Halloween

Taqueant colloquia effugiat risus hic locus est ubi mors gaudet succurrere vitae

Let conversation cease, let the smile flee, for this is the place where Death delights to help Life

Leaves from the vine, falling so slow
Like fragile, tiny shells drifting in the foam
Little soldier boy, come marching home
Brave soldier boy comes marching home

“I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic.” — Charles de Lint

“I say unto you: one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. I say unto you: you still have chaos in yourselves.” — Nietzsche

Instead of doing this yearly at Christmas time, I'll just put up a permanent post on my journal. This is for astrellaria, proof that it's me:

Feel free to include your birthday as well. I send for Christmas, birthdays, and Valentine's. EDIT As of the end of 2024, I'm no longer doing Valentines/Christmas cards! However, I am still doing BIRTHDAY CARDS. Please leave your birthday and your plurk handle so I can attach it appropriately!

All comments are screened! And I'll give you mine if you'd like.

<b>Name you want on envelope:</b> Can be your alias if you use that or the real name <b>Address:</b> Pretty simple, include the PO Box if you use that, update if it changes over the course of the year. Just write it the way that it appears on letters addressed to you!

{Take the 100 Things challenge!}

Click the tag 100 books that i love to see the entries!

<center><img src=""> <h1></h1> <small><i></i></small></center><blockquote></blockquote>Published , # pages—

List of books I've read the past two years plus this year so far. More for me to keep track—because sometimes I buy the books and need to know exactly where I am.

( Read more... )

Mammogram was had, and another anomaly was found. This time it's something they want to biopsy. So that is gonna be a consultation on Monday. I'm not having a good mental state because of that one. Trying to avoid it, trying to distract. It's just a consultation but...

Anyway. It's getting warmer. I need to contact Jessica. I need to stop putting it off. My hair is absolutely annoying the hell out of me. Same with getting my eyes checked. My skin reviewed. Windshield replaced. Passport gotten...

I don't really have anything to update outside of that. I'm gone to bed.

EDIT 5/5

Consultation had. They wanna do the biopsy... Especially considering the family history; though aunt D said she and aunt C had testing and neither had the brca 1 or 2 genes. Also need dentist appointment.

The pages have been blank again. I swear... Anyway. We've got three out of the four babies born now: Ryver, Violet, and whatever Ginny named her new baby. We've had them all for a while, to be fair, but I just learned recently about Ginny's since there wasn't a big announcement or a baby shower or anything. But because she has like three kids, she probably didn't think she needed one for the fourth?

Been trying to declutter and organize. That includes going through my dresser finally. I'm forcing myself to try things on to see how they fit, if they still fit well, and then decide whether or not I want to keep them. I did one drawer and only got rid of two shirts for now. A third I'm seeing if Amaya wants since it's her style print wise, but if not it'll be donated. I've also been lightly cleaning things in my bedroom, I really want to get rid of that stupid box this year. But I do also like having something there to hold things. So maybe I need to look into a replacement that might also work as better storage. ...And then I get horribly distracted for like 15 minutes looking up said replacement.

Saw this year's Coachella, and honestly it was kinda meh in comparison to last year, even though I was more familiar with the names that came this year. Watched more... But I only went back to Week Two for XG. Keshi, Jennie, LISA, Enhypen—and then I get distracted again for another fifteen minutes but this time focusing on my tattoo because I had an idea about it while cleaning earlier. Back to Coachella, listened to Charli XCX when she played and also the group Meute that played before Keshi. They got a new fan in me, the latter.

Work has been good, since I switched to days I get a lot more done and I feel more like myself again. So it's just the slow process of being "hey, dumbbutt, take care of yourself" in the sense that I can now shower without feeling like it's a loss of time. (It still is, in my brain, but it's better.) But I do have to remind myself to uh...not eat a shit ton at lunch because I'm getting two full meals if I do. And that's not gonna help with any kind of further weight loss. I just need to get off my ass and now make an appointment with Jessica's girl to get my hair done. It's so long and I want it gone.

