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OTL

I don't think I should be allowed to function after dark.

I bought an Item, but picked the type of delivery that the seller doesn't use... So I canceled the transaction, and now I can't re-buy it again because a "bought" item vanishes off the listings and the seller's page, and I'll get my money back in a whole WEEK. I'm an idiot! It's so upsetting! All because I wanted to save an equivalent of half a dollar! Aaaaaaagh!

EDIT: IT HAS BEEN SOLVED. BIG SIGH

I said I'd paint, and so painting I tried, but as usual -- it's as if I was trying for the first time. Today I forgot that you probably ought to wait for the paint to dry before starting with something that you don't want to melt into the background, and a whole half of a tree just. Swoosh. Did melt. I managed to salvage it somehow, but (-_-);

I mean, I simply got too immersed/focused on following the tutorial/painting again that I missed a basic but less fun thing; I'm not a master, I don't do it everyday, it's not that tragic of a mistake overall. But making it, as well as looking at the difference between the tutorial and what I got, made me think that if I tried to paint every day, or at least Quite Often Whatever It Means, I would've been at Some Level of watercolor skills. Some Level as opposed to Always Beginner. It's so frustrating. I keep up a hobby for a while, and then find some other thing to capture my attention, and I remember about the first hobby eventually, but... by that time, by skills have managed to atrophy again. I forget everything. And even if I haven't forgot, even when I want to practice, I have no energy/brain power/spoons/whatever it is.

And of course usually I go "oh hey, I sure would practice if I had (object)! That would motivate me to work on it properly!". This time I'm thinking about those etchr lab 100% cotton watercolor sketchbooks, except they come in bundles of three (the size I want goes for ~90 US dollars, ouch). I guess I could try to get it for myself for Christmas, but... I can totally see myself not wanting to use the sketchbooks because of how pretty and expensive they were. I felt the same about my Arches paper (another christmas present); I got over it, but now the fact that the sheets are loose once I cut them off the block is incredibly irritating for me. On the other hand -- what if I do use the sketchbook, but fill it with pointless, bad quality stuff that doesn't deserve to be there? What if (insert every possible catastrophe)?! Yeah, I feel like I know why I'm an eternal beginner. ://

Don't get me started on paints. I still haven't figured out a Good palette, because every artist I follow uses a different one and they all look convincing. Should I get a deep cold red or something more magenta? Should I try again with a warm yellow, and if yes, what do I pick? Is quin gold yellow, or is it as yellow as the Permanent Yellow, that is: not at all? Do you understand what ails me now

I’m losing my mind, because i got myself a permanent yellow (py139) from Roman Szmal, tempted by its gorgeous warm yellow tones, and. I’m not sure why i didn’t notice, or pay more mind to it, but it’s orange. Like... slightly cooler, but still orange the fruit orange. In all photos, including mine WHICH IS INSANE it looks orangey at its deepest, and beautifully warm-yellowy when its watered down. But it’s orange at it’s deepest, and orange when it’s watered down.

My warm yellow search continues! But how am I going to find a warm yellow when... gestures helplessly

What’s even more insane is that when Jane Blundell swatched Roman Szmal’s permanent yellow (py139) it looked like this

using this site in a cool and collected way attempt no. 45767