Well, not all the weird stuff has to be bad. There's good things too. [He's genuinely glad for the ability to save backups of his memories, scrapbooks and all. Maybe it'd be better if he had a lot more bone than machine going on, but a little machine isn't bad. And, surely there's things Sans likes in their changes too, something he can think of that won't sound so guilty and sad.]
Augh, I'm starting to feel guilty for feeling guilty. Is this going to be a few weeks of, of feeling weird things, at random?? I almost want to be numb again instead.
[And he could, if he really wanted, couldn't he? Whether secondhand by replaying some of his recorded memories from then, or by outright pushing himself to remember things so thoroughly that he goes back to it. But that'd leave Sans alone in being weird and guilty, and then nobody would be enjoying the maze. Terrible idea, scrapped already.
[Sans remembers the numbness--remembers it almost firsthand. Of course, he'd borrowed Papyrus's emotions to try and help out, so it's sort of--Wait. Feeling weird things at random. And remembering the numbness like it was his, when it wasn't. Sans recognizes this; his alarm spikes, though it doesn't show as more than a slight widening of his eye sockets on the outside.]
It's not random. We're sharing emotions. [Again. If it's like the leeches--Don't think about the leeches. Sans doesn't feel like he's being pushed out of his own head. This is more like his own emotional abilities. He can remember a few times they'd gone off at random, when he'd attuned to Papyrus that first time and gotten much more energetic, the times when he'd found himself in step with the mood of the dig site or the atmosphere of the city when things got particularly anxious. (He hasn't told Papyrus about those last two. But he's thinking about them now). It's more like that, and less like the leeches. The better option, definitely.]
Again?? [Papyrus doesn't wonder why that's the word to come to mind, not when he was already thinking about - about things they try not to talk about. That week and change when he got the house, and he'd overridden a bunch of peoples' lives, but he'd hardly been himself either. Is some of his guilt now his own, remembering how badly he'd treated Sans then, when negativity had felt so furiously unacceptable?
...Not that he's a fan of the guilt, shame, and sadness that he's been noticing the last couple minutes, which... oh. Now that he thinks on it, thinks on these feelings, they do feel like the kinds of things he'd been pushing Sans away about. They're still... not great to feel. He still (still?? it's different, surely) wishes Sans wasn't feeling like that, that the things leaking were a better experience. Even their shared focus about helping people and some obligation as gods (weird and disorienting as that was!) would be better.
But... he wants to give his brother a hug and apology, and interrogate him about these sudden impressions that this isn't the only time emotions have gone leaking around. Not push his mind away altogether.] Not, uh, not accusing you! But. Are you, accidentally, doing a thing, maybe because of the weirdness?
It's not me. See? [Sans shifts away from Papyrus, deliberately putting even more distance between them. There's no way to prove he's not listening in on Papyrus's emotions, since those don't require touch, but sharing them back would. But as he increases the distance, he wants to hang onto Papyrus again. With the (probably temporary) clarity of trying to work out the emotion situation, he's aware that's kind of weird too.
It occurs to him that if he's sharing emotions again Papyrus isn't going to be having a fun time. He reaches for a happier memory--of making Papyrus's birthday cake, putting the twizzler arms on and arranging all the little candy pieces. It had been kind of sloppy, but he'd mostly managed straight lines. It'd been fun.]
Edited (just noticed a continuity error but I fixed it) 2022-03-09 01:32 (UTC)
And, you needed to be touching. [Papyrus nods slowly, that detail trickling into his mind as if remembered, and yet. He does remember Sans saying so, in the fragmented memories around talking that night. But that isn't how he remembered - more like a secondhand memory, like those details about the golden hall.
He glances away with a hint of grimace, realizing - and not wanting to outright say and make true - that it's not just feelings. So of course he starts feeling happy with the idea of cake out of nowhere.] Are you... craving cake...?
