The Mandelbear's Musings

Recently I was asked the question, "what do you do that makes you happy?" I found it surprisingly hard to answer at the time. I realized that many of the things I like to do are things that require concentration. They make me focus my attention on the activity, and leave no room for emotions or thoughts about emotions. They're very calming, and often involve a light trance.

Reading is the best example: when I'm reading, the rest of the world goes away. I go away, leaving little besides a calm point of view. Programming and writing are other examples. So are singing and listening to music. So, most of the time, is conversation: I'm focussed either on the person I'm with, which is similar to reading, or on what I'm going to say next, which is more like writing. (This may explain in part why I'm easily derailed when I'm talking or about to talk -- I'm much more distractable when I'm writing than when I'm reading. It's also probably why I get distracted while I'm singing.)

Notice the pattern? These are all verbal. I may get a great sense of satisfaction after I do them, if I do it well, but I don't feel much while I'm in the moment, in the activity.

Over the last week or so I've been realizing that there's another category of things I can do, that do make me happy while I'm doing them. The best example is hugging. Lately I've not only been hugging more people and hugging more tightly, I've been noticing that I'm enjoying it. That's major.

I've also noticed that I enjoy other kinds of contact: cuddling and holding hands. Sex not so much; it seems to involve more concentration and a certain amount of anxiety. The silences in a deep conversation. I'm comfortable with silence, if the other person is.

Walking and driving are oddities: they leave me enough mental space for a conversation. So if I'm walking or driving with someone beside me, I'll be happy when we're together but not talking, and will have a split focus while one of us is talking. I think this is the only kind of multitasking I've ever been capable of. When I'm by myself, I may notice I'm happy, but only if I'm not doing anything verbal like thinking or listening to music. I turn the radio off in the car these days, and don't use an MP3 player.

I discovered last night that noodling on the guitar falls into this category. It does make me happy if I'm not singing or trying to learn the chords of a song, and I can even carry on a conversation to about the same extent that I can in the car.

There are undoubtedly other things in this category: doing the dishes, cooking, woodworking, puttering about the house. I need to find something quiet and portable that I can do in my lap. Doodling works, I remember. Probably so would drawing, if I put in the months of practice it would take to get barely adequate at it.