52/321: Who

Jan. 15th, 2026 02:10 am
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Too many false starts. I keep nodding off, waking up, looking at the clock, and wondering how it got so late. I barely remember the days now. I know I ate something Wednesday, but I can't recall what. I know I slept, but when? Maybe I cat nap dreamed about the future and mistook it for the past. I remember T-Mobile waking me up with an unfamiliar sound at an ungodly hour with a message on my screen wishing me a "happy birthday today!" It was the 14th. My birthday is the 19th. Or is it? I don't recall them sending me a birthday message any earlier year. Am I who I thought I was, or did that guy never exist, or did something turn me/him into something else (me/whoever now?) I/he find myself/himself hoping to turn back into unambiguous me (him?) next time I (really?) sleep. It's late, and one of us is about to do that now. Who will wake up next? Anybody?
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[personal profile] glowingfish
This is for people outside of the US, to explain some of the content of what is going on right now.

In the US, Trump was a doofus celebrity and tabloid fodder for a long time. Then a reality TV show host. The entire thing was a joke, and no one took it seriously. And during his first term, even as he said scarier and scarier stuff, it was hard for people to not view it as another zany, slightly entertaining tabloid story. Personally, during his first term, even as I saw things get weirder and weirder, it was hard for me to ever take it seriously.

He got angrier (probably fueled by dementia) during his time out of office. This term, he is doing things that should scare everyone in the world. Including talking about attacking an allied nation.

But for a lot of people in the US, there is honestly a very deeply buried idea that this is...a television show.

And you see it in things like Trump dopily accepting a trophy for FIFAs "Peace Prize". Even while he is talking about attacking allies, he still wants the show to go on. And Americans kind of believe it can: somehow we can go to war with Europe but there will be no consequences, even to entertainment?

So one of the things that can be done immediately, that will have a bigger impact than most people could guess, is just start talking about boycotting and cancelling that type of stuff. Do we really think that we are going to have World War III, and also have a fun summer time World Cup? A World Cup that involves Canada, the US and Mexico all in harmony? Are the Nordic counties going to laugh this all off when it is time for the Winter Olympics? All of these things will make a gigantic impact to begin with, because Trump is obsessed with ratings and being a star. The idea that "The show must go on" doesn't apply for ever will burst a gigantic bubble.

52/319-320: Dry

Jan. 13th, 2026 01:12 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
I guess it's indicative of how things are going these days that after some ten hours in bed Monday night I had to have an afternoon nap Tuesday after being up for only eight hours. Monday I opened a can of chili for dinner, and then felt like I was about to hurl chunks every time I woke up for the rest of the night. Tonight I've decided to avoid that by eating nothing but two slices of toast and three small cookies. I'm not sure it's going to work.

The daily high temperatures are creeping upward. By Friday they are expected to reach an unseasonable 67. That's going to be my grocery day. Not that the mildness will make any difference to that. The only inconvenience around here would be rain, and there's none of that in the long range forecast. I'm starting to fear there might be none of that for the rest of the winter. I'm too tired to care very much though.

I wonder if I should microwave a ramen bowl? Nah, I'd just end up eating it. And then where would I be? Same feckin place I am now.
glowingfish: (Default)
[personal profile] glowingfish
As the famous David Byrne quote goes...we might find ourselves asking, "How did I get here?" At what point in my life did I somehow play MASH that got me where I am now? How did my life decisions take me to this moment?

And also, how did the world get to this moment?

Okay, I can't answer the second one. Although it has a lot to do where I am now.

I live in an apartment outside a relative's home. I work online, and actually have a job that takes some education and skill, but since it is gig work, I make very little money. But I also currently don't have many expenses. I don't have a car, and I don't need any medication (which seem to be the big two for most people). I don't have any expensive hobbies, other than electronics (and even then, I haven't bought any new electronics for two years). I travel a lot, but because I don't go to restaurants, and travel by public transportation, it doesn't cost much. So I am living almost like a hermit.
I also realized in the past year or two that a lot of my former relationships haven't been doing much for me. I am not some type of radical misanthrope, but most social events have just ceased to do much for me.
(Note: all of this personal stuff is connected with the world situation. The amount of cruelty that I have seen from other people makes me wary about who I socialize with, even if on the surface things look good)

So I am 46, living an acceptable life, but feeling a very different emotional inclination than I did just a few years ago. I like to work, go outside, study languages, meditate, and read. That is the sum of my life right now. And this wasn't a forced, radical decision, I just started moving away from certain things.

52/317-318: Oh Drear

Jan. 11th, 2026 10:33 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Saturday and Sunday were both days of sleep, of not wanting to get out from under the cozy covers, and when I did get out not getting anything done. The days are seeming drear and the nights full of an unserene quiet. Maybe this will change, maybe it won't. Lying abed awake or asleep it doesn't matter. There is just the indeterminate hour passing imperceptibly. Maybe I go back to sleep, maybe I don't. Once it's done I can't tell the difference. At some point I get hungry, and at some point the hunger becomes more unpleasant than eating, then I get up and eat. With luck, the eating makes me sleepy again, and the cycles repeat. How much longer, who knows? I care less every day.