[It's not a bad feeling, at any rate. A far easier topic than emotion sharing stuff, at any rate! There are worse things about the last time to be recurring, as long as they continue keeping their bone in their them, and not their food!]
[Sans's perpetual grin quirks up lopsidedly. Yeah, they're sharing more than just emotions, aren't they?] Was thinkin' about the robot cake I made you. Figured that'd be a good test thought. [Better than all the other emotions swirling around this conversation. Better than the numb but sharp edges of Sans's mind.] But hey, I could go for cake.
[But Papyrus knew it was cake-related, and not just some happy thought. Sans's emotion magic doesn't work that way; he can't tell what's making anyone feel things except by the normal methods. Their minds are attached again. He doesn't say it, but he's thinking about it. He can't not think about it.]
[Papyrus starts wringing his hands again as he picks up on the thought. The persistent thought, about the last time this kind of thing happened. (That this is a thing that keeps happening.) The leeches. Smiling until bone strained to the edge of cracking. Deliberately picking people to pull into his influence, the better to make things better. Increasingly decisive action, fueled by anger, at anything not happy.]
I... I'm not... It's, okay, if we're being. Sad, a little. [Something avoidant draws his attention to numb, sharp edges somewhere. The mutual impulse to hide things. So Sans doesn't feel worse about himself for the ways he doesn't support Papyrus as well as he tries to. So Papyrus doesn't feel haunted by the real depths of Sans's apathy. Had he noticed the ways it's hard to tell who's feeling what, before? Or had he already been so changed he was barely Papyrus? He feels like he's still himself, even if he's feeling other things in addition to it. (But then again, he did then, too.)] And maybe store-bought! This time. Who, uh, who needs to bake. Not me.
Buying one's way easier. [Sans has no urge to fill the whole kitchen with baked goods. Making that pie had been nice, and Papyrus liking it had been nice too, but doing much of anything in the kitchen while they're like this seems like it's just asking to bring up terrible memories. He tries to settle himself normally on the couch again, but somehow he's gotten closer to Papyrus than he meant to be even if he's careful to make sure they're not touching.
Sans is prepping himself to say something he doesn't want to be thinking about. It doesn't show on his face at all, which he's keeping casual, but it's like all the gears of Sans's mind start working overtime as he tries to work out the best way to address something he'd rather avoid and finally gives up in favor of being blunt.] It's not leeches. I could see the leeches. [He can't see any leeches right now, so it's not them. If they keep thinking about all of that, it's not going to help the shared internal mood.]
[Papyrus nods with relief, despite his mild amusement that of course Sans would vote for the lazier option. He doesn't protest or shift away at Sans's approach, either.]
Unless they got sneakier. [It's a more suspicious sentiment than Papyrus usually shares, especially with his brother, but even as he says it something's continuing to relax in his shoulders. Internal fans don't go silent, but they're quieter, whirring along with his thoughts and worries.] You seem... You're sure. [It's not a question, even if it should be.] So it's something else... That convinced you to want a really cool yard.
[If the leeches have started crawling around lawns now, maybe Sans should have set more of theirs on fire. Oh well. He's still sure about the leech thing regardless.] I could feel 'em, too. Even before I could see 'em and knew what was happening. [Which is the most belated explanation for why Sans had been extra suspicious about Papyrus's cookies way back then (even beyond their surprising quality) ever.] So yeah, this is something else. Still sucks, though, sorry. [Papyrus doesn't deserve to have Sans in his head. That's not fair to Papyrus.]
[He nods along slowly to the explanation, to that inkling of suspicion but going along with it that had apparently underlined the sharing of cookies, back then. It's not an answer to what's happening or why, it's not a guarantee that something worse isn't coming. But it's one of his worst fears reasonably addressed, a relief from fear that gives him extra processing power for noting the hints of a downward trend in what he can pick up of his brother's feelings and thoughts.]
