petalpicky |

i want my boyfriend.
he’s mad
but like a weird mad
i don’t knoe how to describe it properly
but it is my fault, I promise

i still hate it though. cause i csnt fix it. and i hate when he’s mad. and we’re both in pain but he’s in an angry pain and im in a sad pain
and we both love each other snd are therefore worried cause we wannabe okay
i need us to be okay

i love him
i want to call him but he’s mad
and if i ask he would cause hes sweet and here for me
but ye shouldnt have to

i want my boy.

song stuck in my head: lotta true crime - penelope scott

faceless_ghostz

https://open.spotify.com/track/1llY5gzWqdAjm1Hscr4kwn?si=92kBT5_VTfGTyBKHzXECiw&pi=LE8eXXvGQ62fN

song stuck in my head: mis - alex g

faceless_ghostz

My…boyfriends exes boyfriend followed me on here..?
Hiii !!! :3
I’ve posted about him before when I found his dw about how I don’t have anything against him and stuff and that still stands true
I don’t mind his existence at all
I took a quick peak at his page and he doesn’t seem to be doing awesome and iiii hate how quickly i care for people cuz IVE LITERALLY NEVER SPOKEN TO HIM and i already like feel bad and wish I could help
mr bf suggested i message him cuz u can message people on dw but like- i don’t wanna make him feel harassed in any way by me reaching out cause idk how he feels about me

its eeeeerie how similar we are.
We both like avengers, and green day, and ms peregrines home for peculiar children, and zd, and green day, and linkin park, and scream, AND SUPERNATURAL
dude I haven’t seen anyone talk about supernatural in YEARS me and my small tiktok collection of like 150 videos is all ive seen
its crazy to me
he seems really cool though ngl… i mean I knew that cause HE USED TO HAVE PINK AND GREEN HAIR and thats my color scheme THATS THE COLOR SCHEME I HAVE FOR MY FURSONA !!
shrug

anyways this was my solution instead of messaging bro cuz ahhh spooky but also i am curious so my dms are open(i think?) !!
:p

i miss my bf

faceless_ghostz

Started crying on the phone with him today!
He changed me. A lot. He had a lot of things he loved about me, but a lot he didn’t. So I fixed it. I appealed to his every will and whim and am now a different person.
But now I’m not the person he fell inlove with.
And he doesn’t like me as much.
He loves me. But not as much.
I can’t go back. I can barely remember how I was. I can’t get it back. I didn’t change for years. I matured but I was the exact same. And I changed. Mostly because of him, but a lot of other things changed a lot too.
I miss myself. I’m not me anymore.
I want it back.

I felt like me again with him. And her. And all the others. Getting a new fp brings it back. At least around them. I used to be like that to everyone, now I can only be like that to my designated golden person.
And they’re all gone.
And they aren’t coming back.
I know they aren’t.
Shes(he’s..) still here but SHE isn’t coming back. He keeps almost coming back! and then doesn’t. He only gives me attention if I outwardly flirt with him or am overly sexual. He only talks to me, only looks at me, if he’s getting something out of it. Thats the only reason he does anything, he openly told me that.
“What’d you get out of it when we were super close then?”
“sexual pleasure”
“how?”
“…”
Oh and wolfmans not coming back
like I want him to, I miss him, but if he comes back he’s gonna leave again and we both know that so no matter what he’s not coming back
and I cut onyx off, that wasn’t really a loss tho

I miss my favorite people.
I miss myself more.

viridian5

On the eve of what the media is promising will be a snowpocalypse, I offer you a few St. John's Cemetery shots from about a week ago when we had recent but less snow. The sky in them was very pretty. You can see the eight photos at my Flickr.

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It’s impossible to find snow boots at a brick and mortar store nearby, and my feet don’t let me pick something willynilly online. I’m facing this storm with breaking 30-year-old boots I have to stick plastic bags in and sneakers.

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I am so bored with Bleach: Thousand-Year Blood War. At this point, I feel like it's been going on forever without revealing much I actually want to know, like what Uryu's deal is (in the anime). It's been so long I barely care anymore. (The manga didn't take this long.) It looks pretty but that's not enough.

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I've been watching several videos from Captain Pikant, whom one commenter said was Bob Ross but with drum machines. I don't understand all the technical stuff involved but there's something so satisfying in how the different elements come together to gradually become the song you recognize. Also, it really makes you appreciate how much work goes into the music. The videos have a great aesthetic and moments of humor and are well edited, and the visualizer used gives the viewer an idea of the elements involved. Like, all the drum stuff in Michael Sembello's "Maniac" is, well, insane. At the end of each breakdown, they do an instrumental cover of the song.

