated fall out. *hugs*

Thinking about it, I think what might grate on me the most is the implication that it's entirely fine to cause harm because there's a chance it might prevent harm, which is what certain people's opinions came off as. And basically the only reason why one type of harm is okay and not the other, is because their personal experience and judgement.

I have considered posting things to smaller spaces. But I don't know that one place would be better than another unless I really do just give the fics to specific people directly or something. Besides I kinda like the fact that all my fic is in one place (ao3, I mean). (I don't know where all of my fic are from the olden days, because I've forgotten where I put it.)

(To give the mods of the discord server some credit, they did reach out to me. Not that I've been in much mood to talk about the whole incident, so it wasn't a long exchange. But yes, I do wish there would be something more... public, I suppose. If nothing else, I do think everyone in the server deserves some sort of reassurance, maybe. Something anyway.)

People can be awful for no good reason - I'm sorry you encountered such nastiness. I ended up all but abandoning a very small comm. I founded, because of the unpleasantness of a few people and sock puppets. But I would love to read more of your Guardian fic - and I'm sure many others would, too. So I hope you will post it. *hugs* (if you want them!)

It just all took me so by surprise. :(

Thank you. I'm almost sure I will post something again, but I'm not sure at all if that could be tomorrow or a month from now.