Late Sunday Verse )

Back to Indoor Things

Jan. 11th, 2026 08:00 pm
ursulas_alcove: medieval garden (garden)
[personal profile] ursulas_alcove
While the false spring was here, I did spend time clearing the area behind the garage. I think it'll become my potato patch. I checked out the sun angles. In spring and summer, it'll get morning and afternoon sun. Parts will have full sun. There is room between the hazelnuts to put an old bench that a neighbor discarded. I can give it a coat of linseed oil or polyurethane. Then it can hold about 5 potato grow bags. I have in mind to make a makeshift bed with wood boards, rebar and cinder blocks. The steps to the attic of the garage can hold four more containers of potatoes and the wire mesh corner bench can hold 6 more grow bags of potatoes. That's 21 potato plants.

Potatoes are one of the first plants I start outside in March. It also means that it is the first area I need to have ready to go. The weeds have been pulled and grass has been sickled. The compost pile has grown significantly. It's also located right there. I need to turn the pile regularly as soon as temperatures get above freezing. I have a tarp to put up there to flip the pile. The ground will get covered with cardboard and woodchips. The bench has got to be hauled up there too. That'll be the hard part.

Rock wall on the bottom of the picture. From the 2022 incident:
Day One

The branches from the fallen Siberian Elm have been removed. I also was given a set of RV steps out of treated wood. I plan to use those on the rock wall. When the Elm fell, the rock wall kind of scattered and needs to be rebuilt. It was a 100 year old tree. It had three major trunks. Two fell at various times on my poor garage. Last year my neighbor took the rest of the tree out entirely. The area has sun now.

2022
Day one

behind-garage

The building is the garage. North is up. The curve is the rock wall. The H is a hellabore. The (P) persimmons and currant bush never got planted. One persimmon graft died and we don't know if the base stock survived. Persimmons need two to bear fruit. We could not obtain a second. The company read the original zone wrong and had it listed as zone 6 but it was actually a 9. I'm in zone 6. They refuse to sell me a zone 9 plant. If it died in the drought, I will replace the existing tree with a willow, currently growing in a pot. The three tiered wire rack will go where the currant bush was planned.

By removing the branches and portable steps, the ground hog hole has been exposed. The neighbor did leave mothballs there to deter the skunks. The mothballs offended some critter. It left me two huge piles of poop. It looks like small pellets. but the piles are large. Raccoon, ground hog or skunk, maybe even deer? I didn't notice any tracks when it snowed.

I've been watching the Back-to-Eden video as well as Ruth Stout on how she grows potatoes. My wooden boards will define an area for me to try a Ruth Stout garden. I need the compost to create ground on top of the cardboard. The boards are 6 ft long. Cinderblocks will be the end caps. Those are 18" wide. That will be the new potato bed, holding 6 plants, covered in straw.

I'm back inside because we've had snow flurries all day. I've sharpened my pencil and I am planning out what to plant and when. Some seed packets are old and may not germinate. I am doing a trial batch of onions. The seed is from 2024. In two weeks, if it doesn't sprout, I will start over with a different pack of seeds. I also have onion bulb sets coming later in spring. I have more garden plan sketching to do. I've outlined 17 crops that I want in the garden. I have in mind to grow 400 pounds of food. I have tons of flower seed packets too.

On that note, as the temperature drops again, I need to bring in my cabbage plant and a pot of herbs. They were on the front porch getting some vague sunshine. Hopefully this makes sense. I have a hard time articulating the pictures in my head.

Amo obsidian

Jan. 11th, 2026 01:20 am
sv4649: (Cat chill)
[personal profile] sv4649

Fibalmente este año retomaré Sobre La Marea, ya hice los ajustes necesarios en esta vieja macbook del 2017 que me regalaron.

Mi laptop windows está muy acabada y no es confiable para nada.

Cualquier cosa que vaya a pasarle a esta macbook podré retomar la escritura donde sea desde este mismo baúl porque lo pondré en dropbox. 😊

Daredevil: Born Again & The X-Files

Jan. 10th, 2026 06:03 pm
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[personal profile] sv4649

To be fair, I saw sporadic episodes of the Netflix series before this, husband wanted to watch this new series and i simply stayed along. Bullseye is more like candy to my eye. Watched only the 1st episode.
Later I decided to give The X-Files a chance, looking at Scully in TRON: Ares really helped as motivation (what a beautiful woman!).

52/316: Random

Jan. 9th, 2026 03:06 am
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Up all night with random thoughts and random pains, and less-than-random thoughts about random pains, like WTF, knees? I watched a video of mountain goats, one of whom had been fitted out with a video camera, and I'm sure it's going to give me nightmares. Maybe that's why I stayed up all night. The cold tonight is as cold as I'd expected, and has probably contributed to those random pains. Also, my stomach is criticizing my cooking again, for which I certainly can't blame it. At least my tongue now has company to love in its misery.