So far, I've watched that, "Blue Monday," "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" (it turns out the typewriter type thing in their music video I didn't understand was a drum machine), "You Spin Me Round," a drum machine analysis of three Nine Inch Nails songs, and a similar analysis of three Depeche Mode songs.

There was a lot more cowbell in the '80s than I realized.

I really want a Beatbunny T-shirt.

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"The Bad Touch" but it’s a Cyberpunk Club Anthem

Current Mood: cold

faceless_ghostz

“ …Being back in the room where depression lives, it’s a sharp pain and an overwhelming numbness. I love her. Even in the room, I love her. But being loved takes work too. I don’t have it in me to be loved right now. “

a quote not a lyric but SHUT UP

song stuck in my head: ginny and georgia

faceless_ghostz

“ Everything you do, I'm obsessed with you
I don't mean to scare, but you're just so cute
Every move you make, you're fucking sweeter than a cake
I wanna cut you up and put you in my oven just to bake
And everything you say is like poetry
Wanna drop you in boiling water drink, you like chamomile tea
I'd love to wipe these other bitches out, so it's just you and me
I wanna hug you like a bunny, wanna sting you like a bee
Oh, oh, this shit is scaring me
The thought of caring for anyone makes me want to scream
Uh, oh, cavities digging deep
Don't wanna stick my fingers in this, or I'll start to bleed
It's sweet like saccharine
What I do to have you sitting here next to me
Looking at you makes me wanna gouge out my eyes
Bloody surprise
Like cherry pie, will you be mine?
Saccharine
Feeling kind of sick, vomit in my teeth
I don't want this responsibility
Sweet to the core, I want some more
(I love you)
I can hear your words breaking down my core
I think about you every day at least a hundred times or more
My dentist looked fucking disgusted
Fainted black out on the floor
Solicited of my cavities you caused 'cause I adore you
You make me afraid
Come closer, wait no, go away
Disgusted at the fact I care
Cut you the fuck off like dead hair
Saccharine
What I do to have you sitting here next to me
Looking at you, makes me wanna gouge out my eyes
Bloody surprise
Saccharine
Feeling kind of sick, vomit in my teeth
I don't want this responsibility
Sweet to the core
I need to hate you
Before it's too late
Before I crave you
So please go away
Just confiscate you
My teeth are in pain
I'm gonna break you
Before I can say
(I love you) “

song stuck in my head: Saccharine - Jazmin Bean

faceless_ghostz

I’m starting to want an actual name like NAME other than tog but Ian says if she names the voice in her head people will think shes faking DID

anyways we watched fight club for the first time ever last night thats cool asf
genuinely thought fight club would be about a fight club.. like like in a school or smth i was expecting the breakfast club but with fighting basically(coming from someone whose never seen the breakfast club)
it’s very artistic
we REALLY liked it
its the kind of thing to where we now are obsessing over it and wanna make it our whole personality but unfortunately since its SO mainstream and SO well known we’ll look like an edgelord if we try being like “yeah it really spoke to me!” cause like bro no tf it didn’t 💔🥀
we might see the bf today
i was gonna complain about the whole current situation but its a bad idea and would get Ian in a lot of trouble

my name is Calian you can call me Ian for short and if you hear someone call me a different name they’re the crazy one
i love the name Calian

We told our dad the other day that we love that name so much that genuinely the only thing stopping us from going by it is the fact that other people in our life are already used to our other preffered name

The other guy wants a name
Tog is a stupid fucking name

Ian wants attention, cried last night cause he was in pain and all of his friends weren’t talking to him and the few who were were being intentionally mean to him and mr bf was basically not really but basically refusing to comfort him
i don’t like them

Okay Tog out !!

viridian5

I got my panoramic X-ray of my teeth done, supposedly covered by my insurance. And was told that I should get braces or Invisalign! Because apparently my orthodontist in the late '80s should have made me wear a retainer nightly for the rest of my life instead of just a few years. That was a kick in the head. But I don't see anything like the degree of overbite I once had, I'm not in pain, and there's no way Medicaid would cover it so it's not happening.

Having gotten the X-rays it demanded, Medicaid decided not to cover the crowns my dentist wanted me to get, surprising no one except possibly my dentists. This is a reason why I didn't want to pay for those X-rays myself. So instead I got two fillings. Plus, another filling I needed, and did them all in one visit. Ow. The worst part was that anesthetic injection that felt like the needle went all the way into the jaw joint and the dentist had to physically hold me down for it.

I dyed my hair red again last week, from how I'd gotten tired of my roots' dark brown growth and how my hair needed two different types of hair care (virgin roots versus color-treated and somewhat dry length) and how I appreciate any color I can give myself during the bleak winter. It's currently a somewhat gothy dark auburn-y red with some brown. My silver hairs are already reestablishing themselves, so shame on you, L'Oréal Paris, shame.

