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I haven't really written in a couple of months. One would think, that working from home, I'd have plenty of time to set aside and scribble some entries but that has clearly not been the case.  So yeah ... we were officially sent to 'work from home' back in late March/early April (truthfully, it feels like it was 100 years ago, so I can't remember exact months). It happened shortly before the first death in Connecticut of COVID-19. Which by the way, is just scary as fuck and I don't really like to think about it and enjoy living in my little bubble called home.

Work
That said ... The first month of working from home was absolutely awful. I always thought I would be that person that LOVED working from home (and I do now so going back is going to suck ass) ... but that first month was really rough. I think it was mostly due to them constantly throwing more and more things on my plate when I already had a billion and one things to do and doing them remotely had a harder twist that took some getting used to. That, and I think because we were 'home' they probably thought people were going to slack off and not work (hence why we also track each hour in the day and what we worked on now--yeah fun times). If you cannot trust your employees, maybe it's time to get new employees, not bury them under 'busy' work so not a single minute a day is wasted on a break. I swear to you, I worked harder that first month at home than a couple of months put together this past year.

Anyway, by that second month, I was in a flow and things were slowly becoming more easily accomplished at home. They loosened the knot a little around our necks and I guess FINALLY began to trust that hey... we really ARE working even from the comfort of our homes.  May was a hot mess again because we decided to do a virtual graduation (which was fine because it's nice to celebrate the accomplishments of those who have worked really hard the last 2-3 years to complete their degrees) ... but since they laid off the chick who usually runs graduation, I got roped in to do a LOT more with two other people... so it was a hell month for the three of us (plus still sticking to our daily duties/projects that came up, etc). yeah... May sucked.

Thankfully, these past 2ish weeks things have calmed WAY down, so I can work on some smaller projects that weren't a 'needs to get done now' type of thing (type of minutes, clean up duplicates upon duplicates of eFiles, etc).

We're having a meeting next week and they'll be discussing a 'phased return to work' plan. Since I'm high risk, I'll probably be one of the last people heading back into work. Personally, I think they should hold off another week or two ... with all that is going on in the world and quarantine rules being broken all over the world (and for good reason--Black Lives DO fucking Matter!) ...I have a feeling there's going to be a resurgence of COVID and that's just really awful ... because more people are going to die and that's never a 'good' or 'positive' thing ... ever. It's just an awful mess that the world is in right now man ... but I can't get into a political/social rant right now because this post would be 400000000 pages long.

Leaving The Job?
That all said ... I've been contemplating leaving this job. I've been working here a LONG ASS TIME ... (14+ years), and I have loved what I do and the people (yes, I've had my fair share of drama, issues with folks, and stress/anxiety/anger at situations...but what job is ever free of that?). Lately though, with upper management changes, and with the new 'head' guy, we've all be under laser point pressure. It just gets to a point where the stress is so bad, you cannot sleep at night, can't think clearly during the day, and lose all general desire to TRY SO HARD already... when it's still 'never enough' in this person's eyes.  So yeah ... I've been working on a resume (first time in freaking 16 years damn) ... and I've been poking around on job sites. With the economy the way it is atm though, this is the worst time for this and so I really feel stuck between a rock and an even bigger/thicker rock.

I have days, where I just want to type up my two-week-notice and shove it into their mailboxes and take a year or two off working ...but then I don't want to deplete my savings. Other days, I tell myself to put on my damn big girl panties and suck it the fuck up because other places will be bad too and probably 100x worse. Lately, the latter has been the theme (but that's because I found out I'm going back to reporting directly to someone I really like--so hoping I'll have very little involvement with the other dood).  That, and this economy right now is legitimate shit. I could take a $10/hr pay cut and go work in customer service if I'm really desperate enough (all that's offered atm) ... or I can plug away and just do the best that I can each and every day, and if some douche still thinks it's not enough, then I'll never please that person and it just shouldn't matter (because I work damn fucking hard).

Family
 Amalia is the most precious, wonderful, beautiful, little trouble-maker in my life. She has made the loss of my dad a little easier to bear ... with her laughs and smiles and omg the girl loves to DANCE. She also loves to climb stuff (the number of times we go up and down the stairs when we watch her is my workout for the month). We have so many photos and videos of her and my phone memory is hating me for keeping 90% of them on it ... Maybe I'll post a couple this weekend especially since I have some pretty funny ones saved.

We're watching her on Thursday which will be a little difficult considering I'm also working and she loves computers, so my mom will have to watch her for a bulk of the time and I'll take little breaks here and there to check-in/watch her.

Mom's eye surgery went well, thankfully. She does say one of her eyes still feels a little off but she can't describe what she means by 'off' so there's that. She does have 20/20 again so that's a plus other than the 'off' ... again not sure what it is.

Both brothers and Trisha have been working from home too, so for the last couple of weeks we've finally been getting together once or twice to hang out. As an introvert, I never thought of myself as someone who would miss social interaction but I really have. I think I'm one of those introverts where its on 'my time' and even after a few weeks of solitude I still desire social interactions... so it's been great. Especially since we didn't see Amalia for three months so at first she was like who are these people but she quickly remembered (by the like 4th visit she didn't JUST want to be in momma's lap).

Gaming
I've been playing a lot more 'solo' games and solo play in Warcraft (ironic considering what I just wrote above). I've been binge playing SIMS4 and building a bunch of stuff and uploading them to the Gallary. If anyone actually plays the game and feels like checking them out, the ID is: iMarSeeYa. You'll clearly note my earlier work versus stuff I've made recently lol.

Also started a new game of Surviving Mars -- there are some expacs out for it, buuuuut... with my job uncertainty in my head I am trying hard not to spend any unnecessary money. If I feel confident enough to stay put, then maybe I'll buy them.

And in Warcraft, I've been taking advantage of the experience buff (100%), and leveling a bunch of toons, especially three for my final three professions for the big meta achieve that I'm still missing. I have a feeling with the crunch coming in Shadowlands, those achievements MAY become legacy in some way, so I'd like to get them done and over with ASAP. This is actually what's kept me busy the last couple of weeks with a smattering of SIMS4. If the Legion expansion professions weren't such a pain in the damn ass to max out (involves quest after quest, dungeons, and in some cases raids for recipes to max out professions--most annoying expansion for professions but awesome for everything else)...I would have been done with this a month or so ago! oiii.

Wrap-up
So yeah ... Pandemic, riots/protests, killer bees, locusts ... I mean you turn on the news and it's just one awful thing after another and to someone like me ... it really feels like the world is building up to a boiling point, and it's just all so very scary that it's really feeling like "The end is nigh..."

I want to just curl into the fetal position, throw the covers over my head, and hope it all calms the hell down soon but that's not very grown-up is it? If my immune system wasn't so damn compromised and eff'd up, I'd be out there in the streets with everyone. I've done what I can from home (donated, sighed petitions, made signs for friends, etc)... I still feel so very helpless and worried that once things 'calm down' NOTHING will actually change and the Black community will continue to suffer on for more and more generations ...and it breaks my heart to be so pessimistic, but humanity has given me no reason (especially these last 4 years), to think otherwise.

I dunno ... it's all just absolutely the worst possible (understatement of the year) 'hot mess' of a year. I pray peace can be achieved, that we can begin to all look to one another as equal HUMANE beings, that we can work together to build a society our future generations can be proud of and build upon ... I hope this is the time for these changes and they actually DO happen... I really do.

Really didn't want to end on a crap note, but considering the world is in the literal shitter ... I guess it's appropriate.