songs and murmurs

Hello...I know I've been away forever. Logging in for the first time in a very long time, I am feeling somewhat disorientated and don't know what to say. I scanned my friends' feed a bit, but didn't retain much. I did see the birthday wishes! Thank you! It means more to me than you can know. Actually, I came back because my friend K called me up on my birthday (I was surprised, I hadn't talked to her since May), and after talking to her, I thought maybe I could talk to my other friends too.

When my eyes are better able to focus on text, I'll try again to read some recent posts and catch up with everyone, and I will attempt to write an update of my own, though right now I don't even know where to start. Having that conversation with K may have helped a little, but I am still very skittish about talking about my life, even with good friends. I have a lot of fear about the future, and I'm afraid to even talk about it.

On a more positive note, I would like to send out some holiday cards. That always made me happy in the past, and that would be an easier thing to do while I think of what to write. I think I need an easy goal before I can face a hard one. PM me if you'd like a card.

ETA: Right now I don't have a permanent address, so I'm routing my mail to my mom's address. I will PM any friends who want the address, just let me know.

I had a lot of fun with this one!

From spikesgirl58 - One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Since they are just standing around, as if they were waiting for something, I assume that they see me as their master and are waiting for instructions. So what do I do? I command my mummy servants to do my bidding, naturally.

I have not yet decided on what I'd want them to do, but I'm sure they'd be useful for something.

One of my Goodreads book clubs recently read White Nights by Dostoyevsky. (Free on amazon in case anyone wants it. https://www.amazon.com/Nights-Stories-Novels-Fyodor-Dostoevsky-ebook/dp/B005051MQQ/ and same link for .co.uk)

Fun fact: The title refers to the phenomenon around the the time of the summer solstice when the sun doesn't set completely and so at night it's not completely dark, it's just dusk. Saint Petersburg, where the story takes place, is famous for it's white nights, and is commonly called the city of white nights. I believe the title is also referring to how these few nights were so bright (happy) because of the love the narrator felt. I think that's a very fitting title, and I like it a lot.

So I read this short story with the book club, but did not participate in the discussion. I kept the discussion thread open, but couldn't decide if I want to comment or not, or what to say if I do. Most of the time it's okay to have different opinions, but in certain cases I'm afraid I'd just get told I'm wrong. And in this case, that would have meant not only being 'wrong' about the story, but also that my own experiences must be wrong. I decided I don't want to get into it in the group, but I feel like I need to get stuff out, so I guess I will write about it here.

( My thoughts on the story. )

( This part is more personal. )

On Saturday I went to visit my family. I was out all day and got home past midnight. I had to walk the last two miles because the buses had stopped running, but I was feeling so happy and energetic that I didn't mind.

The visit: They recently got a Costco membership, so a lot of the conversation revolved around what they bought for how much. It was a bit funny to me. But I didn't mind; actually, I found out some good-to-know info, such as, you can get a *huge* bag of pistachios for $10. I love pistachios but haven't had them in many years, because they're so expensive. (We are not sure of the exact size of this "huge bag" because they had transferred the nuts to another container and ate a lot of it before I arrived, and the bag's been thrown out.) Anyway, it was a very good visit. We were all very animated and happy. Their cats are doing well, too. My brother's cat was undernourished the last time I saw her, but they switched to a wet food and she looks much better now. I was happy to see that. I had meant to bring her a treat but forgot, but didn't really need it, since they got a whole case from Costco. :P

Speaking of my brother, he has some interesting ideas sometimes... Neither of us can tolerate a wristwatch, so he was saying he wants a pocket watch, but digital, and with features. Hmmm. I did some looking around, and they actually have something like that. Not a pocket watch per se, but they're watches that can go in your pocket, and have the features he wanted. We also talked about books; my mom has all my childhood books, and asked if I wanted them. I do! As a matter of fact, I wanted to ask her about my old school books; I remember they had interesting stories that I'd like to read again. A lot of the books are in storage, though, and they were packed based on where they fit, not by category, so we will have to look for them another time.

Since it's such a long trip to get to their place, I also made some other stops on my way there, and took the opportunity to do some pseudo-touristy stuff while I was in the Big City. I also got some postcards. I know a place by the harbor where they have them, and that is apparently the *only* place that has them anymore. Seriously, I've been to a museum, I've looked everywhere, and it's like postcards don't exist any more! So I got a bunch while I had the chance, and paid a bit more than I wanted, but at least they're nice. I immediately sat down and wrote one to send to T. I had left her another message recently, and still haven't heard from her. I hope she's not still sick from the last time we talked...I know that not having an immune system makes it a lot harder to recover from illnesses, but this feels too long even for that, and I don't know what to do.

I've been sad all day. I had such a great day Saturday, so I tried to think about that today and be happy for it, but I'm too sad and can't shake it off. I spent an embarrassingly large percentage of the day scouring amazon (and other stores) for thermal mugs. I found one that promises to be very high quality, and it's 20oz (my preferred size) for $16; I'd like to pick one up tomorrow on my way to the library.

I think this post sounds too much like a shopping list, which is funny because I hate shopping. But I needed a distraction. I thought about my crochet several times, but I'm too restless to work on a slow, calm activity. Perhaps tomorrow. I might take some yarn to the library, in case the walk puts me in a more agreeable mood. I will check the pool hours at the community center, too; I have wanted to go swimming for a long time, but their hours and rules are really stupid. I think it would help, though.

Damn, it's already "tomorrow" - I never went to sleep last night. Too agitated to sleep. I'm not sure if I should go to the library now, or take a nap first. If I do take a nap, I might sleep all day, and that would make me more agitated when I wake up and the day is gone. Staying up might not have been a good thing to do, but it was a conscious decision, to avoid something even worse - I don't want to give my brain an opportunity to think. I can't handle it right now.

