In many ways, my life is going better now than it ever has in some objective sense. I have more and closer IRL friendships than I ever have, I have social plans on most days now, I recently accepted an offer for a new job with a 50% raise that will involve more interesting work, I have my own place and am financially independent, I’ve been exercising regularly for the first time in my life and have lost 20 pounds, and I have significantly reduced my social anxiety. 

And yet, I often feel a lack of meaning in my life. Everything feels good in the moment, but when I come home and I’m alone I often feel this deep emptiness. Occasionally I break down crying when I’m alone. Everything feels transient, and I feel like I lack purpose. I go to work to make money to pay rent so I can engage in hobbies with friends and then do the same thing over and over until I die. 

I suppose the one area where my life is (arguably) worse is my romantic life. I broke with with my long term partner nine months ago. It was mutual and really was necessary, but it was deeply sad. I invested so much in that relationship, it really was where I found most of my meaning in life, and yet I feel like what I got in return was a series of experiences that left me feel neglected, misunderstood, or even traumatized. My partner was *not* abusive, rather she had real mental health problems that caused her to not always be the best partner to me. For example, withdrawing when I was upset or trying to assert a need, or having depression so bad I had to essentially be her emotional caretaker for years. 

But I feel like a breakup might lead to sadness or anger, but not a sense of meaninglessness. And not for so long, and not for so many things outside of dating and relationships. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but I don’t know where to go from here. I’d rather be alive and have a meaningless existence than not alive, but that’s a low bar. 

And again, the bizarre thing is I’m doing everything right, and I am having lots of positive experiences. But they don’t add up to a sense of purpose or meaning. 

I’ve looked into getting involved in volunteering, religion, and effective altruism, but the prospect of doing so doesn’t make me feel any different. I just feel indifference to them, a deeply felt knowing that they’ll disappoint.

I’ve also looked into new hobbies, but it’s the same feeling every time.

I feel like I invested so much in my former relationship and I don’t have that kind of meaningful emotional investment left in me anymore.