be my honeypie

Well, things haven't been so well. At all. In fact, I really feel like I'm falling apart.

I'm very overwhelmed with studying. I often sit in front of my books and just stare, like I just can't will what I am reading to translate into something I can understand. Tom is worried about me, and worried that at this pace I will never get an SAT score that will be worth anything. Being in the SAT course makes me feel awful - I feel like the dunce of the class, and I have this flashback to junior high and high school - when they would pass around the tests and I'd fold mine quickly and hide it, ashamed of my grade. I did the same thing in class yesterday. It didn't feel good.
I also don't talk to anyone there. I know this makes me a real snob but I don't see anyone worth talking to there (occasional small talk, but never a real conversation). That also makes me feel crap. It's like I'm separated from myself when I do anything that has to do with studying - this course, my three courses in the Open U... even my Spanish language course! I felt stupid all the time and I didn't connect to anyone at all. It seems I put up a barrier before I even start. Maybe I'm rejecting it before I inevitably fuck it up.

I started my free therapy. I left the last session (on Sunday) feeling so frustrated. I have too much fucking backstory. I want to talk about my frustrations and indecision right now, I want to talk about me and Tom, and instead I'm shlepping through this swamp of crappy parents and sibling drama and dysfunctional relationships. I mean to say something about my sister Iris coming back this week, about the tears I'm holding back a lot and not being able to verbalize how scared and alone I feel, but I mention something about my family and suddenly I need to explain how my dad is usually nice to people but a nightmare to his sister and how I was the one who took her suicide call and how apathic we all were and then whoops, times up.

I know it takes a while to establish a base sometimes, but I feel like maybe I should quit the therapy thing now because there is such a fucking lot of back story that it will take us the whole year's worth of meetings just to get through it all. And I've already dealt with my parents sucking when I was younger, and I don't want to deal with my Aunt's unhappiness because I have enough filling up my head as it is. In my meeting on Sunday I poured it out, talking a mile a minute, and still get cut off because the time is up. And because of extra psychometric lesson next week, I can't go on Sunday - so I'll only see her in two weeks. And I was just so frustrated! Two weeks to walk around with this heavy, scary load of things on my mind and when I get there, I'll probably still get stuck on things from the past and not get around to the things that are going on right now. Maybe if I quit therapy, at least I won't be bringing so many emotionally heavy things to the surface and then struggling to deal with what's going on with me day to day AND what went down with me and my sister O months ago, for example.

I had a horrible day on Sunday, I couldn't concentrate on shit and nothing made me feel better. I wasted my time and then when Tom came home I felt guilty about it and guilty for bringing him down. He's so worried and he doesn't know what to do and I know he's not going to be stay and be my emotional crutch, he needs me to be a functioning person. I was out of sorts yesterday as well - went to my course, barely said three words while I was there, came home and distracted myself (didn't study). Tomer came back from work wrecked - it's his last week at his job with the really crappy management, and on the first of January he's moving to a different company, something that could not happen soon enough judging by his being dissapointed and out of sorts. I think some of that is work and some of that is in reaction to me.
Also, I've been on medication treating a (different) infection so we haven't had a normal sex life in weeks. There's this distance that grows when you're both moody and you can't have sex and in the evenings he's not in the mood to talk because his day sucked and you're not in the mood to talk because you're disappointed with how you haven't studied and you're scared/worried/overwhelmed and you can't tell him about it because he's already worried about you and doesn't know what to do. That distance doesn't help anything. It just makes us feel strained.

On the bright side, it's been 5 days since the dog wrecked the house while we were out and we were so frustrated that I brought up not keeping the dog. Even though I've always dissaproved of people who did that, we were walking and pissed off with his misbehaving all the time and I told him, I'm not signing up for 15 years of not being happy with it. Having a dog in the family is supposed to being joy and comfort, not the other way around, and commitment will only go so far. He said we'll keep trying, he's not fed up completely he's just - not enjoying any of it. I got the number for a trainer to call, but it helps that Zaphod hasn't destroyed anything since, or barked to wake us up at 3 am and such. It's still increased the amount of tension in the house. If I could, I'd go back and warn myself not to get a dog right now, to focus on our relationship and things that will help, not hinder it.

I've had terrible focus lately, so it's taken me a while to write this update. Right now it's 11:15 am - I've walked the dog and eaten breakfast and spent some time on the internet - now I'm going to try and study, and hope that my concentration will have improved a bit by me pouring my heart out here. I've felt suffocated by all the things I'm thinking about and feeling. I hate not being able to speak freely with Tom but I know he's doing his best and I need to cut him some slack.