My nose wants to be a marathoner, I fear. It's been running like the whole Persian army is on its metaphorical tail (I'm pretty sure noses don't have actual tails, though if my nose could talk it would surely have some tales.) Perhaps it is only anticipating the upcoming unseasonable mild spell, which is now predicted to last ten days, those days brining highs in the sixties. Plants could start blooming prematurely, and releasing pollen which will give me both runny nose and sneezing. It will be spring in January. But why should nature be normal when people have gotten so weird? I'm sure I don't know, and I doubt anybody else does.

Again, knees? WTF? Okay, I'll quit sitting and go to bed.
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[personal profile] glowingfish
But I will make this post just to say I am...well, like I said, I don't have words.

52/315: Chilled

Jan. 7th, 2026 11:57 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Felt crappy all day Wednesday. Still do. Took an unintentional nap that was also ineffectual. Ate a big dinner that was overeffectual. It's gotten very cold tonight, and I'm going back to bed to warm up under the covers. Maybe my brain will start working again, but probably not. The next four nights will be very cold too. I think I'll be spending a lot of time under the covers. The days will be sunny but chilly. Not my favorite weather, but I can't afford to travel, so I'm stuck with it. But maybe I'll feel less crappy anyway. Probably not.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

Jan. 7th, 2026 08:27 pm
ursulas_alcove: medieval garden (garden)
[personal profile] ursulas_alcove
First, and probably foremost, I didn't get at the tree trimming because I had no healthcare at all. I went for 26 years or so without healthcare coverage.If you live in America, you'll understand. If not, I can't begin to explain how archaic our system is. Without healthcare, there was no way I was going to climb a ladder or a tree.

Second, I didn't have a ladder. Once a tree gets too tall, I couldn't trim it. Last year I broke down and bought a ladder when they were on sale. Previously, I owned a rickety wooden ladder that was really only meant to make it easier to change light bulbs. Being cash strapped has been a constant for me for many years. It started with the Bush (W) Administration. Recession hit us hard. Both my husband and I were laid off before 9/11 was even a word.

Third, a sharp object to cut with. All I had was a lopper. You can't cut 2" thick limbs with a lopper. I attempted to use a pole saw. It wasn't easy to use and got stuck in the tree for a year. Then I broke the blade. I lost the screw holding on the lopping attachment. It was a disaster. Then I bought a hand held blade but I still didn't have a ladder. The hand held blade took forever to cut even one limb.

Now I have a mini-chainsaw and a ladder. I shut the power off to the garage. I'm finally making progress. Wish I had a chipper/shredder but for now, I'm happy. There will be light in the garden and there will be less likelihood of contacting the power line, plus the tree will grow better. Win - win!

Tree Trimming Time

52/314: Souper

Jan. 6th, 2026 09:55 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
A soup night. I just didn't have the energy to cook. Not even to warm up the Sunday leftovers. It was easier to pour a can of sodium-laden soup into the pan and turn on the burner for a few minutes. I did have the energy to pour the heated soup into a bowl, rather than just eating it out of the pan. I even dug out the scissors and opened a new sleeve of crackers. I may feel like I'm at death's door, but damned if I'm going to exert myself to knock. Let the old creep come out and fetch me.

Tonight we have one last night with a low in the forties, and Wednesday we start a string of nights going down into the thirties. These will be the coldest nights yet this winter, and they really aren't all that cold. None of them are predicted to hit freezing. Still, they will be boosting my utility bill. But then the next week we get a string of days with highs in the sixties instead of our normal January fifties. That could counter the chilly nights and push my bill back down a bit. I'll take what I can get.

That is if the whole long range weather report isn't just a PACK OF LIES! It sometimes is, or at least is a pack of mistakes. If it has mistakes, maybe we'll get some more rain this month. That string of mild days doesn't look very promising though. It looks like another harbinger of drought and a hot summer. Tonight there's a flood watch, and they will be diverting the river into a cutoff that feeds a large basin where excess water can percolate down into the parched aquifer. One more good thing, at least. Like that soup.
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[personal profile] fox_in_me


📝 Оригинальный текст записи
Сегодня хочу поделиться историей. Она произошла сегодня, но началась ещё летом 2022 года.

Вопреки внешним обстоятельствам я всё‑таки решился пройти обследование в военном госпитале. Успел буквально минута в минуту. В очереди я заметил знакомого человека в военной форме — девушку, служившую в части, с которой я начинал свой путь в армии.

Сначала я её не узнал: лицо было залито слезами, взгляд — пустой и уставший.

Немного предыстории.

Когда я только призвался, я попал в очень молодой коллектив. Многие были вчерашними студентами, кто‑то совсем юный. Тогда царила полная неразбериха: никто особо не смотрел ни на биографии, ни на навыки — нужно было просто закрыть вакантные места. Честно говоря, спустя четыре года ситуация изменилась не так уж сильно.

Коллектив был большим: молодые офицеры, простые матросы. По возрасту я был старше почти всех, кроме командира — он был примерно моего возраста. Многие приехали из других городов и сёл, и мне искренне хотелось помогать новым коллегам: с жильём, с бытом, с самыми простыми вещами. Один из них даже какое‑то время жил у меня.