But having time to myself has also given me a chance to catch up to Wuthering Waves stuff. Now I need to get myself back into the Guild Wars 2 nonsense. I haven't touched the new release stuff at all and we'll be getting the next expansion in June. Heading back to WuWa, started playing Cantarella and I'm enjoying her. Not enough probably to app her into a game or anything, since she's probably gotten all the story that she's gonna get. But I'm enjoying putting her on memes.

Now I'm hungry and getting more and more distracted. So I'm gonna go ahead and post this and then get something to eat.

WEH. Don't quite have my new computer set up yet. I have it, though! Just need to get a new external—which is ready for pick up—that can fit all my shit. I have so much shit... I blame a lot of it on games, especially Guild Wars 2. I mean...having over 12 years of screenshots is...a lot. I might start dedicating time to go through at least a year's worth for one character once a night and see if there's anything not worth keeping or if there's some screenshot potential.

Got my appointment for taxes set up for next week! Also have my doctor's appointment in the morning, not sure if she wants to do a physical, so gotta shave this weekend and touch up Monday night. Then I'll have to shave again next weekend for my OB appointment. Need to shave anyway... My legs are getting hairy is an understatement.

Gonna be able to switch to days next month! I can't wait because I'm struggling with this current sleep schedule. I feel like I get nothing done. And I am getting depressed from it. I dislike the thought of having to leave the coworkers I've started to like/get used to. But it's gonna happen anyway and will still see them briefly during huddle. Downside we uh...have to deal with the compounder. And it'll be a different route.

Going to have my computer be the "build" for this month, like we had the lego set for February. And then a few more things, shelving units... But I'm also moving my photocards to different storage, and soon I'll have a place to store them, it'll be next paycheck's order. Think I might've overwatered my asparagus fern. Google says it's okay, though. So we'll see. ANYWAY. I gotta get ready to go to work, need to leave early so I can stop and get my external harddrive before work so I can work on that this weekend. Probably won't do a set up until Sunday because of Saturday playing.

lmao Just realized I didn't update at all for a while. Whooops???? Two weeks it seems. Not that much has changed... Or gotten better/worse.

Perhaps "better" would apply for work, I'm making fewer mistakes and needing fewer pieces of help. At least everywhere but in the IV room. I won't be back in there until...Wednesday, I think? We'll see how that day goes... I'm hoping well. Starting to do my CEs as well, got a two-hour credit in front of me and both my law and patient safety queued up for doing later on.

But I've also been kinda sucked in to trying to do RP things. So that's taken a lot of my attention online recently. I'm also writing some things for a murder-game I want to do, but I'm not sure if it'll be how I initially want it to be. Which is anon-modded, hard to do when I've announced it to friends on plurk. And a short run, but to give people time it might end up being one week real time is a day in game. Which for a full "summer camp" would end up making it over a year. So maybe it'll be less murder-game and actually a game-game. Regardless, I'm having fun writing it out and looking for images. Now if I could only dedicate this kind of energy to Snowvoid, Rosered, and the unexpandedupon Shroomtrip.

Made the orchid mom gave me for Valentine's. Also made two shelving units, one for the bookshelf and the other for my desk. It made things very tall and I had to get a new lamp for it. Also made the purchase of a new desktop, so have to start moving things into my external again. Probably delete everything currently on there... Since it's all outdated. xD Then I'll have to figure out what to do with this tower. Maybe do what we did with our old tower in the family room...

Got my Fidelity check, sent that off to Lincoln. Now just need to adult up and call Mrs Boog again, because I need to get my taxes done. I also want to get my hair done. I'm off to bed now, though.