This is just a bad time and it's going to get better.

I wonder at what point does looking at other people's excersize-driven makeovers do I turn into a weirdo? I was sitting here and trying to work on my math/geometry that I am really behind on for my Psychometric course, and I found myself giving in and opening another youtube video where someone shows their progress on Jillian Michaels 90 day program. I guess I just really want to feel like I am getting one thing right? I'm not much good at math, I am a very high maintenance girlfriend, I don't really know how everything is going to work out, but look at me - at least I have killer abs!

Well, I mean, not yet. But if I keep it up. Even though my studies should be a much higher priority right now, it's hard for me to focus on schoolwork and easier somehow to sweat and feel my heart try to give out after only 2(!) minute cardio drills. I know the cardio thing is what gives it away, that my health isn't where I want it to be.

Me and Tomer are okay now. He's supporting me though both the school work (he helps me translate words I don't understand, or if I get stuck on a math proof) and with the exercising, which we both agree we need to do a little more. I'm trying to picture this summer, when my little sister is visiting, we'll be doing more outdoor stuff - like a hardcore hiking trail, or bike trips, and just generally push myself outside of my comfort zone. Also, I've only worn my bikini once, in Greece, and I think I owe it to myself to wear it more often and go to the beach, which I enjoy but never actually initiate. Well, this summer I should both wear the bikini and bike to the beach!


I haven't really written about my course here. It's boring. It is really hard for me to sit still, especially the first period of the day which is an hour and a half without a break. The last 30 minutes of that period I just feel my muscles knotting up and I start doodling on my notebook, waiting to escape to the hallway and stretch my neck/arms/back.
But our instructor says that studying right doesn't just come to you - you have to work at it. You have to get used to studying in the morning, you have to get used to studying two or three hours without break. You have to get better at memorizing because there is not such thing as a "bad memory". You have to do the work at home, and there is hours and hours of it (which is why I'm so behind).

I know that if I do it, these studying skills are going to help me out the rest of my life. So I'm trying. Not very successfully, but I do realize that this is really, really important. I want to do it.

I haven't really talked to any of the people yet. I'm not as sullen and standoffish as I was in the first lesson, but it just hasn't happened yet. The guy I sit next to never talks to me. I dunno. My friends are preoccupied with their new relationship and wallowing in the old relationship, respectively. I tried to make plans with Lim (so we can meet once in a few weeks, seems fair enough for "best" friends) and she's all "yes, we should totally meet! kiss! youtube videos!" on facebook but when it comes to actually making plans with me, nothing. I asked her about Friday, when neither of us has class. "I don't know.. hair appointment... I'm tired.. so much studying... I don't know, I'll have to see..."
Tomer asked me why I'm even surprised, since she doesn't have a very good track record as a friend. I told him I just don't understand her excuses - I'm busy too, I'm stressed and I have a fuckload of things to study... But I make time to see my friends. It keeps me happy and it keeps our friendship in good form. He said that he understands I see it that way, but people do what is best for them and Lim will, as is her habit, want to make plans when it suits her and not the other way around. She sees nothing wrong with seeing a "best" friend once in a couple months - I see it as making the transition to "casual" friend, whom I put less trust in because she's simply not around for all that goes on with me. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that.


it's three pm - taking out the dog, coming back, studying another hour, exercise, shower, more studying. Tom is going to help me with my Geometry tonight.

Today was the first day of the SAT course. I sat there mostly sullenly, didn't speak much with the other kids. Our teacher said that people who are optimistic are better at beating this test, because they aren't as daunted by the prospects of failing.

I'm off to a terrific start, then. :/

Today, for the first time in weeks, I completed a workout. It half killed me while I was doing it, and I had to modify some parts because I simply couldn't keep my arms lifted with weights or I was breathing too hard to keep going, but I did it. I haven't been able to do that for a while. As usual, after I DO push myself to work out and I GET IT DONE, I feel good. It's not that my body is looking bad, it's just how it feels to me when I get winded so fast or feel tired more than I should. The video is part of a 30 day program, which I am not promising to do - I can't even manage to post here every day, or do anything else for 30 days at a time - but I will try, because it's rough and maybe getting through it will make me feel more powerful.

My SAT-psychometric course starts in 2 days (Monday morning). I've barely done any of the prep work, let alone covered all of those math topics that everyone knows from middle/high school and I never bothered to learn. I'm apprehensive. But I was told that it picks up intensity while you're in the course, and you meet people, and I'm hoping some of that enthusiasm will rub off on me as well. I'm supposed to get some studying done today.