Current Mood: tired

viridian5

It took me forever to get through it, though the back half is easier to get into a flow reading it than the front.

With this book I ordered from the library, I didn't know it had "a novel" on the cover until I received it. And it has the kind of bs I associate with books that have "a novel" on the cover. This is why I prefer genre fiction.

( spoilers )

Current Mood: cold

saltbreeze

mile time has gotten better. 16:36 last night, and 16:44 the day before. bass has been treating me well. still just playing the tabs
of the same song but i played with some of the knobs on my amp and now i can make sure my tech is really really good.
been planning out this new photography project i want to start. my canon ae-1 program came in the mail; just need to buy film and all the things needed to develop it. i already have a solid darkroom to access, i'd just need to set it up. ah, and i need photographic paper and random objects for my photo/luminograms. learned new techniques for digital photography. i am so excited to break out of the traditional form of perfection, sharpness, and into the deep feeling and sentimentality.
reading has taken a slight hit; i still do so daily, but the quality of my entanglements of it has gone down. just a matter of time management i guess.
i also feel as if... people are the most interesting thing in my life. and that has made social interactions much more fun.

diet has fucking SUCKED i slammed an insane amount of buffalo wild wings last night and i still have leftovers in the fridge but i DID just buy
a ton of protein bars and yogurtg and chicken breast so once that ten piece garlic buffalo and nashville hot magically disappear we'll be back on it.
it used to be the other way around; i could restrict to 1200 like a bitch on edtwt but you'd have to put a gun to my head to get me to do anything physical. right now my maintenance cals are like 2000 (god, i know!) and i'm trying to get it down to 1800 consistently before i move down any further because i'm not a fucking idiot who expects fast results anymore.

healthy relationship with pot achieved (a nonexistent one) crazy how once you get rid of dead weight and focus on all that you want everything else fades into the blur. doing a podcast on media and livestreaming later this week (GET TO SKIP CLASS WITH THE GOATED ASST. PRINCIPAL!!). writing a letter right now. going to finish my spanish literature work, and finalize my class list.

i think photography and writing have really become my life. god.... and so have people. i love people.

Current Mood: excited
Current Location: desk
song stuck in my head: bermondsey bosom (left) - king krule

faceless_ghostz

someday you gotta accept that I will get attention from SOMEONE no matter what
whether it’s my friends, my family, pedos on the internet that I don’t know, or pedos on the internet that I know far too well.
I’ll talk to someone.
For all the…3 people who check my dreamwidth that I told about what happened dw I’m not going back I’m just…pointing it out i guess

faceless_ghostz

“ What's with these homies who be dissin' my boy?
Do they know I'm aggravated with the negativity and the noise?
They tell me "find a wealthy man, " but they don't seem too happy
I was afraid to put myself on the line for a boy
'Til he put me in my place and showed me how to enjoy myself
I think I need your help, I think she's coming back
You're the only one who's making me come
To my sinful senses
I'll never love anyone the same
I'll never feel ashamed of using you for pleasure
Am I naïve to think that he could be the love of my life?
There is a voice inside my head that's tellin' me that it's right
I never thought I'd tell him how scared I am of losing him
You're the only one who's making me come
To my sinful senses
I'll never love anyone the same
I'll never feel ashamed of using you for pleasure
Someday we'll both be older
I wonder if we'll be together looking back on the past
But I don't care if I don't live to see another day oh
I love you in the worst way
I love you and I hate you and I'm losing my mind
And you tell me all the time that this will pass and that I'm gonna be fine
We're such a mess together, you make me lose my temper
You're the only one who's making me come
To my sinful senses
I'll never love anyone the same
I'll never feel ashamed of using you for pleasure
You're the only one who's making me come
To my sinful senses
I'll never love anyone the same
I'll never feel ashamed of using you for pleasure
Of using you for pleasure
Of using you for pleasure “

song stuck in my head: Using You - Mars Argo

saltbreeze

illness has gotten worse. took the day off.
yesterda y i did nothing... today all i can stomach is reading.
i hate this feeling. i want ot get up and do things. my habits... my jabits!!!

Current Mood: sick
Current Location: bed
song stuck in my head: radio

petalpicky

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January 2026

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Style Credit

Base style: Brittle by sforzinda
Theme: Rust by sforzinda

petal picky

strangle me with my cardiovascular system

…

Randommm-ishh?

I’m a piece of clay!! If you want me to change I will! But you have to destroy me to put me back.

I wanna hug you like an animal

Even in the room, I love her(him)

dnsbwksbl

Tog rambles

Things That Have Recently Happened

The Phoenix Pencil Company by Allison King

everything is so unserious i'm cryinggg

i deleted telegram and now nobody talks to me but my bf

I love you and I hate you and I’m losing my mind

fuckk

page summary

tags

January 2026

Style Credit