Missing Piper this week... I blame Jefferson. Talked to him about her last night and I've felt lonely. I also blame it being Valentine's yesterday. But we did have a good meal last night for the potluck, Mr Paul brought in buttered chicken and naan. Sadly, Mr Yoon is gone now, he was very sweet. But that's more openings on Day... Not sure where I am in line for that. And the new guy who was supposed to do mostly weekends didn't show up for orientation so weh. I think that might be the reason why my schedule got changed a bit. Not sure, though. All it did was change locations of E1/Narc and E2 around. I think.

The financial call I have to reach out to Fidelity, so we'll go ahead and take care of that on Tuesday. Did have a good time with Amaya for Galentine's, we didn't even realize we did that. Hopefully encouraged her to do a few things that'll be better for her. Got rid of the recycles that have been piling up and the room looks so weird without them towering in the distance.

Figured out why I was bruising, mostly because I did it again. It's from drawing on the syringes. But I'm getting more and more confident in the room, if not faster. I think it might be a while yet before fast gets there.

Thought up a new and fun—maybe—game. The problem is getting everything together and then running it. I really want to do something with RP, even if it means I'm not actually playing someone. But also, I'd get to play someone hidden in the game. We'll see. For now I gotta get myself ready for work. Hoping next weekend to do my hair, maybe build some lego stuff. And I'll have my SKZ order.

So. News to no one. I've managed to muck my hands up twice this week and my foot. All when I don't have insurance. Of course. But they're all healing quite well, even if they hurt quite a bit. Ripped off part of my fingernail on my left pointer, somehow pinched my right middle finger on the inside at work, and I still don't know what I did to my right foot.

Things, like I said, are healing well at least. And I got a new lotion applicator and that was really nice, I need to start putting it on more frequently. My skin is dry and I'm getting older... It's about time I try and pay attention to my skin. Also tried to tone my hair, get the brass out before I do any more dye. Need to also make an appointment with Jessica's girl, see if she can also do my roots. (Or see if mom feels confident enough to do it.)

Just cleaned up my room a bit, organized my band-aids. I didn't realize I had so many of these stupid things. But I also manage to hurt myself a lot too, so it makes sense that I have so many. Want to get another organizer from Home Goods so that I can put other medication things in there. I'm trying to organize again, I go through these weird phases at least once a year of wanting to do that. Once I get my TBR shelf down, I'll probably put my CDs over there and then use the underside of that TV stand to store crafts that aren't currently being worked on. Probably put my coloring stuff there... I really do like that shelf thing I got, but I don't think I'll get another.

Did end up buying a lot of k-pop merch... Mostly All of it Stray Kids, of course. I ordered the BAZAAR magazine that has Bang Chan on it (pre-order), a SKZ light stick (finally), and the last tote from the DominATE tour. Then next order ended up being stuff from their 5th fan meet: Lee Know beanie because the ears were so cute, Bang Chan's ticket, and Felix's hooded blanket. And the last one was Wolf Chan teddy bear... I also need to be on the look out for The Rose's new lightstick because it looks like it's gonna be a guitar and it looks so cool in the concept photos. And I'll have a FoxINy-squish soon! I hope. Then I'll just need Wolf Chan, Leebit, Dwaekki, and PuppyM.

For now, I guess, planning on what else needs to be done on my next day off, which is the 13th?? Also...going to be possibly hanging out with Amaya for lunch. Not sure if others will be there as well. I don't...know. But I want to try and go to Halo and the recycles. Need to see if I can donate these books—library will take them but I'll probably try and take a few at a time. Maybe start when I'm downtown with Amaya since we're planning on stopping at Roadie Joe's.

The IV room training has been...going. I still can't say it's my favorite thing I've learned so far, the suit is the worst. Being rushed is the second worst, with needles in general after that. But if I wasn't being rushed, I feel like I'd feel better about this. I understand needing to get STATs out, but everything else doesn't need to be rushed. And it's not helping me process/think out what I needed. Just...GAH.

Might be in danger of getting my weekly book read. So far I'm not anywhere close. But I grabbed a movie novelization to try and bust through it. I'll try and do that when I get home from celebrating Cole's birthday.