Yesterday instead of studying in the evening, I took Zaphod to the nearest dog park - it's a 40 minute walk, but it was worth it to see how happy he was! I could let him off the leash without worrying, there is nothing unhealthy for him to eat there and he's the friendliest dog, so I know he'll get along with everyone we meet. My problems with setting him loose is that he eats shit off the ground, and he doesn't come when I call him. Problems solved. The area is quite large, he ran happily around with several other dogs while I sat on a bench and chatted with the old ladies sitting there. Some creepy old guy started chatting me up at some point, but besides that we spent almost hour there, and Zaphod came to me when I was ready to go, he was happy and tired. The 40 minute walk home was smooth and he listened very well to "sit, come, don't pull". I was really pleased.
Apparently it's very happening there at 8-10 am on Saturdays as well, but I was a bit tired this morning after a stressful night on Thursday. We took a regular walk this morning, and we'll stop by the dog park tomorrow evening before my first day of studying on Monday.

Strange how fighting my way through a workout and not giving up makes me feel slightly more optimistic.

Nothing much to say. I'm lonely. I wish I had more people in my life. I wish I had drive.


I disappoint myself.

I'm stressing out. There have been missiles falling near the Gaza strip for days - in Sderot, Be'er Sheva, Ashquelon - the usual places that get bombed by terrorists in Gaza. There are already over a dozen dead and more than 130 injured on both sides. It is so sad, and so pointless. No one "wins" by Israel bombing Gaza because Gaza bombed Israeli civilians because they want liberation because Israel keeps them confined because....

it never ends. Until people strong enough on both sides not only sign a peace treaty, but actually entreat their citizens to do the same. I know that for every hothead Israeli/Gaza-ist there are a hundred people who only want peace and don't care about settlements and ancient grudges. There was an alarm in Tel Aviv half an hour ago, where most of my friends live. There was a missile that fell in Rishon, half an hour from where my estranged family lives. I am stressed. And scared. I sat here without noticing that it was dark and my feet had started to freeze. How many people are sitting at home scared to death? Those people in the south of Israel have has missiles falling several times an hour - the alarms sound every few minutes. No school, no work, not being able to safely leave the house  - who can bear it?

My boyfriend got called back to reserve duty immediately this morning. I am thankful that he isn't going where the missiles are, but I wish he was here to be comforting and hold me while I sleep.

I don't want someone to be "right" here, I just want this to stop - war is bad for all of us. How many more will die or be wounded before we once again hit a shaky truce?

:( 

My dog looks so beautiful laying in the sun, just sleepy and wanting to be petted. I'm reminding myself that I shouldn't get worked up like I did yesterday - he got a bit aggressive when we gave him flea drops, and he chewed up one of my books when left alone in the house, and he's taken to eating stuff in the streets when we're walking... and also barking at night until one of us gets up to quiet him - and I get dissapointed and worked up and really, I need to learn to let things go more easily. This is part of the deal, right? And I'm the one who wanted it most of all. So he's not perfect, and we're both learning, and at home when we're just hanging out it feels really nice. And the weather is fluxuating between wet and stormy, and sunny weather with a cool breeze. I've been lucky, we've been able to take walks in between the crazy rains and haven't yet had to walk when its pouring outside. Zaphod is relaxed when its just the two of us around the house - he is still barking when he hears the neighbors on our floor, but he's content to hang during the day while I study or be on the computer, etc, and I'm glad.

This morning I watched The Help again. It's the 4th or 5th time. I know I shouldn't watch a movie after breakfast, but should study instead - I can't even manage half an hour a day, and my course starts in a couple weeks. But I crave comfort. Tomer says I give in to comfort too much - that we all want comfort, but sometimes we have to push through things that are plain not fun. And he's right. Shouldn't I be studying and also getting a job? It's not fun, but it's needed.

I probably won't get that bookstore job. I checked in with them and they said they aren't looking to hire students, even in such a capacity as I am studying. So... I should really get something else. I am sick and tired of my own laziness, I need to break my own cycle.

The daylight hours when I'm home alone and you can't really call and chat with anyone because they are all at work... those are so lonely. I know all I do is complain lately, and even Tomer is sick of that... I just need to make myself proud, just enough to enjoy my time again. I'm going to try and study this afternoon, and not cook/read/pet the dog/straighten out the bedroom/write emails/work in my garden/buy groceries, even though all those options are just waiting around for me. I need to do the "not fun" and feel proud of myself for accomplishing it.

It makes me happier when the sun is out. Storms makes me sad. I hope my spring seedlings are liking the rain-and-then-shine routine.

Feeling that nameless empty today. That feeling when you're with people, but you're lonely? That you feel like you miss them when they are right next to you? 

