SO, my previously mentioned update on the meds and the means to pay for them.
Once again, I want to thank everyone who helped spread the word or pitched in. We got a few retweets, & a donation of $20. Thank you, kind anonymous person - we got 3 generic refills with that money.
I had cash saved for meds, but not enough for everything without insurance prices, so we only picked up our gender meds & our sanity meds - mostly skipping the pain meds, & making do with the Advil we had at home. We finagled, we split doses, and we made it to our next paychecks.
We were able to come to a deal with Cigna - we’d pay their higher rates thru Dec, then switch to a new company come Jan.
I never said it was a good deal.
But at least now we are fully medicated. Our new company covers gender surgery, so we’re looking forward to jumping thru their hoops for the next couple of years, but I least I have hope for the future!
As to my other post: I did research today, and found a place where I could post long blog/story-type messages without people having to sign in to read them. It was… Dreamwidth. Yes, the site I call my home site on my bio is the site I’ve been looking for. Which inspired this mental exchange:
(Enter Glinda the Good Witch)
GLINDA: You've always had the power to post anything you write freely, where anyone can read, without any cost or logins.
ME: I have? Then why didn't you tell me before?
GLINDA: Because you wouldn't have believed me. You had to learn it for yourself.
ME: (pause)
ME: Someone should drop a house on your ass.
-•-
SO, basic issues solved, life goes on. But one more thing…
As I’ve said, I’m staying on Twitter until the end. But some of the situations I’ve experienced here are making me re-think my expectations, my results & my relationship with this site - but that’s a subject for a blog-type post, at another time. Thanks for reading! ☮️ ➡️
Once again, I want to thank everyone who helped spread the word or pitched in. We got a few retweets, & a donation of $20. Thank you, kind anonymous person - we got 3 generic refills with that money.
I had cash saved for meds, but not enough for everything without insurance prices, so we only picked up our gender meds & our sanity meds - mostly skipping the pain meds, & making do with the Advil we had at home. We finagled, we split doses, and we made it to our next paychecks.
We were able to come to a deal with Cigna - we’d pay their higher rates thru Dec, then switch to a new company come Jan.
I never said it was a good deal.
But at least now we are fully medicated. Our new company covers gender surgery, so we’re looking forward to jumping thru their hoops for the next couple of years, but I least I have hope for the future!
As to my other post: I did research today, and found a place where I could post long blog/story-type messages without people having to sign in to read them. It was… Dreamwidth. Yes, the site I call my home site on my bio is the site I’ve been looking for. Which inspired this mental exchange:
(Enter Glinda the Good Witch)
GLINDA: You've always had the power to post anything you write freely, where anyone can read, without any cost or logins.
ME: I have? Then why didn't you tell me before?
GLINDA: Because you wouldn't have believed me. You had to learn it for yourself.
ME: (pause)
ME: Someone should drop a house on your ass.
-•-
SO, basic issues solved, life goes on. But one more thing…
As I’ve said, I’m staying on Twitter until the end. But some of the situations I’ve experienced here are making me re-think my expectations, my results & my relationship with this site - but that’s a subject for a blog-type post, at another time. Thanks for reading! ☮️ ➡️
On Pixel’s & BC’s Passing
Nov. 11th, 2021 03:47 pm(CW: Pet death)
There are some days when you don’t want to do anything except find some way to numb yourself senseless. Other days, you hold tightly onto the pain, determined to rise above it. And then, some days you write about it.
( Read more here )
There are some days when you don’t want to do anything except find some way to numb yourself senseless. Other days, you hold tightly onto the pain, determined to rise above it. And then, some days you write about it.
( Read more here )
So I followed the advice of my friend ashareem (https://ashareem.dreamwidth.org/profile), and did some meditation on the loss of my core.
Her suggestions were a great help, and gave me a lot to work with. At the beginning of my working, I was told that I had lost my empathy - and then was asked if I really wanted it back. The question threw me a bit; by that time, the emptiness within had changed into a mild numbness, with a slight tinge of sadness. It was actually quite comforting, and I felt a lot more calm that I have in a long time. I had to really wrestle with whether or not I actually wanted that empathy back. After all, empathy never seemed to do me any good in the past, so why would I want it back?
I can’t get into a lot of detail here, because some of it was extremely personal, but the end result was yes, I was able to retrieve a reconstituted core. And within that core was my empathy - I realized that I wouldn’t be who I am without my empathy.
The best thing, however, was that I was able to release my self-hatred. It’s just gone now. I still remember those feelings, but there’s no emotional force behind them anymore - they’re more like some historical trivia that doesn’t really matter anymore. The memory still exists, but it’s empty of meaning. I’m actually feeling more of a draw toward feelings of self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and a feeling of pride in myself. And those feeling are still in place today, so I’m hoping this will be the new status quo in my live.