Oh, and did manage to finally get my airbag recall done. I'm safe once again.

Weh! I got up early and struggled to sleep for no reason today. I was supposed to get my driver-side airbag replaced but they don't have time today to complete the job. So we're gonna shoot for Wednesday. But it gives me a chance to get other things done like laundry and other house-things...

Need to get my cardboard broken down and loaded into my car (maybe—not sure if I'll get there before Wednesday...), file papers, shred papers, do laundry, do meds for the month. Managed to get the hair dye out to Walgreens for Shannon to pick up. Need to get my picture taken for the whole license thing so I can send that off.

Might have to get my own insurance for the car with dad handing the title to me. Which sucks. Because that's another payment I gotta tack in. I'll probably want to do something that's monthly versus the whole lump sum or two payments a year.

Work has been tiring but so far I've still not had a horrible shift. Knock on wood. And I got my first paycheck and LORDY. It was nice. Still dunno if I'm still due one more check from Walgreens. I'll take a look when I file papers since I got my paystub from them for what I thought was my last check.

I've still managed to hold off on making either my Lego kit or my Rolfie kit. They're supposed to be for February! And I've been doing good on my book list. Need to update that on here too... Thought about going to the book store today and thought better of it. I already bought myself a lightstick. That...I don't need. And a shirt with proceeds going to the LA fires. I need to save money...sob.

Anyway, I go off to do the things!

So now I have a full second week under my belt. A full week of night shifts. And while it's nicer not to have to get up hecking early... It's kind of...debilitating to someone with neurospicy brain function. I feel like I can't do anything during the day because I have to make sure I get dressed and get to work on time. And I know I have more than enough time. It just suffocates me regardless.

But it's a lot quieter... And I should have been able to listen to music with my headphones but someone mucked things up for the rest of us. So thanks, day shift. This week was mostly learning night stuff, so carousel/cart-fill and then pulling narcotics and manuals. Then once it's all sorted we do nothing until time for deliveries, which isn't until 8:30. Tonight was jam-packed, IV needed help so we were down a hand so Jefferson and I ended up doing deliveries until 10:55.

Have my February schedule now too. Tell me why, after I do all this EIV-1 training, I'm off a day and then I'm in EIV-1 by myself. So rude. Got to talk more to Shelby, Caine's girlfriend, she's super sweet. Wade is gonna be sick of me since he's with me during my EIV-1 training for the most part and then he's also training me on E-MR.

Did a huge Etsy order... Mostly badge reel stuff, my beach one is lovely but the string keeps catching. Hate that. So got a few alternatives~ Also need to get more of the long-sleeved shirts, though I can't wear them in EIV-1 apparently. The hospital is cold, damnit!

Anyway, should sleep soon... I have a lot to get done this weekend. I wanna go to recycles, get gas, get a few things at the store... Have to pick up meds at Walgreens. Might be going to the movies??? Haven't heard anything more about it from Amaya yet.

Weh! I wanted to wait until I had a full week of work under my belt before updating and then yesterday was me being sucked into my book and Wuwa. Also family. We had our Wiseman party—didn't have one last year so it was kinda weird to have it, not to mention the only "little" there was Bexley. Cole was still recovering from sick, both Riley and Chase were sick. So by extension, Tucker wasn't coming. Thus, those two families weren't coming. But, we did get to see Abby, she's about a month out from her due date and then we get little Violet June. Taylor's due in a couple of days, not sure when Ginny is due, but Hannah's due around my birthday.

Work has been...long but quick, interesting in that it's totally different from retail. Happy in that I can pretty much—once trained—be completely involved in what I'm doing with little to no interruptions. The only thing I'm really missing from retail is having music play overhead. It's so quiet in the hospital. Granted the tube system is noisy af. I'm kinda terrified of starting IV-room stuff, ngl, just because the machinery is so sensitive and I've a habit of unintentionally breaking things. It's nice also to have cheap but filling food that's not pre-packaged shit.

