Martzin

Shyness is my major handicap. It's been a source of problems in my social life, my academic pursuits, my family relationships. How does it work? What makes it go wrong and steals the words from me?

I can be fairly articulate when I think through things on my own. I'm almost always thinking in problem solving mode: how do physics/ecology/maths represent this, model this, predict this? How do I model this interaction, how do I modularise the model, how do I grow a program to run it for me? How do I learn more about this, what will the results look like, how shall I express a query, who or what shall I ask? What is it that I don't know, how will I find my way, what are the related notions, how will I call this? …and other fun scientist/programmer/librarian type inquiries.

When talking in a group, if there's a debate going on, that kind of thinking still comes moderately useful. If there isn't, I'll be at a loss. I can still frame the conversation as a problem - what kind of life experience I have had most closely resembles the topic at hand, and what aspect will I highlight to make a smooth transition - but I'll be slow. Sometimes I'll be ignored. Sometimes I'll try too hard.

Often I care not just about what I'll say, I care about how it will come across. How will I be polite. How will I avoid directly contradicting them. I'm slower, but at least one on one conversations give me more time to find the words.

The worst are the totally open-ended situations. When I know I'd like to share, ask, receive, discover something about the other person, but can find no way to get there.

This is why I love theatre/drama. It gives me a frame. It gives me freedom to express emotions, to be mean, to be witty, to be desperate, to be tender. I get to know a character; then I get to be them. I wont be very good at it (don't emote well, need to keep my voice raised), but I'll enjoy it, get appreciation and have fun. This is why I hate improv. It's open ended, I have to come up with what happens, be responsible for the lameness of it. Mostly I'll be outmaneuvered by an ally who thinks better on his feet (jackass).

Mostly I think I need to remove those filters that prevent me from releasing the words. I need to accept I'll be a bit stupid, wrong, mean, or incoherent. I need to interrupt people more, because I'm not fast enough to fill the gaps. be a more assertive asshole sometimes.

That still doesn't help me with those blank pages, the dreaded moments of long silence, a curse and an opportunity.

(yeah, feedback is welcome)