So this part of my spiritual adventure ended wonderfully. I’m sure there will be some rough edges on my new core that need to be filed down, but I haven’t felt this good about myself since - well, ever.
May this new direction in my life, this unexpected epiphany, stay within me for a very long time to come. Thanks for reading.
Her suggestions were a great help, and gave me a lot to work with. At the beginning of my working, I was told that I had lost my empathy - and then was asked if I really wanted it back. The question threw me a bit; by that time, the emptiness within had changed into a mild numbness, with a slight tinge of sadness. It was actually quite comforting, and I felt a lot more calm that I have in a long time. I had to really wrestle with whether or not I actually wanted that empathy back. After all, empathy never seemed to do me any good in the past, so why would I want it back?
I can’t get into a lot of detail here, because some of it was extremely personal, but the end result was yes, I was able to retrieve a reconstituted core. And within that core was my empathy - I realized that I wouldn’t be who I am without my empathy.
The best thing, however, was that I was able to release my self-hatred. It’s just gone now. I still remember those feelings, but there’s no emotional force behind them anymore - they’re more like some historical trivia that doesn’t really matter anymore. The memory still exists, but it’s empty of meaning. I’m actually feeling more of a draw toward feelings of self-acceptance, self-appreciation, and a feeling of pride in myself. And those feeling are still in place today, so I’m hoping this will be the new status quo in my live.
So this part of my spiritual adventure ended wonderfully. I’m sure there will be some rough edges on my new core that need to be filed down, but I haven’t felt this good about myself since - well, ever.
May this new direction in my life, this unexpected epiphany, stay within me for a very long time to come. Thanks for reading.
Just between Yule and Christmas, it felt like a bomb went off inside me. It was like a mental/emotional blast that broke me into pieces. I lost any sense of who or what I was, and felt more like a zombie than anything else. When I finally regained enough of my sense of self to examine myself, I found a huge hole in my chest; a perfectly round hole, like the one you’d get from one of those old office hole-punchers - centered, of course, where my heart should have been.
(It must be said that the above description is, of course, purely metaphorical - although I do truly feel like there’s a big, empty hole within me)
This lack of heart doesn’t stop me from loving and caring for others, or being moved to tears over a sad or bittersweet story. It just seemed to take all the hope, all the optimism, all the joy of life away from me. It was really shocking - I’ve gone through bad depressive periods before, but nothing ever like this. I didn’t even feel bad, per se; just empty, and hollow, and kinda sad.
I don’t know what happened, or why, or what even set it off. It’s been a rough holiday season (and a rough year) for me, but no more rough than a lot of folks are going through - and compared to some, significantly less so. No one I love told me to piss off, my cats were… well, they were still my cats, but they hadn’t changed, and I hadn’t gone through any significant changes or shocks. But something important had been taken/died/was lost within me.
It’s still not back, either.
Obviously, I don’t know what to do about this, other than add it to the list of things to talk to a therapist about. Assuming I can find and afford a therapist, and assuming anyone good is taking new clients in this, the year of our lord COVID-19 v.2.
So I may not be able to be post anything positive, uplifting, or reassuring for a while. I’m afraid that, someone knowing what I’m going through, would read my words with a jaundiced, cynical eye - and I wouldn’t blame them if I did.
Regardless, I do most sincerely wish all my readers the happiest of all possible New Years, that their funds grow into wealth, that they have warm, comfortable homes to live in and full pantries to keep food in, and the closest they come to COVID-19 is what’s in the vaccination shots available to us. May your upcoming year be filled with joy, prosperity, and yes, even love.
Best wishes to you and yours.
(It must be said that the above description is, of course, purely metaphorical - although I do truly feel like there’s a big, empty hole within me)
This lack of heart doesn’t stop me from loving and caring for others, or being moved to tears over a sad or bittersweet story. It just seemed to take all the hope, all the optimism, all the joy of life away from me. It was really shocking - I’ve gone through bad depressive periods before, but nothing ever like this. I didn’t even feel bad, per se; just empty, and hollow, and kinda sad.
I don’t know what happened, or why, or what even set it off. It’s been a rough holiday season (and a rough year) for me, but no more rough than a lot of folks are going through - and compared to some, significantly less so. No one I love told me to piss off, my cats were… well, they were still my cats, but they hadn’t changed, and I hadn’t gone through any significant changes or shocks. But something important had been taken/died/was lost within me.
It’s still not back, either.
Obviously, I don’t know what to do about this, other than add it to the list of things to talk to a therapist about. Assuming I can find and afford a therapist, and assuming anyone good is taking new clients in this, the year of our lord COVID-19 v.2.
So I may not be able to be post anything positive, uplifting, or reassuring for a while. I’m afraid that, someone knowing what I’m going through, would read my words with a jaundiced, cynical eye - and I wouldn’t blame them if I did.