Got a new set of sheets and I'm loving them. Ordered smaller pair of uniforms because these are not professional. But I'll keep the bigger sizes just in case I end up needing them. Also some undershirts that are long sleeved because I don't want to wear a jacket all the time. But it's cold in the pharmacy, in the hospital in general. Also got me a lunch box but not sure if I'm gonna end up needing it. Had a new tree come and I'm gonna start hanging my birds on that. But I also need to readjust my tabletops. Once I get rid of the Elf on the Shelf stuff, it should be a lot clearer. Need to see if Amaya wants to take the Elf stuff, take over it... Also need to remember to call HR. Got a solid cozy for my Alani/Red Bull when I need those. It also fits my regular 12oz cans but the lid won't fit. So weh on that.

Attempting to continue with my "genre" adding to the songs on my phone and switching them all to mp3. That way I can also put them on my new mp3 player, so if I can listen to that we'll have a little more leeway during Evening. Wonder if I'll get shuttled around with Kari, which I found kinda funny there's two of us on the same shift in the same department.

Painted my nails today, have to make sure they stay nice, otherwise I gotta take the polish off. Also thinking about getting more hair-dye. But also might try to get an appointment for that haircut. We'll see... Dunno if I wanna do the peach-pink again, a cooler toned pink, a dark purple, the dark teal, or try a grey. If I do grey, I wanna wait until that hair appointment, see if my hair can withstand some more bleaching. But I'm also concerned the colors might not go well with Royal Blue.

lmao So I figured out why I was having some of that dental pain. I was actually sick and so the illness was draining into those pockets and being ass. I started getting a cough on Sunday and wore a mask on Monday, took a test at Makeleh's prompting and very weak line for Flu A.

We also had a lot of snow fall Sunday through Monday so uh...Monday wasn't all that horrible. Except for driving. I disliked that immensely. But we did close early and Alysa didn't have to come in and drive all that way for only a few hours work.

Managed to get laundry done on Tuesday but other than that, I didn't really do much. I tried to do some RP stuff, but really it was just my application—my brain just still doesn't really want to do anything creative. So then I defaulted to WuWa. And it's been my uh...shield the past few days. I really need to dedicate my brain to doing tags.

Got myself my train and another LEGO set, but I'm trying to be good and at least leave the train for February. Hoping to start my new job on a good foot. Got my passport and MD tech license pictures taken, so just now to fill those forms out. One to send out and one to make an appointment for.

Maybe should make this a once weekly attempt like with a few other things I'm doing. Should be doable, right? Need to currently write about yesterday in my physical journal. Ended up getting super distracted by one of my Christmas presents yesterday.

Got one of those Rolife book nook kits—bought it for myself—and decided after I came home from work that I was going to start on it. And then stayed up until like...four in the morning finishing it up. And then stayed up another two hours at least because of dental pain. So on the list this year is to look into dentures, because I'm done with this. Not sure if this post can be taken out but I hope that it can.

Anyway, this first set of days of the year have been absolute and utter fucking chaos at work. It doesn't help that one of the new hires called out on both the 2nd and the 3rd. Days when we absolutely needed all hands. And then another slightly older hire—but still new—called out yesterday as well. So two call-outs yesterday. Alysa stayed way after and I stayed slightly later after coming in slightly earlier. I was so tired yesterday morning; again, because of dental pain. (Looking at it from Affordable Dentures, it's roundabouts 6.3k for a nice full-set and extraction.)

I keep telling myself "there's only # more shifts, # more..." and it kinda helps. For instance, I don't have any more night shifts. Just have my mid and my early morning shift left. And then I'm out of retail. Out of Walgreens. Out of the store that makes me want to pull my hair out because of Zein. And Jess. But I'm losing my family...