Getting stuff done feels like a chore.

is anyone even reading this?






i know i only gave the link to a handful of people, but i kind of think of this journal as helping me stay in touch with you, and let you know how i'm doing and what's in my head..... in a way that i can't on facebook and am not usually patient enough to email.

please say you're reading this.

I have found out if I don't post something in the moments I am thinking about it, it can take several days or a week until I get around to it. I guess that's why people use facebook so much... you type a few lines in the moment, most people can do it from their cellphone, and then promply move on to other things going on. I meant to post on Thursday, on my birthday - and it's been stressful and action packed since, so I don't know if to go into details of the bad stuff or the good.

On my birthday, I was mostly stressed - everything that had to do with my family made me stressed - my dad, my two sisters not realizing that their non-heartfelt interactions don't make me feel better but worse, my emotionally stunted brother, etc. My brother called not to say happy birthday but because he wanted to tell me for the third time that my mom wants to contact me now that she's in Israel. I told him angrily that I don't understand why I have to keep repeating myself when I say that I don't see why I should give her my number and meet her for coffee and act like things are okay. Forget the abusive things my mom did to me, and to my siblings while we were growing up. I haven't lived with her in 11 years. That is my past. But my mom is actively being awful to my youngest sister, only just 18, and doing things that go from manipulative to simply horrible, no good human being. How can my brother look past that?? It's not like our past, that we've mostly moved on from... this is horrible stuff happening like, every day! I hate that he thinks I'm the bad guy for not letting my mother into my safe little world, when I have very good reasons to protect myself from her. She doesn't get to have me pretend we're buddies and things are fine.

Besides my family getting me stressed out, we didn't do anything too major... Tom took the day off to keep me company, and keep me from having a breakdown and crying alone at home like last year. I am grateful to him, especially since I wasn't much fun to be around, being a little moody and just.. stressed. I shouldn't be like that around him. One day it could drive him to his breaking point and he will leave, if I don't take better care of myself.

Friday noon-ish we said we'll go to the Tel Aviv animal shelter/adoption place and look at dogs, something we've been talking about a lot after deciding a couple weeks ago that yes, we are going to do this. The experience wasn't a good one - the shelter was an awful place, loud and dirty and dark cramped cages from which the animals get released once a day, if they are lucky. There was poop on the kennel floor because the dogs hadn't been taken out that day... or days?? When we explained to the woman who coordinates adoptions what we were looking for (no specifics as to what breed or which sex - only not too large for an apartment, not a puppy so we can potty train fast, and preferably one who gets along with other dogs and kids as well). Well, the first dog she brought out to us is the one we chose! He is blond and medium-small sized, his ears flap a bit and he's the friendliest things.... we walked him around the compound and he was really happy to be out.. he let us pet him (no serious trust issues) and even though I didn't feel like I fell in love, me and Tom both agreed that he seems sweet and comfortable and would be a good choice. I almost immediately started having second thoughts - I've been looking at so many dogs in need of foster homes and adoption and there are so many kinds that suddenly I was anxious that we had made the wrong choice... what about my dream of having a black mixed-Labrador? or a very floppy eared mongrel? Tom held my hand and told me its okay to be anxious, its a new experience and we're taking a chance on it and we're in it together.

Even so, my freak-out lasted a good few hours. We went out and bought dog food, a leash, and a few other necessities and all the while I was fretful. 
Dudes, we're picking him up tonight! I'm leaving in an hour! I'm so fucking nervous!!

I know it takes a backseat to the dog story, so I'll keep it short - yesterday was my no big fuss birthday party... which of course I still fussed over. I was very stressed over baking for the party, and my first attempt flopped and I was really, really upset even though its just a damn batch of cupcakes, and I was in the kitchen for hours and that can sometimes make me irritable and I was disappointed my friends couldn't make it early... but the party was unexpectedly very moving. There was a very small crowd of friends, the conversation flowed and we laughed a lot... everyone was very happy with the 2nd of my baking endeavors (vanilla bean cupcakes + very rich frosting, if you were interested). And then one of my friends proposed each of the people present will wish me something for my birthday - and we were all laughing around so I was sure it would be quite silly, but the first friend to talk was just really sweet and sincere and profound, so the rest followed her lead, and I was really touched to hear so many nice, kind things - I wasn't expecting to hear them at all, and it was wonderful... and Tom gave a loving, supportive, lovely birthday toast and I was smiling so much my face hurt. He is amazing. I can't tell what I wished on as I blew out my birthday candle, but it does have to do with him and me.

Now, I'm going to go buy a dog bed or a pillow and then go pick up the doggie! Pictures to come.