I try to focus on the positives, but I don't think I did a very good job of it today. I am trying to pull myself together, though. Well, I have a book to return, another to pick up, and the weather is nice today, so I think I will try that walk.

I think I have a couple friends who like mysteries... This ebook is currently free through amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Deadly-Proof-Victorian-Francisco-Mystery-ebook/dp/B00TP1F8ES/
or
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Deadly-Proof-Victorian-Francisco-Mystery-ebook/dp/B00TP1F8ES/

It made it into my recommendations as historical fiction (I don't usually read mysteries). No idea if it's any good, but for $0.00 I am willing to give it a chance! *g*

It is a major annoyance for me that we can only do laundry after 7pm on weekdays. I am all ready to do it in the morning. Afternoon would also be fine. But by 7pm I am too tired to start a big chore. So I ended up having to wait until Saturday, when we can do it any time during the day. It was a relief to finally be allowed to do it after feeling restless from being held back all week.

Then today I worked on my resume. I'm not finished, but I got tired of it, so I'm going to do other things now. I don't usually put off things that need to be done, but this is torturous and I need a break.

I checked on my scheduled entries over at LJ (for makin_us_laugh), and the top entry says "Schedule for: May 05, 2018, 07:36" Um, that was yesterday. I refreshed the page, and it's still there; more importantly, the post has failed to show up on the community page. All other scheduled posts have gone through without any problems. I'm not sure why the one from the 5th didn't publish. I guess I'll repost it for a different day in the future, and hope that fixes things. Not a big deal, it's just weird.

In other news, I appear to have developed a sensitivity to parsley, of all things. Fortunately, it's an easy thing to give up; any dish where I'd want to use parsley would work just as well with tarragon, which I like better anyway. So again, not a big deal, but kind of an odd thing.

The weekend has been...not bad, but I am feeling dissatisfied tonight. Which is strange, because I had time to do things I enjoy, I got to chat with my friend K (it's been a while), and I got a bunch of stuff done (and being productive usually makes me happy). But I still feel dissatisfied. Maybe it's only that I'm not looking forward to Monday. Hm. Well, I'm sure it's "just one of those things" and I'll be back to normal before long.

This week's questions: https://thefridayfive.dreamwidth.org/79261.html

1. What was your favorite toy as a child?
2. What did you name it?
3. Who gave it to you?
4. Do you still have it?
5. If not, what happened to it?

1. A yellow teddy bear. I suppose it's vintage now. Looks a lot like this bear, but a darker yellow.

2. I called him Yellow Bear. Yeah, I'm original like that.

3. My mom. Actually, it used to be her bear; her parents brought it for her from Germany.

4. I did not bring it with me when I moved out.

5. My mom has it.

It sort of feels like a family heirloom to me. I'd like to pass it on if my brother ever has kids, but I think that's unlikely. Perhaps T will have a relative with kids who would like to have him.

I had this open in another tab and totally forgot about it!

I got this from dimity_blue, who gave me 10.

Ask and you'll be given a number. You’re supposed to tell that many things about yourself. (I think everyone has already done the meme, so ignore that part. Although if anyone hasn't done it yet and wants to, feel free to play.)

1. My favorite season is summer.
2. I love being outside.
3. I like the color brown.
4. My favorite flower is the cauliflower. *grins*
5. Okay, I like tulips, daffodils, and carnations.
Also brunnera, georgia blue speedwell, stonecrop, and lamb’s-ears.
6. My favorite type of music is ballads.
7. I don't watch TV.
8. I do read a lot.
9. I have made my own candles.
10. I like cows.

A couple things I've seen on the internet that I like.

When I was working on the afghan yesterday, I noticed a mistake, and ended up having to go three rows back to fix it. These are long rows, so despite an hour of work, at the end of the day my afghan was shorter than when I picked it up. *sigh* I did need to fix it, though; I want it done right. Anyway, I made up the loss, and make some actual forward-progress today.

I am at 21 books read so far this year. Remember, a lot of these were children's books, short books, and a couple short stories, so it's not as much reading as it sounds like, but I am happy that I got to check a bunch of things off my list.

I spent today just reading and working on the afghan, and I'm still not as far ahead with either as I'd like to be. I keep getting distracted by exam anxiety. But I've made progress, and it was nice to have a whole day for just reading and crochet. I actually relaxed a little today, but now I'm back to feeling nervous again.

I have been growing increasingly irritable as exams approach. (April 14, 19, and 20.) I'm always distracted and kind of nervous, not about the exams themselves, but about getting there - due to distance and lack of transportation, I have only been taking afternoon classes, but two of my exams will be at 9am, and in a different building that's even farther than the one where I have my classes.

My options: By express bus (extra cost but worth it), it takes 1hr30 to get there, and that includes a 30 minute walk TO the bus stop. I wouldn't mind the walk later in the day, but doing it at 6:30am when I'm not yet fully awake is brutal. So I've been worrying and worrying about what if I can't wake up that early, what if I walk too slow because I'm tired and don't make it to the express on time. (The regular bus would take 2hr20 so that's not an option at all.) I had been thinking I may have to take a cab (driving would only take 40-45min), but the online fare calculator says it will cost approx $94.51 - although I'm desperate enough, I can't afford that. And did I mention that TWO of my exams are at 9am?

So if I'm not as responsive as usual, that's why. I'm trying to still keep up with journals, read my books, cook dinner, etc. and not allow this to consume my life. I'm trying, but it's very hard to keep my mind on anything else when I've got a constant dread of "I don't know if I can make it" in the back of my mind. I suppose I just gotta make it, somehow, since there's no other choice. I'll be so glad when this is all over.