Yesterday was the first day I didn't do tags, but that's also because I just needed a different creative outlet for the day. I got my D`ICON box today as well as the rest of my SubKShop pre-orders: 4444, and my two DominATE tour items. So now the rest of today's "craft" is to redo the cards that I have in my photocards telling me what album the real ones came from. And I also got my Bbokarisquish! He joins Jinnretsquish and Quokkasquish! I'm just waiting for the others to come back since I think Bbokari was the last to be done? I'm not sure.

Anyway. Need to finish putting away Christmas stuff. Or I need to start, I should say. It's gonna be...a bit of a process. That's for sure. And I have to figure out what to do with the Elf-on-the-Shelf stuff. Also the start of another project. Here we go!

Suppose I should actually try to start this again... I can't say that this year feels as lucky as what my drawing at the beginning of the year said it would be. I suppose one could argue the whole Michigan thing could be comparable to my getting the Lincoln. Bumps aside, the whole trip could have gone a lot worse.

I'm trying to think of other good things that happened this year but very few come to mind. Maybe all the Stray Kids stuff I managed to get a hold of? Spent more money than I should have on it all, would have spent more if I went to Woosung's concert in New York.

For now I'm going through the motions of the year. Doing Elf on the Shelf and am glad to see the end of it. Got the tree almost done, need to do garland and star. Got most of the work presents packed and most of the family. But still not done there. Did cookies... Those go in tomorrow.

Also. Fuck mice. All I got to say.

Weh. I haven't updated this in over a year somehow. Too many things have happened. Too many things to recount.

Long story short, we went back to normal hours at the beginning of this year. Things are slowly getting back to pre-Covid numbers, the nights are getting better. The days are still rough, but right now it's because it's shot-season. I've been giving shots, got certified for that last year, still not the biggest fan of it.

Finally got Covid myself in December, also did Elf on a Shelf. They enjoyed it at work. But I also don't have any idea where I'm going to "contain" him this year, because we got rid of the one area where I had him... I'll have to ask Alysa for opinions. I don't want to put him in the office or break room; the shot room is not an option. So I'll have to clear out a bit of shelving?

I read a lot last year, but this year has been a bit of a failure on that part. Not sure why... I've been struggling. Been playing Wuthering Waves along with Guild Wars 2. Built a few more bookshelves and cubbies. Dad has had surgery on his hip, he's doing good with that. So far we've made it through most of the year without any deaths in the family. Knock on wood.

Oh. I guess...biggest thing that's disrupted my life: Stray Kids. I finally got into that this past year, almost a year... My life has been altered by these silly boys ten+ years my junior. And that's okay. Even if it means I now have grass flip-flops and have spent so much money...

Health wise, my hair loss is getting worse. I don't know if it was ever a thing that I mentioned, but I lose so much every day. I'm feeling disheartened. None of my doctors are taking me seriously about it. OH. Had a mammogram earlier this year, getting ready to go back for a second/third scan because of the oddity they found the first go around. And I have a toenail infection that had to have two different antibiotics because I had two different infections. The nail is in the process of growing out right now, it's been...fun.

Flew out to Michigan, that was...also fun. And I mean them both in the most sarcastic of ways. But yeah, Walgreens paid for a two week trip out there to help with store acquisition like we ended up doing in December last year when we got Rite Aid. Planes delayed/cancelled, had to stay overnight in the airport, had ear trauma to deal with... Fun things all around!

And then I went and played games with friends for about two hours. So now I'm gonna post this and head on out~

Had a desire to come on here and put in an entry. Not sure entirely why aside from me trying to test out a new keyboard that I've gotten. It's nice so far?

In the way of updates? I did make Senior Tech back in October, I think it was? And just did get certification to give shots—not that I'm going to. Still haven't gotten over that nonsense.

Haven't lost any more weight than before I plateaued, but I'll blame the PCOS on that and the cortisol. Have found out something though? I have Hashimoto's so it...maybe explains a few of my problems. At least cold bits. Dental pain has started again, but right now I think I have it somewhat managed? Not sure if it was because of the changing of the seasons that it finally flared up again because lol allergy drainage. But I know I'll eventually have to take care of it. No longer listed as heavily diabetic though I'm sure my numbers are going to be horrid this time for sure. I was doing really good and I feel like my body has gotten used to it now? I don't wanna go up on dosing because I hardly poop as it is. But I've started pooping more or at least it's not as clumped now that I've stopped taking iron pills. I'm supposed to be using patches but haven't really remembered to do that.