Когда я освоился в работе и начал заступать на боевые дежурства, для меня стало важным знать свой состав и формировать рабочие смены. Мы все учились на ходу, но главным был результат и безопасность. Люди разные — к каждому нужен был подход. Не через приказы, а через понимание.

Среди моих подчинённых была и та самая девушка. Всё, что я знал о ней поначалу: она выходила из Мариуполя в составе группы, путь был тяжёлым. Поэтому я относился к ней и к тем ребятам особенно мягко. Но довольно быстро стало заметно: её состояние значительно тяжелее, чем у остальных. Я узнал, что её муж находится в плену.

В то время у меня было много знакомых волонтёров, достаточно влиятельных. Многие вопросы решались звонком. Видя её подавленность, я решил помочь — хотя бы узнать что‑то о нём. Мне удалось подтвердить, что он жив и официально числится в списках пленных. Я искренне подумал, что это хорошая новость.

Но она отреагировала почти безразлично.

Позже, изучив её дело глубже, я узнал, что она уже в третий раз была замужем. Все её браки — с военными — закончились драмой, и нередко с насилием, причём инициатором была она. Мне было её жаль. Я пытался поддерживать её, сглаживать углы — в том числе потому, что она должна была выполнять боевые задачи, а заменить её было некем.

В разговорах она признавалась, что не знает, чего хочет от жизни. Единственное, что понимала точно — она не хочет быть в армии. Возможно, возвращение в деревню было бы для неё спасением, но уволиться она не могла.

При этом, зная, что её муж в плену, я видел её беспорядочную личную жизнь. Это не моё дело — но мне было больно за того парня, который там, и ничего об этом не знает. Стало очевидно: для неё это не имело значения.

Многие относились к ней агрессивно, не понимая, насколько у неё нестабильное состояние. Я, по крайней мере, не допускал, чтобы у неё было оружие на моих сменах. От неё часто звучали слова о том, что жизнь для неё ничего не значит. Эти слова задели меня особенно — в войне они звучат опасно и глупо одновременно.

Я недолго служил в той части и позже перешёл туда, где мог применить свои морские гражданские навыки. До последнего я пытался поддерживать всех, но её — особенно.

Через год мне сообщили, что она попала в аварию: вместе с очередным случайным мужчиной на скорости около 170 км/ч они влетели в столб. Это уже было не в моей зоне ответственности — у неё был свой командир. Но её прежние слова о бессмысленности жизни снова всплыли у меня в голове.

И вот — спустя четыре года — я снова увидел её в госпитале. В форме. Я подошёл и спросил, как она. Чёткого ответа не получил. Она узнала меня первой, но избегала взгляда. Рядом были молодые ребята, сопровождавшие её к врачу — меня они узнали сразу.

Десяти минут общения хватило, чтобы понять: стало только хуже. Ей нужна была помощь психолога ещё тогда, а сейчас — скорее психотерапевта. Я сказал ей несколько слов поддержки — и меня вызвали на приём.

Когда я вышел, её уже не было.

Я знаю номер её командира, мог бы позвонить и настоять на помощи. Но меня об этом не просили. И, честно говоря, её состояние говорит ещё и о другом — она сама ничего не хочет менять. Это её право.

Находясь в госпитале и видя десятки, сотни искалеченных людей, такое отношение к жизни кажется мне циничным и эгоистичным.

Когда‑то я попытался помочь. Но если человек не просит, а лишь манипулирует ради внимания — любая помощь будет обесценена.
гда-то я уже пытался. Не формально, не для галочки — по-настоящему.
Я слушал, искал возможности, звонил, узнавал, брал на себя больше, чем должен был.
Но с годами я понял простую и неприятную вещь:
если человек не просит о помощи, а лишь требует внимания — любая помощь будет обесценена.

Иногда мы путаем сострадание с обязанностью спасать.
Но спасение без запроса превращается в насилие — над собой и над другим.
Человек имеет право не хотеть меняться.
Имеет право не ценить жизнь.
Даже если это больно видеть.

Я больше не беру на себя то, что мне не принадлежит.
Не потому что стал черствым, а потому что научился уважать границы — и свои, и чужие.
Иногда самый честный выбор — остановиться.

Note translated in assistance with AI.
Today I want to share a story. It happened today, but it began back in the summer of 2022.

Despite everything happening around me, I finally decided to go through medical examinations at a military hospital. I arrived exactly on time. While waiting in line, I noticed a familiar face in uniform — a woman who once served in the unit where my military service began.

At first, I didn’t recognize her. Her face was filled with tears, her eyes empty and exhausted.

A bit of background.

When I was first drafted, I ended up in a very young unit. Many had just graduated from university, some were barely adults. Back then, there was chaos — no one really paid attention to biographies or skills; vacant positions simply had to be filled. To be honest, four years later, not much has changed.

The unit was large: young officers, ordinary sailors. I was older than almost everyone, except for the commander, who was about my age. Many came from other towns and villages, and I genuinely wanted to help my new colleagues — with housing, daily life, basic things. One of them even lived at my place for a while.

Once I settled into my role and began standing combat duty, it became important for me to truly know my people and build working shifts. We were all learning, but results and safety mattered most. Everyone was different — each person required understanding, not orders.