You're apologizing for the maze? [There is no convincingly pretending that he misunderstands Sans's meaning, not when they're leaking feelings like this. But he pretends anyway, as if Sans's notion that this isn't fair to Papyrus means he has free rein to decide what's happening in the conversation.] If that's the kind of thing we feel like doing, I have ideas for improvement!
[Sans knows Papyrus isn't really misunderstanding him, but he goes along with it anyway because he could really use a distraction from his thoughts. It's probably more obvious than ever how easily Sans covers up whatever's going on in his mind with casual, lazy expressions, but they can both just keep pretending things right now.] Already? You gonna start putting together some diagrams?
[It's obvious, partly in the sense that Papyrus already knew / suspected it, but partly in the sense of feeling it. Which is worrying - how much can Sans feel of his own avoidance and deflection patterns? They work best when people don't suspect he's hiding anything. At least they're agreed on talking about stuff like this instead. Maybe it'll even distract them enough to be actually focused on these things.]
I.... could be! But. I was just. At the point of suggesting cooler colors. [Okay, technically speaking blue flame wouldn't be cooler in the heat sense, only in the aesthetic sense. But with a little application of different chemicals...]
If you're working on it, it'll definitely get cooler. [WINK. Blue is also Sans's favorite color, actually, not that it comes up much (and not that he's going to mention the color out loud because even if he can't avoid reading Papyrus's mind right now that's weird). Still, there's a reason his favorite hoodie is the blue one and it's not because he cares about matching with blue magic. It's been a while since he's worn it, though; it might be time to fix it up so it fits his wings.]
[Papyrus cackles, self-satisfied with the agreement on his color choices and coolness alike. It's fortunate their magic worked with them in that respect, for all Sans didn't take enough advantage of it in recent years.
And now... Well, maybe nostalgia's why he finds himself thinking about how long it's been since either wore their old clothes. His are well-laundered, if back in his closet ever since he came back to his senses in November. The idea of wearing Sans's old hoodie again...]
Maybe freshly wash it first? [It's not until after he speaks that he recognizes he responded to a train of thought instead of a word, and he's immediately embarrassed, but not enough to take the suggestion back. If for nothing else than the fresh scents!]
[Papyrus is replying to something Sans thought, but it's such a Papyrus interjection that Sans just huffs a laugh.] But I just got all the stains how I like 'em. And I'd have to empty out the pockets. [A lot of the things in his old hoodie have made their way over to the eye hoodie, but not everything. It's where he keeps Papyrus's cape, which still has Papyrus's--
Sans brings the thought to a stop as neatly as if he'd, well, cut its head off. Not the time to think about that.]
some days, a tag is just a skeleton blue screening a little. sometime that's the hook
[It's the kind of train of thought, of mental visuals, that are hard to just shake off, for all it doesn't immediately make sense. Papyrus's scarf-cape is tucked away in his closet, with the rest of his battle body. His dust, likewise, is tucked away in a box, where he's stored as much as he could, after the earthquake. Even the stuff from his head, when the pressure had gotten to him. So why would Sans think that he's...
...The hallway, he realizes, or remembers. The fight. He'd... Sans had been carrying...]
I...
[The word escapes without thinking, much like he hadn't really thought about this before - or had tried not to think about it. His dust. His original dust...]
[Too late. Sans didn't catch the thought in time. It's hard to catch your own thoughts, of course, but Sans doesn't know how to deal with this.]
Uh. Well. I wasn't just gonna leave it there.
[He hadn't left any of it there. He'd taken Papyrus's battle body back to his room, tucked the cape away, and left to follow the human. Following the human was his job, but he wasn't just going to leave Papyrus to just get lost in all the snow.]
[Wasn't going to leave him behind, he suspects - feels - Sans means. Maybe especially not after how obviously unhappy about leaving Papyrus behind as he'd been, back in their not-argument about evacuating. Still, something about it is a surprise, is a relief. It can't have been easy to do, to go back there and gather him up, and Sans is all about avoiding difficult things when he can. That he'd done so, that on some level he'd been making sure not to be alone...]