Regardless, I do most sincerely wish all my readers the happiest of all possible New Years, that their funds grow into wealth, that they have warm, comfortable homes to live in and full pantries to keep food in, and the closest they come to COVID-19 is what’s in the vaccination shots available to us. May your upcoming year be filled with joy, prosperity, and yes, even love.
Best wishes to you and yours.
A brief vignette
Aug. 27th, 2020 06:50 pmA brief soliloquy, as it was dictated to me ...
Of course you don’t know. They’ve disguised me so well, no one from this world would recognize me, nor from any other. But they put no geas on my tongue, so I shall tell you a story. It may even be mine!
I am known as Robin. But not just any Robin.
( Read more... )
Who am I? Indeed!
Of course you don’t know. They’ve disguised me so well, no one from this world would recognize me, nor from any other. But they put no geas on my tongue, so I shall tell you a story. It may even be mine!
I am known as Robin. But not just any Robin.
( Read more... )
"Going Home" - a new short story
Jun. 21st, 2020 08:32 pmWell, they said I couldn't do it. Hell, I thought I couldn't do it. But here it is, the first short story I've written in a decade or so. It's a little one - only about 1500 words - but I'm pretty pleased with it. It's called "Going Home" and it was heavily inspired by the art of Akane Malbeni. Since this is my first piece in forever, I'd love to hear any kind of constructive criticism on it. So, here it is...
( Click here for the story )
Going Home
By Renee Maris
Inspired by art by Malbeni
Inspired by art by Malbeni
( Click here for the story )
Hello, everyone who's still following me and and those who have just recently started coming by. After a gap of about, what, 10 years? I finally have something to say again, and I've decided to say it here. So, a brief re-introduction -
I'm Renee Maris, although I also go by Robin. I'm a redheaded polyamorous bisexual trans woman in a 20+ year committed relationship with![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sanacrow. I am very into movies, animation in general, anime in particular, music, reading, writing, hanging out with friends and drinking coffee, and being myself. I'm part of Generation Jones (go on, check it out!), and have, in general, had a life.
And now, after a decade of depression, soul searching and watching anime (Neon Genesis Evangelion changed my life, I'm telling you), I'm ready to come back and be part of this online world again. So, hello! And...
On With the Show, This is It!
I'm Renee Maris, although I also go by Robin. I'm a redheaded polyamorous bisexual trans woman in a 20+ year committed relationship with
sanacrow. I am very into movies, animation in general, anime in particular, music, reading, writing, hanging out with friends and drinking coffee, and being myself. I'm part of Generation Jones (go on, check it out!), and have, in general, had a life.
And now, after a decade of depression, soul searching and watching anime (Neon Genesis Evangelion changed my life, I'm telling you), I'm ready to come back and be part of this online world again. So, hello! And...
On With the Show, This is It!
A Reminder
Oct. 16th, 2009 09:16 pmThere's something I believe
I want to try and live my life, carrying all of my memories with me
And even if those memories are painful
Even if they do nothing but hurt me
I want to keep them
Even those memories I sometimes wish I could forget
As long as I carry them with me
As long as I can keep holding on, then someday
Someday, I'll be strong enough that those memories don't hurt me anymore
And I'll be glad I have them
That's what I believe… with all my heart.
That's why all of my memories are precious to me.
I don't think it would be okay to forget a single one…
#####
All of my memories
I want to keep them close to my heart
And I want to go on believing
I'm going to hold on… no matter how hard it might be sometimes
I never want to forget.
Because, someday…
I will be strong enough
All of the memories that are painful now
They won't hurt anymore
And when that day comes, I'll be glad that I have them
Yes, all of my memories are precious to me
Every
single
one.
I want to try and live my life, carrying all of my memories with me
And even if those memories are painful
Even if they do nothing but hurt me
I want to keep them
Even those memories I sometimes wish I could forget
As long as I carry them with me
As long as I can keep holding on, then someday
Someday, I'll be strong enough that those memories don't hurt me anymore
And I'll be glad I have them
That's what I believe… with all my heart.
That's why all of my memories are precious to me.
I don't think it would be okay to forget a single one…
#####
All of my memories
I want to keep them close to my heart
And I want to go on believing
I'm going to hold on… no matter how hard it might be sometimes
I never want to forget.
Because, someday…
I will be strong enough
All of the memories that are painful now
They won't hurt anymore
And when that day comes, I'll be glad that I have them
Yes, all of my memories are precious to me
Every
single
one.
From Fruits Basket
Episode 15
Episode 15
On behalf of the staff and management, we hope you've enjoyed the 2008 edition of Talk Like a Pirate Day. This year, TLaPD was brought to you, in part, by a grant from the letters "Arrr" and "Aye" - and pieces of eight.