That woman was among my personnel. At first, all I knew was that she had escaped Mariupol as part of a group. The journey had been hard, so I treated her and the others gently. But it soon became clear that her condition was much worse than the rest. I learned that her husband was in captivity.

At the time, I knew many volunteers with influence. Some issues could be solved with a phone call. Seeing her state, I decided to help — at least to find out something about him. I managed to confirm that he was alive and officially listed as a prisoner. I truly believed this was good news.

She reacted with indifference.

Later, after learning more about her case, I discovered this was her third marriage. All her husbands were military men, and none of the marriages survived. There was a lot of drama and even violence — often initiated by her. I felt sorry for her. I tried to support her, to smooth things out — partly because she still had to perform her duties, and there was no one to replace her.

In conversations, she admitted she didn’t know what she wanted from life. The only thing she knew for sure was that she didn’t want to be in the army. Returning to her village might have saved her, but leaving wasn’t an option.

At the same time, knowing her husband was in captivity, I saw how chaotic her personal life was. It wasn’t my business — but I felt pain for the man who was imprisoned and unaware of it all. It became clear that it didn’t matter to her.

Many treated her aggressively, unable to see how unstable she was. At the very least, I made sure she never had a weapon during my shifts. She often said her life meant nothing. Those words affected me deeply — during war, they are both foolish and dangerous.

I didn’t serve long in that unit and later moved to a position closer to the sea, where I could use my civilian skills. Until the very end, I tried to support everyone — her especially.

A year later, I was told she had been in a car accident. Together with another random man, they crashed into a pole at around 170 km/h. It was no longer my responsibility — she had her own commander. But her words about life being meaningless stayed with me.

Four years later, I saw her again in the hospital. In uniform. I asked how she was. There was no clear answer. She recognized me first but avoided my gaze. Young soldiers accompanying her seemed to recognize me immediately.

Ten minutes were enough to understand: things had only gotten worse. She needed a psychologist back then; now, probably a psychotherapist. I said a few words of support — and was called in by the doctor.

When I came out, she was gone.

I know her commander’s number. I could have asked him to intervene. But no one asked me. And honestly, her condition also shows something else — she doesn’t want to change anything. That is her right.

Standing in a hospital among dozens, hundreds of broken people, such an attitude toward life feels cynical and selfish.

I tried to help once. But when a person doesn’t ask for help and only manipulates for attention, any help will inevitably be devalued.
Being in a military hospital, among dozens and hundreds of broken bodies,
I felt especially sharply how cynical the phrase
“I don’t care whether I live or not” can sound.

In a place where people cling to every breath,
indifference to life stops being just a personal tragedy —
it becomes painful noise.

I am not a judge.
But I know one thing for certain:
help imposed on someone who is not ready to accept it does not heal — it only creates an illusion of care.
Once, I already tried.
And if a person does not want to move toward life,
no external voice can take that step for them.

Sometimes responsibility is not intervention —
but knowing when to step back.


52/313: Last Rain

Jan. 5th, 2026 10:48 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Monday brought weather, as predicted, and I had to use an umbrella when I went out to the mailbox. There was no mail, but I will consider it virtuous exercise rather than a foolish waste of effort. I heated up Saturday leftovers for dinner, along with Friday leftovers for a side dish. The main Friday leftovers I might have Tuesday night or Wednesday night, but I'll need a fresh side dish. Why must life be so complicated?

Although we could get a bit more rain tonight, Tuesday is supposed to be only partly cloudy, wo I want to get to sleep so I will be done sleeping by the time the sun comes out. I've been spoiled by the foggy and rainy weather we've had lately, with the room being dark or dim every time I wake up, making it easy to get back to sleep. That luxury will be going away over the coming weeks. Adjustment will be difficult, I'm sure.

Oh, midnight.

Monday Muffin Madness

Jan. 5th, 2026 03:31 pm
ursulas_alcove: 19th century engraving of a woman using a drop spindle (Default)
[personal profile] ursulas_alcove
It started with a batch of Kefir gone wrong. I wasn't about to throw it out, not at today's prices of milk. Muffins were the answer. Banana Nut Muffins, Cranberry Orange muffins and Date Nut Bread (muffins). Except by the time I got to baking the date nut, I had to half the recipe but I accidentally put the full amount of sugar in. Oops! They are caramelized. The freezer is full and breakfast is a no brainer.

Banana Nut Muffiins

Cranberry Orange Muffins

Date Nut Bread

Grumbling into the red state void...

Jan. 5th, 2026 01:39 pm
citrine_too: Tired bear w/text "So tired OMG (pooped)
[personal profile] citrine_too
  Got another one of those notices from the so-called Family Support division of my home state telling me that hey, you know that seventy six dollars you had to beg and fight for, and jumped through a million and one hoops to get during your last renewal? Since you got that cool COLA increase (a ginormous eight dollars or so according to my limited math skills,) we've decided to cut your food assistance to fifty-six dollars. A month. Since I I have something like thirty-five dollars in my checking at the moment and three different bills that I am going to have to pay late, which will eat up most of my SSDI because of late fees, and I don't get my SSDI until a week after they are all due- and there are plenty more coming down the pipeline-you can imagine that I was not happy to receive that informational tidbit. As a matter of fact, I snarled and bit the paper, cursed and threw it on the floor and jumped up and down on it. Then I very calmly picked it up, wiped off my froth, and went and put it in my important paperwork.