...Of course you wouldn't.
[He means something like gratitude, for the gesture. Or something like acknowledgement that Sans does do the difficult things, when the need really arises. But instead of putting any of that into words, he just leans further over, being glad to be in the same place, alive again, somehow.]
["Of course you wouldn't," Papyrus says, and some long-held tension uncoils in Sans. There's a lot of guilt associated with that day--with things leading up to that day--that Sans isn't about to deal with or think about yet, but acknowledgment from Papyrus about this isn't something he could have ever expected to get. He can't exactly convince himself he deserves it, but he has it anyway and he's keeping it. He leans against Papyrus, forgetting they're supposed to be trying not to touch.]
You can have it back, if you want. [He's thought about bringing it up before, actually--about offering it back. It's Papyrus's, after all. He just couldn't figure out a way to talk about it. But right now, with Papyrus's feelings curled up warm against his soul, he feels a lot more relaxed.
It doesn't even occur to him to think this, but it's notable how much easier Sans relaxes into this sort of connection than the leeches. He's more easily lured by this gentler approach than something forcing feelings he can't trust on him.]
in which papyrus needs to internal monologue to encompass multiple trains of thought
[Papyrus hesitates, clear in his face and emotions alike. In some way, he feels guilty about it all. And/or Sans feels guilty, but at least some of the guilt is his own. To some degree he wants to apologize for going through with his plan of confrontation in the first place, adult with the right to make that choice or no. It was the human's decision that left him as dust, of course, he refuses to ignore or erase their agency in it even if they did... but his decision gave them the opportunity to make that one, so in a way it's because of him that Sans only had the scarf-cape to travel with, for that time.
...On some level, he has to wonder: did having those traces of dust, in some way, help ensure they both wound up here? Nobody else from the underground has shown up, and there's a couple other people from mutual places... But, uh, given how romantically entangled some of them seem to be, maybe they had... pieces... of each other too. If nothing besides love lockets, or something.
Which is all a distraction from the offer, one given in a more relaxed and accepting manner than he'd expect from Sans. Pleasant surprise, in the weirdness. It really does seem like the only influence on their thoughts are each others', no other pressure to do uncharacteristic things. As if... the maze is something Papyrus would do, and Sans, feeling a little more like Papyrus, did a Papyrusy thing..?]
W-Well. I... That's a very thoughtful offer! I appreciate it a lot. And yet... Having a spare cape, but only the cape... It might make the rest of my battle body feel, a little unbalanced?
[It's somewhat a nonsense deflection, because they could just make a second battle body, one more suited to his new proportions. But he hasn't worn it very much since getting replacement clothes, having died in it, and keeping his own dust next to his metal is... a little too much missing what he had. No, if it's been a comfort for Sans, he doesn't mind Sans keeping it.]
Wouldn't want you to be unbalanced. [Sure, it's a nonsense deflection, but Sans doesn't mind.] I'll keep hanging onto it.
[It's still Papyrus's, and always will be. Sans is just keeping an eye on it. Sometimes multiple eyes. As long as it's somewhere safe it's fine. Papyrus is back now, and has been for a while, and right now, specifically, is right next to him. If he focuses on right now, everything feels a lot nicer than it usually does in his head.]
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spaghettimonster) wrote2021-07-31 02:32 am
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Augh, I'm starting to feel guilty for feeling guilty. Is this going to be a few weeks of, of feeling weird things, at random?? I almost want to be numb again instead.
[And he could, if he really wanted, couldn't he? Whether secondhand by replaying some of his recorded memories from then, or by outright pushing himself to remember things so thoroughly that he goes back to it. But that'd leave Sans alone in being weird and guilty, and then nobody would be enjoying the maze. Terrible idea, scrapped already.