Thanks to everyone who participated, and as we all cast off to our respective ports, please remember (ahem) - "If ye be indulging in yer rum, don't be manning the wheel."
Thanks to everyone who participated, and as we all cast off to our respective ports, please remember (ahem) - "If ye be indulging in yer rum, don't be manning the wheel."
You might as well live
Sep. 9th, 2008 08:16 amSnagged from this morning's New York Times, on coping with sudden, unexpected death...
Full article here
What can one do? Go home, love your children, try not to bicker, eat well, walk in the rain, feel the sun on your face and laugh loud and often, as much as possible, and especially at yourself. Because the only antidote to death is not poetry, or drama, or miracle drugs, or a roomful of technical expertise and good intentions. The antidote to death is life.
Full article here
Know Milk?
Sep. 8th, 2008 09:22 pmLater this year, a major biopic of Harvey Milk will be coming out - which is entirely appropriate, since Harvey Milk himself was a role model for coming out and being who you are, without apology. If you're not familiar with Milk, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jesus_h_biscuit in this post gives a wonderful introduction to the man and his work, with links to film archives - including one to the "Times of Harvey Milk" documentary.
Please check out the link and the files - they're well worth your time.
jesus_h_biscuit in this post gives a wonderful introduction to the man and his work, with links to film archives - including one to the "Times of Harvey Milk" documentary.Please check out the link and the files - they're well worth your time.
 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
What DC Super Heroine are you? created with QuizFarm.com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as Wonder Woman Diana is an ambassador from Themyscira, sent to represent her people, the Amazons. She was given life by the Greek Gods, and has a strong connection with them. She values truth and peace above all else. She has a deep respect for all life.
|
(no subject)
Jan. 21st, 2008 08:38 pmCan't say I was surprised...
Your Score: The Dolphin
You scored 51% domestic, 57% gregarious, 67% trickster, and 35% intellect!
Domestic, Gregarious, Emotional Trickster: you are the Dolphin!
Communication, intelligence, emotion. Dolphin people tend to be sociable, playful, and kind. Dolphin medicine teaches people to be motivated, inquisitive, and full of life. It also teaches people the importance of not taking oneself too seriously.
This test categorized you based on four different axes of personality, which were then associated with a different animal. The four axes, as well as all possible results are explained below.
Wild/Domestic: This first axis categorizes you based on how much you are drawn to the outdoors, versus how much you are drawn to civilized situations. Domesticity has many shapes and forms, and varies from the joy of dolphins leaping next to a ship to the steadfast loyalty of a family dog.
Gregarious/Solitary: This axis measures how solitary you are. If you scored high, it means that you enjoy the company of other people, while a low score indicates that you prefer a more solitary lifestyle.
Trickster/Serious: This axis measures how well you line up with conventional trickster archetypes. People who fall into this archetype have a sense of humor and an excitable, highly chaotic streak. Scoring low doesn't mean that you don't have a sense of humor; it just means that you probably don't think dynamite is very funny.
Intellectual/Emotional: This last axis determines whether you are more emotional -- acting based on feelings and instinct, or rational and intelectual -- acting more on thought than on your gut feelings.
| Wild | Gregarious | Trickster | Intellectual | The Hyena |
| Wild | Gregarious | Trickster | Emotional | The Otter |
| Wild | Gregarious | Serious | Intellectual | The Antelope |
| Wild | Gregarious | Serious | Emotional | The Wolf |
| Wild | Solitary | Trickster | Intellectual | The Weasel |
| Wild | Solitary | Trickster | Emotional | The Coyote |
| Wild | Solitary | Serious | Intellectual | The Raven |
| Wild | Solitary | Serious | Emotional | The Frog |
| Domestic | Gregarious | Trickster | Intellectual | The Fox |
| Domestic | Gregarious | Trickster | Emotional | The Dolphin |
| Domestic | Gregarious | Serious | Intellectual | The Horse |
| Domestic | Gregarious | Serious | Emotional | The Dog |
| Domestic | Solitary | Trickster | Intellectual | The Rat |
| Domestic | Solitary | Trickster | Emotional | The Ferret |
| Domestic | Solitary | Serious | Intellectual | The Cat |
| Domestic | Solitary | Serious | Emotional | The Squirrel |
| Link: The Animal Archetype Test written by crumpetsfortea on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test View My Profile(crumpetsfortea) |
(no subject)
Jan. 21st, 2008 08:29 pm | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as The Student Dyke Your entire life is defined by two things: your intellect and your sexuality; moreover you often merge the two to lure in women.
|
My Comment to LJ - for what it's worth...
May. 30th, 2007 11:43 pmThis post brought to you by the letters Arrr and Aye - and pieces of 8.
You don't want to give us any answers? Then don't expect any of our money.
Yo Ho.
You don't want to give us any answers? Then don't expect any of our money.
Yo Ho.