 I give up. I could fight it again, set up a meeting, waste gas money driving forty miles back and forth both ways to the library to make copies of the stuff they always ask for and fax them because of my unreliable rural mail service that may or may not get them to where they need to go in time, but you know what, screw that. I'm tired and pissed off, and tired of being tired and pissed off all the time.  I just want to buy some g.d. food and pay the bills, too. Why are they making this so hard? I didn't get cancer and become broke cause I was after free money, stop punishing me.

Oh, and apparently because of complicated new rules regarding SNAP in Iowa,  I can no longer buy candy, pop, or energy drinks there. (That's not entirely new and I don't want energy drinks anyway. Bleh. Caffeinated chemical juice.) I can still buy a freakin chocolate bar with SNAP where i live, at least until October. (Yay, right around Halloween, the candy holiday. Red states sure hate poor kids, ironic, since there are so many of them here.) This wouldn't irritate me so much if I really thought it was because people in charge really gave a tinker's damn about rural health and were sincerely concerned. No, they just think all poor folks are lazy inbreds who don't deserve any small scraps of comfort, like store-bought birthday cakes, a gas-station pizza after a long day when you're too tired or sick to cook, or a flippin jolly rancher and some bubblegum in a trick-or-treat bag at Halloween. 

Jan. 5th, 2026 06:53 pm
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[personal profile] fox_in_me


📝 Оригинальный текст записи
Приветствую вас, дорогие читатели.

Сегодня будет история об одном далёком лете. Но сперва — несколько слов о настоящем.

Уже больше месяца я не читаю новости. Совсем. Ни городские, ни глобальные. За это время, по большому счёту, ничего не изменилось — кроме привычного роста цен на всё и уже ставших обыденными отключений электроэнергии.

Одно важное впечатление от поездки в горы: большая часть людей, которых я там видел, словно из другого мира. Не просто без войны — в их мире в целом всё хорошо. Есть деньги, свои заботы и проблемы, совершенно не связанные с тем, чем живут обычные люди.

Пока у меня есть отпуск, я хочу сделать несколько важных для себя вещей: сдать кровь в донорский центр, собрать одежду, которой не пользуюсь. В моём гардеробе сейчас больше военной формы, чем обычных вещей, но есть и то, что я уже никогда не надену. Лучше поделиться этим и освободить место — возможно, для чего-то нового.

Помимо того, что я всё чаще разговариваю со своими котами (и они, надо признать, всё охотнее отвечают), сегодня я буквально отдал им свой ужин. Я хотел приготовить что-то вроде шницеля, но без панировки — коты приняли за меня иное решение.

А теперь ближе к делу. Летняя ночная история.

В почти школьном возрасте каждое лето мы с разными компаниями молодых людей выбирались на неделю или меньше к морю, в курортную Затоку. Помню это, как сейчас: я за рулём своей первой машины, которую дал отец; нас пятеро парней; открытые окна, радио на полной громкости и дорога к морю. С собой — минимум вещей, зато много закуски и дешёвого алкоголя.

Затока стоит прямо на берегу моря. Коттеджи, старые советские базы отдыха — в одной из таких мы и поселились. Сейчас эта зона полностью закрыта для туристов: там почти никого нет, кроме нескольких местных жителей и сотен бродячих собак, живущих среди территорий, разрушенных ракетными ударами.

Тогда комфорт был неважен. Ни кондиционер, ни телевизор — только кровать и близость к морю, магазину и, конечно, ночным дискотекам, которыми славилось это место.

Вечером по приезде мы сразу отпраздновали заселение, встретили знакомых и ещё больше увеличили компанию. Проснулись лишь после обеда следующего дня — в самый солнцепёк. С головной болью и почти без сил поплелись на пляж. Большая компания молодых людей не выбивалась из общей картины — таких там было много. Все приезжие, из разных уголков Украины и других стран.

Так продолжалось несколько дней подряд. Это был конец лета: световой день заметно сокращался, и мы уходили с пляжа всё раньше — обгоревшие, уставшие, но довольные.

Конечно, в такие места ездят не только ради моря, но и ради курортных романов. Скажу сразу: из всех поездок всё заканчивалось одинаково — никаких «побед» ни у кого. Алкоголя было столько, что знакомиться на дискотеках было попросту некому, а в таком состоянии — и невозможно. Зато разговоров всегда было больше, чем действий.

Эта поездка не стала исключением. Более того, совершенно случайно она пришлась на мой день рождения. Я всегда куда-то уезжал в это время, и здесь это был идеальный повод — и совсем рядом.

Мой день рождения начался после полуночи. Мы праздновали компанией из десяти человек. Кто-то остался в домике — устал и не мог идти дальше. Это были последние дни перед отъездом. Я не хотел много пить — был за рулём, да и хотелось веселья, а не забвения.