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It's not random. We're sharing emotions. [Again. If it's like the leeches--Don't think about the leeches. Sans doesn't feel like he's being pushed out of his own head. This is more like his own emotional abilities. He can remember a few times they'd gone off at random, when he'd attuned to Papyrus that first time and gotten much more energetic, the times when he'd found himself in step with the mood of the dig site or the atmosphere of the city when things got particularly anxious. (He hasn't told Papyrus about those last two. But he's thinking about them now). It's more like that, and less like the leeches. The better option, definitely.]
you ever spend an hour rereading threads
...Not that he's a fan of the guilt, shame, and sadness that he's been noticing the last couple minutes, which... oh. Now that he thinks on it, thinks on these feelings, they do feel like the kinds of things he'd been pushing Sans away about. They're still... not great to feel. He still (still?? it's different, surely) wishes Sans wasn't feeling like that, that the things leaking were a better experience. Even their shared focus about helping people and some obligation as gods (weird and disorienting as that was!) would be better.
But... he wants to give his brother a hug and apology, and interrogate him about these sudden impressions that this isn't the only time emotions have gone leaking around. Not push his mind away altogether.] Not, uh, not accusing you! But. Are you, accidentally, doing a thing, maybe because of the weirdness?
yes, it's a good pasttime
It occurs to him that if he's sharing emotions again Papyrus isn't going to be having a fun time. He reaches for a happier memory--of making Papyrus's birthday cake, putting the twizzler arms on and arranging all the little candy pieces. It had been kind of sloppy, but he'd mostly managed straight lines. It'd been fun.]
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He glances away with a hint of grimace, realizing - and not wanting to outright say and make true - that it's not just feelings. So of course he starts feeling happy with the idea of cake out of nowhere.] Are you... craving cake...?
[It's not a bad feeling, at any rate. A far easier topic than emotion sharing stuff, at any rate! There are worse things about the last time to be recurring, as long as they continue keeping their bone in their them, and not their food!]
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[But Papyrus knew it was cake-related, and not just some happy thought. Sans's emotion magic doesn't work that way; he can't tell what's making anyone feel things except by the normal methods. Their minds are attached again. He doesn't say it, but he's thinking about it. He can't not think about it.]
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I... I'm not... It's, okay, if we're being. Sad, a little. [Something avoidant draws his attention to numb, sharp edges somewhere. The mutual impulse to hide things. So Sans doesn't feel worse about himself for the ways he doesn't support Papyrus as well as he tries to. So Papyrus doesn't feel haunted by the real depths of Sans's apathy. Had he noticed the ways it's hard to tell who's feeling what, before? Or had he already been so changed he was barely Papyrus? He feels like he's still himself, even if he's feeling other things in addition to it. (But then again, he did then, too.)] And maybe store-bought! This time. Who, uh, who needs to bake. Not me.
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Sans is prepping himself to say something he doesn't want to be thinking about. It doesn't show on his face at all, which he's keeping casual, but it's like all the gears of Sans's mind start working overtime as he tries to work out the best way to address something he'd rather avoid and finally gives up in favor of being blunt.] It's not leeches. I could see the leeches. [He can't see any leeches right now, so it's not them. If they keep thinking about all of that, it's not going to help the shared internal mood.]
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Unless they got sneakier. [It's a more suspicious sentiment than Papyrus usually shares, especially with his brother, but even as he says it something's continuing to relax in his shoulders. Internal fans don't go silent, but they're quieter, whirring along with his thoughts and worries.] You seem... You're sure. [It's not a question, even if it should be.] So it's something else... That convinced you to want a really cool yard.
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You're apologizing for the maze? [There is no convincingly pretending that he misunderstands Sans's meaning, not when they're leaking feelings like this. But he pretends anyway, as if Sans's notion that this isn't fair to Papyrus means he has free rein to decide what's happening in the conversation.] If that's the kind of thing we feel like doing, I have ideas for improvement!