Oh god. I just had to touch some different buttons on this keyboard and the buttons are so tall compared to the base of the keyboard. Like I can grab these buttons if I wanted. Like a handle.

Been reading more, in the way of other updates. Been trying to keep up on Animal Crossing that I restarted at the first of this year. Journaling like normal. Also have a Quest RPG calendar...that one I've kinda dropped to trying to do once a week. Right now work is just chaotic.

I've had to work the past two Tuesd—no, we're at three at this point. Three Tuesdays, and I still have to work one more before I go on vacation. People have continued to complain and whine and threaten and get angry at us for something we can't control. Our hours. You want us to open back up? You become a pharmacist and work for this shitty company. Leah left a while ago, Erin too. Josie came back. We have Sam still. And now Shannon has joined us! So we've got a full crew in time for us to have our hours cut again. But we're in the top three of metrics! At least until this past holiday weekend, we were closed on Monday and that put us in the hole a constant 300 printed.

Have a "new" leak. Right now we've hopefully got it sealed for a little bit. If I'm not playing with friends tomorrow when I get home, I might try and shower before bed. Not wash the hair, that'd still be too long of a shower, methinks. But I should be able to get a quick body-wash in. Hair...we'll see. Might let it go one more day or might wash it in the sink. But the leak is in the T-bone where the sink+tub and toilet meet up, so it was lovely yucky black-line water dripping everywhere.

Got a new tattoo finally, the one for dad. Got new glasses, the rose-tinted ones I'd been searching for for ages. Right now I'm on schedule for buying things for people. Mom's loved her gifts. Dad continues to be a hassle to buy for. Brother...might go in on a grill for him, if mum and I can figure out what he wants in one. Maybe I can ask Courtney sneakily... But I gotta find a few more things for him this month since this is his month. All the things I have so far are like...tidbit birthday stuff. So maybe I should focus on Christmas since the big birthday one would be the grill. (He's turning 35!)

I've done so many tumblr/gw2 projects this year so far. And I've gotta do another o—fuck. Just realized I forgot to do the tarot picture. Well... I still have tomorrow for it. Not technically due until then. And even then it's just "due." But gotta get Angel's ten year up and posted. Might just save that for tomorrow too... No, I'll do it now. Might not have time tomorrow. What with friends possibly and shower. But Meems said we might try Friday or Saturday? Got VS party and then pride walk later this month.

Hannah's wedding too... Gonna get my nails done with mama on my birthday and then we'll probably hit up the carnival since it opens for dinner that night. I also wanna go to the movies (possibly by myself) to see the new Spiderverse movie. And I think there was one other movie coming out later this June I wanted to see as well. Can't recall.

Need to remember to look for my ticket vouchers mum usually gets us and I wanna look for the second Knives Out movie on DVD. But for now...photoshop then bed. Yeah.