Ближе к четырём утра, когда мы возвращались к домикам через центральную аллею, полную баров, музыки и дискотек, я увидел, как огромный мужчина тащит женщину за волосы, кричит на неё и явно собирается ударить. Мне это категорически не понравилось, и я решил вмешаться.

На моё замечание мужчина отреагировал — отпустил женщину. Но она не убежала, а осталась рядом, пока он кому-то звонил. Вскоре меня и мою компанию окружила толпа.

Скажу сразу: я не знал, что это был хозяин одного из заведений, который «воспитывал» свою проститутку. Мне просто стало её жаль. В итоге он её не тронул, но эти люди пользуются «уважением», и я его нарушил. А значит — нужно было принимать последствия.

Двое из нашей компании побежали будить остальных в домике, хотя это уже не имело значения. На центральной аллее стояли шесть человек, окружённые плотным кольцом, а вокруг — зеваки, просто смотрящие.

От меня потребовали извинений за вмешательство. Я отказался. Тогда сказали собрать тех, кто может постоять за себя, и готовиться к последствиям.

Минут через пятнадцать вокруг собралась большая толпа — людям хотелось зрелища. Те двое, что побежали в домик, так и не вернулись, позвонив и сказав, что остальных не будет. Мы остались одни.

Женщина, которую я хотел защитить, просто ушла. Я спросил, всё ли с ней в порядке, и услышал короткое: «Всё хорошо. Это не ваше дело». Я помню, как она исчезала в толпе, а кольцо вокруг нас становилось всё плотнее.

По счастливой случайности кто-то вызвал полицию. Ехала она долго. Мы около часа держались, не реагируя на провокации. Рассвет был уже близко, а людям всё ещё нужно было шоу.

В какой-то момент из толпы вышли двое крепких мужчин, подошли ко мне, спросили, что происходит. Узнав, они достали удостоверения народных депутатов. Но толпе было всё равно, кого бить. Им сказали убрать удостоверения — иначе они будут залиты кровью.

По странному стечению обстоятельств кто-то из них быстро позвонил в Киев. И только после этого наконец дали команду полиции приехать и развести всех по углам.

Добавлю от себя: с тех пор мало что изменилось. Многие проблемы у нас до сих пор решаются не по закону, а по знакомству и телефонному звонку.

В этой истории чудом никто не пострадал, хотя угрозы звучали вполне конкретные — «твоя голова будет как арбуз».

Мораль проста: меня не просили, я вмешался и мог серьёзно пострадать. Мне просто повезло. Никто и не собирался благодарить.

Иногда действительно стоит сначала спросить, нужна ли помощь, прежде чем вмешиваться.


Note translated in assistance with AI.
Today I want to tell a story about a distant summer. But first, a few words about the present.

For more than a month now, I haven’t been reading the news at all — neither local nor global. In essence, nothing has changed since then, except for the familiar rise in prices and the already routine power outages.

One strong impression from my trip to the mountains: most of the people I saw there seemed to come from another world. Not just a world without war — but a world where, overall, everything is fine. They have money, their own worries and problems, completely unrelated to the reality ordinary people live in.

While I still have my leave, I want to do a few important things for myself: donate blood, sort through clothes I no longer wear. My wardrobe now contains more military uniforms than civilian clothes, but there are things I will never wear again. It’s better to share them and make space — perhaps for something new.

Besides the fact that I talk more and more with my cats (and they increasingly respond in kind), today I literally gave them my dinner. I wanted to make something like a schnitzel, just without breading — the cats made a different decision for me.

Now to the point. A summer night story.

When I was almost school-aged, every summer we would go with different groups of young people to the sea, to the resort town of Zatoka, for a week or less. I remember it clearly: I was driving my first car, given to me by my father; five guys inside; windows open, radio blasting, heading toward the sea. We took very few вещей, but plenty of snacks and cheap alcohol.

Zatoka lies right on the seashore. Cottages, old Soviet holiday bases — we stayed at one of them. Today, this area is completely closed to tourists: almost no one is there except a few locals and hundreds of stray dogs living among territories destroyed by missile strikes.

Back then, comfort didn’t matter. No air conditioning, no television — just a bed and proximity to the sea, shops, and, of course, night discos, for which the place was famous.

On the evening of our arrival, we celebrated immediately, met some acquaintances, and expanded our group even more. We only woke up after noon the next day, right in the scorching sun. With headaches and barely any energy, we went to the beach. A large group of young people didn’t stand out — there were many like us, all visitors from different parts of Ukraine and other countries.

This went on for several days. It was the end of summer: daylight grew shorter, and we left the beach earlier and earlier — sunburned, exhausted, but satisfied.

Of course, people went there not only for the sea but also for resort romances. I’ll say in advance: all such trips ended the same way — no “victories” for anyone. There was so much alcohol that there was simply no one to meet at the discos, and in that state, it was impossible anyway. There were always more conversations than actions.

This trip was no exception. And, by coincidence, it fell on my birthday. I always escaped somewhere for it, and this time it was the perfect excuse — and very close to home.