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I.... could be! But. I was just. At the point of suggesting cooler colors. [Okay, technically speaking blue flame wouldn't be cooler in the heat sense, only in the aesthetic sense. But with a little application of different chemicals...]
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And now... Well, maybe nostalgia's why he finds himself thinking about how long it's been since either wore their old clothes. His are well-laundered, if back in his closet ever since he came back to his senses in November. The idea of wearing Sans's old hoodie again...]
Maybe freshly wash it first? [It's not until after he speaks that he recognizes he responded to a train of thought instead of a word, and he's immediately embarrassed, but not enough to take the suggestion back. If for nothing else than the fresh scents!]
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Sans brings the thought to a stop as neatly as if he'd, well, cut its head off. Not the time to think about that.]
some days, a tag is just a skeleton blue screening a little. sometime that's the hook
...The hallway, he realizes, or remembers. The fight. He'd... Sans had been carrying...]
I...
[The word escapes without thinking, much like he hadn't really thought about this before - or had tried not to think about it. His dust. His original dust...]
this is a good day for it
Uh. Well. I wasn't just gonna leave it there.
[He hadn't left any of it there. He'd taken Papyrus's battle body back to his room, tucked the cape away, and left to follow the human. Following the human was his job, but he wasn't just going to leave Papyrus to just get lost in all the snow.]
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[Wasn't going to leave him behind, he suspects - feels - Sans means. Maybe especially not after how obviously unhappy about leaving Papyrus behind as he'd been, back in their not-argument about evacuating. Still, something about it is a surprise, is a relief. It can't have been easy to do, to go back there and gather him up, and Sans is all about avoiding difficult things when he can. That he'd done so, that on some level he'd been making sure not to be alone...]
...Of course you wouldn't.
[He means something like gratitude, for the gesture. Or something like acknowledgement that Sans does do the difficult things, when the need really arises. But instead of putting any of that into words, he just leans further over, being glad to be in the same place, alive again, somehow.]
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You can have it back, if you want. [He's thought about bringing it up before, actually--about offering it back. It's Papyrus's, after all. He just couldn't figure out a way to talk about it. But right now, with Papyrus's feelings curled up warm against his soul, he feels a lot more relaxed.
It doesn't even occur to him to think this, but it's notable how much easier Sans relaxes into this sort of connection than the leeches. He's more easily lured by this gentler approach than something forcing feelings he can't trust on him.]
in which papyrus needs to internal monologue to encompass multiple trains of thought
...On some level, he has to wonder: did having those traces of dust, in some way, help ensure they both wound up here? Nobody else from the underground has shown up, and there's a couple other people from mutual places... But, uh, given how romantically entangled some of them seem to be, maybe they had... pieces... of each other too. If nothing besides love lockets, or something.
Which is all a distraction from the offer, one given in a more relaxed and accepting manner than he'd expect from Sans. Pleasant surprise, in the weirdness. It really does seem like the only influence on their thoughts are each others', no other pressure to do uncharacteristic things. As if... the maze is something Papyrus would do, and Sans, feeling a little more like Papyrus, did a Papyrusy thing..?]
W-Well. I... That's a very thoughtful offer! I appreciate it a lot. And yet... Having a spare cape, but only the cape... It might make the rest of my battle body feel, a little unbalanced?
[It's somewhat a nonsense deflection, because they could just make a second battle body, one more suited to his new proportions. But he hasn't worn it very much since getting replacement clothes, having died in it, and keeping his own dust next to his metal is... a little too much missing what he had. No, if it's been a comfort for Sans, he doesn't mind Sans keeping it.]
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[It's still Papyrus's, and always will be. Sans is just keeping an eye on it. Sometimes multiple eyes. As long as it's somewhere safe it's fine. Papyrus is back now, and has been for a while, and right now, specifically, is right next to him. If he focuses on right now, everything feels a lot nicer than it usually does in his head.]