So much has gone on since I was last here...I can't recall if Andy had quite had his car accident yet, but he's doing better. Backbrace on most if not all the time. Uncle Jay passed before Thanksgiving. It was...not a great time for the family. But we still came together and bonded as best we could. Plans for Christmas include going to uncle Brian's house instead because he's become an agoraphobic like Cris was thanks to Covid. Poppop is upset, of course, but his house isn't fit to hold so many people and still have his antiques still be in one piece. It took almost 30-some years for something to get broken by accident. We've started to declutter, mum and I. On a heavy foot this time around. Getting rid of things we wouldn't normally, be it to the trash or to the donation pile. I think it's been spurred on by the thought of mum & dad separating. He's not happy and he's almost always angry. They've talked about counciling. Not sure how well that's gonna go. But if mom goes, I'm going with her. I'm not staying here. Even if it means leaving things behind. Erin has left us at work, which sucks, but she's going on to better things and leaving the chaos of pharmacy behind. We're unfortunately slated to go back to normal hours as of the beginning of the year. And that includes weekends. Which...is gonna fucking suck. But I told Alysa I'd rather switch to doing a full weekend myself versus doing every other Saturday. Found a new series to obsess over, 1899. It reminds me of a couple of books that I've read this year. From Below and Dead Silence. I've enjoyed it a lot. I need to make a list when this year is done of authors I want to keep checking back on when I go to the library. I want to continue with their works. Need to get more Phryne novels too. For now, I'm gonna go to bed and hope tomorrow goes by quickly. Have a doctor's appointment for the lady bits Tuesday, had my yearly physical last Tuesday. And guess what! I'm no longer considered diabetic!! So we're off the sugar pill, seeing how well I do in 3 month's time without it. Okay, going.

Not sure what the fuck was going on the last time I said anything here. Honestly, my brain just...hasn't been doing the best. I've been...moving through the motions but life isn't what I want it to be.

Little is back home, she has an urn that looks like her and it keeps spooking me. I think it's her. I want to get a pillow or a bed for her too. Cleaning has gone...really slowly. All of the litter is gone, but the hardest part...that room is horrible.

Giving away most of my manga. I'm keeping my Trigun but I don't feel attached to the other stuff anymore. Also slowly going through a bunch of things and getting rid of them. Been doing 30 minutes for cleaning. It helps... Trying to go through the motions of things.

I opened this...to write about the traumatic event that's about to happen. An event I didn't ever really come to terms with ever happening. I've already cried so many times over this, any time I have to talk about it in any detailed fashion. It's not fair. I don't want to say good-bye.

For the past...two months now? Piper has been declining. Sure, she'd move around a little stiffly and stopped taking super good care of her fur/nails. But everything else was fine. Ignoring the crying out as she was pooping, still not sure what that is/was, and pooping outside of the box. Still peeing inside but yeah... Suddenly her vision started to deteriorate until where I think she's completely blind now? She doesn't want to go up the stairs, even lift her paws up to get into the litter box I brought down for her. It's been a constant cleaning up process...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tired of it. I can't even put down puppy pads because her claws would get stuck in the fine fabric of them.

She's gotten to the point where...she smells like poop. Like a poop didn't go well at all and she just...hasn't or can't clean herself up properly. So mum and I tried to give her a bath today. I tried to cut a bit of the mats off. We just kinda sat out in the sun after that for a good while. Which I think she enjoyed. She has had a better day since then movement wise? She's used the litter box or attempted to. She's been restless a bit but I think it's a lot of her not realizing where I am.

But the problem now is that I can't imagine leaving her home alone for a weekend, let alone a full 24 hours. I can't leave her in her own filth without the only food she's seemed to be eating. And it's not fair to her that she's suffering like this. It should've been done a while ago maybe. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad.

We're going to go with the Humane Society to help her rest and do the cremation. I've got an urn on order that's going to look like her. A necklace that I can put some ashes in... Plans on what to do with her things... I never even finished this one bag of food that I had struggled to get for her. Let alone the second bag that I still have in the box it arrived in. I've gotta figure out how to dispose of the litter safely. So that it doesn't break on the trash guys.

It's just...hard to say good-bye to a constant that's been around for over half your life, you know?

Piper... Baby... I love you, my little fluff ball. Even though we weren't the most cuddliest or affectionate of pairs... I know you love me too. I wish I could've done better for you. I wish I had done more when we were younger to get you used to water, and your paws being touched, and someone helping groom you. I feel like so much of this could've been avoided if that was the case. Regrets are thick. But I love you.

You came into my life on my birthday way back in 2003. We almost made it 20 years... Thank you for being my "black cat", there will never be another tortie that has my heart like you do. ♥