My birthday began after midnight. We celebrated with a group of ten people. Some stayed behind in the house — too tired to continue. These were the last days before departure. I didn’t want to drink much — I was driving, and I wanted joy, not oblivion.

Closer to four in the morning, while walking back to our houses along the central alley filled with bars, music, and discos, I saw a huge man dragging a woman by the hair, shouting at her, clearly about to hit her. I didn’t like it at all, and I intervened.

After my remark, the man let her go. But she didn’t run away — she stayed nearby while he made a phone call. Soon my group and I were surrounded by a crowd.

I didn’t know then that he was the owner of one of the establishments, scolding his prostitute. I simply felt sorry for her. He didn’t hurt her, but these people command a certain “respect,” and I had violated it — which meant consequences.

Two of my friends ran to wake the others at the house, though it no longer mattered. Six of us stood on the central alley, surrounded by a tightening ring of people, while others simply watched.

They demanded that I apologize for interfering. I refused. Then they told us to gather anyone who could stand up for themselves and prepare for what would follow.

About fifteen minutes later, a large crowd had gathered — people wanted a spectacle. The two who ran never returned, calling to say the others wouldn’t come. We were on our own.

The woman I wanted to protect simply left. I asked if she was okay and heard a short reply: “I’m fine. It’s none of your business.” I remember her disappearing into the crowd as the circle around us grew tighter.

By sheer luck, someone had called the police. They took a long time to arrive. For about an hour, we held our ground, ignoring provocations. Dawn was near, and people still wanted entertainment.

At some point, two large men stepped out of the crowd, approached me, and asked what was happening. After hearing the story, they showed parliamentary IDs. But the crowd didn’t care who they beat. They were told to put the IDs away — or they would be covered in blood.

By another coincidence, one of them quickly called Kyiv. Only then did an order finally come for the police to arrive and disperse everyone.

I’ll add this: little has changed since then. Many problems here are still solved not by law, but by connections and phone calls.

Miraculously, no one was hurt, though the threats were very real.

The moral is simple: no one asked me to intervene. I did — and I could have been seriously hurt. I was just lucky. No one was going to thank me.

Sometimes it’s worth asking first whether help is needed before stepping in.

52/312: Lately

Jan. 4th, 2026 11:18 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Sunday afternoon I caught myself just in time to not go out to the mailbox and check for the mail that isn't delivered on Sunday. Had I not caught myself in time I probably wouldn't have been embarrassed by my foolishness, as I've grown accustomed to being a stupid old guy, but I'd have been pissed off at myself for wasting so much energy for nothing. That, after all, is what the Idernet is for.

All in all I did not enjoy Sunday. For one thing I slept poorly, and for another when I woke up I'd had a very weird dream and remembered it, which rarely happens, but then I forgot it later, which always happens. There was no more rain, but then there was no sun to speak of either, so it was dull and monotonous. I'd hoped to get some laundry done, but the laundry room was busy, so in the end all I got done was to empty the trash. Oh, and I did fix a decent dinner, but it was a bit too large and I overate, and now must pay for that, probably with a second night of poor sleep.

Rain is still scheduled for Monday, but Tuesday's has vanished from the forecast. Possible showers remain predicted for Wednesday, but after that there's a bunch of sunny but chilly days. I guess that's a good thing for anybody who got flooded by the storms, as things will dry out for the cleanup, but for the rest of us it's just a reminder of creeping drought. It's probably too soon to worry, but not terribly too soon.

Oh, drat, I nodded off and ran out of Sunday before I was done with it. Clearly, it was done with me. And time gets the last word, always. The word it's saying to me now is sleep.

Sunday Verse )

52/311: More Rain Due

Jan. 3rd, 2026 04:21 pm
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[personal profile] rejectomorph
Oh, I thought I'd done this, but I guess not. Despite a night of often furious storming, and a dark gray morning of nearly imperceptible dawn, Saturday brightened through the afternoon and left us with nearly dry pavement at sunset. I opened the blinds for about three hours of afternoon sunlight to warm the bed. The rain is predicted to return tonight, with more wind, and both Sunday and Monday are still expected to be very wet, but after next Tuesday the forecast is saying no more rain for at least ten days.

This is unfortunate, as the state is overall only at about half normal snowpack levels for this date, with the south in much better shape than the north. January through March is typically the snowiest season, but we need to get started on that accumulation soon. The next couple of days could add some welcome snow, but not enough to catch up to a typical season. The Pacific Northwest and the Rocky Mountain states are also suffering from scant snowfall this year. The problem is that this years rain has been coming from the tropics rather than the north Pacific. Being warmer, tropical storms bring lots of rain but are not cold enough to provide lasting snow. Given that this is a La Nina year, it probably won't get fixed. We could be in for two or three years of drought. It could get ugly.

Tonight's rain hasn't started yet, and I'll probably have to get to sleep before it does. If it's anything like last night though, I'm sure it will wake me up. But dammit, I'm sneezing and my nose has gotten runny again. I hope I didn't get a load of germs with my groceries. Infection is the last thing I need this time of year.
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