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All right. I’ve pretty much disappeared from the internet lately, and I’ve been feeling really guilty for it. Even though you’re all spread across the world and most of us only interact when it comes to pretendy funtimes, you’re all an important part of my life and it’s not fair of me to just withdraw completely.
I’ve been really overwhelmed lately. There’s a lot going on and when I do have a moment alone to myself I don’t feel like interacting with anyone. I’m an introvert and when I’m spending so much time with other people, my alone time is precious to me. Feeling as though there are people depending on me even during those moments I have to myself has been really stressing me out. That, and I’ve been spending a significant amount of my free time with my boyfriend. But anyway, since I’ve got this shiny new Dreamwidth account that I haven’t ever used I might as well tell the whole story. Starting from the very beginning, since the last time I updated any journal was…shit. December of 2010. Well let’s not start that far back.
Last October I started dating this guy, Dave, who I met on eHarmony. My parents had purchased me the account for my 25th birthday in May, and he was only the second guy that I actually met in person. We had a crazy amount of things in common, including the fact that we both did a cappella in college. He went to college to be a music teacher and was teaching at a high school while we were together. He was very talented at music technically, but I think he resented the fact that I sing better than him. After we were together for about two months I told him I loved him and he withdrew. A week later he broke up with me. It hurt, because I really had felt as though I was in love with him, but from the way he reacted to it I wasn’t really surprised that he ended it.
Something like a week after that I went out to a bar that’s just down the road with my sister. I had already deleted Dave from my facebook along with all of his friends and it wasn’t too hard to let him go, but I was still pretty bummed about getting dumped, so Cori (my sister) was trying to cheer me up. We met up with Cori’s friend Christina, a hostess at the restaurant where Cori waitresses, who was there with her boyfriend Nevada, who had brought one of his best friends, Matt. I didn’t pay too much attention to Matt at first, because I’m shy and am awkward meeting new people, particularly in public, but a little later in the evening he invited all of us back to his house to smoke and I was all over that because weed calms my nerves so much better than alcohol does. So we went to his house and I met some of his friends and we smoked and talked a little bit and I was definitely interested in him. He was funny, he played guitar ridiculously well, he was tall… I never dare hope that any guy is interested in me because I always just feel so awkward and am really afraid of rejection so I didn’t really say anything that night, but I definitely remembered him.
A few days later I got a call from Christina and she said that Matt had been asking about me and would it be all right if she gave him my number? We didn’t end up hanging out until a week or two later, though, on December 23. Cori and Christina brought Nevada and Matt over to our house and Matt and I spent the whole night talking and cuddling and eventually kissing and then we almost hooked up but he wanted to wait because he was serious about this. About me. We started officially dating on January 5th.
He’s really a great guy. He’s kind and friendly and generous and he tells me multiple times every day that he loves me. Actually, he told me that he loved me less than a week into our relationship. That both terrified and delighted me, and still does, but right now I’m just as in love with him as he says he is with me. We spend a lot of time together and I never get sick of him. We hardly ever fight. But the first two months of our relationship there was a lot more going on than I knew.
He’s a really insecure guy, his father left them when he was only six, his mother is very cold and distant, and his older sister is temperamental and angry. He apologizes for everything from mentioning that he’s upset that he has work early in the morning more than once to coughing or sneezing. And there were some times during those first two months that he did some things that I really didn’t like, but I chalked them up to him being stressed out because of work. He was clearly suffering from depression that he wasn’t being treated for. I tried to be there for him the best that I could, but I felt rather helpless.
Then, at the end of February, he called me one Thursday morning crying. He couldn’t stop during the entirety of our conversation, and basically he told me that he couldn’t see me that day and that he was feeling really depressed and other than that, all he would tell me was that it had nothing to do with me. A few hours later I got a text message from him telling me that he was going to the hospital.
I didn’t hear from him for another 48 hours. The only reasons I could think of that he would have had to go to the hospital was that he either was having really bad anxiety attacks and couldn’t breathe or something, or that he was feeling suicidal. Since it had been so long and I hadn’t heard anything, suicidal seemed more and more likely. He called me on Saturday and told me that he was going to be hospitalized for awhile longer and that they’d put him on antidepressants and that him calling me then was the first opportunity he’d had to call. He still didn’t tell me anything about why he was there, but again, suicidal seemed most likely.
His friends started texting and calling me, asking me what was going on. I really didn’t know what to tell them, since I didn’t know what was going on and because he’d told me not to tell anyone that he was in the hospital. One of his friends asked me if it had anything to do with drugs. That he’d been hospitalized before and that it was depression, yes, but that wasn’t all. He’d told me that he had a problem with Adderall when he was in college, but having spent nearly every day with him for the last few months, I was fairly certain that I would know if he was doing drugs.
But that was really naïve of me. He was in the hospital for a week and when he came back he started talking about how he was quitting drinking, which at first didn’t seem like all that big of a deal to me because I’d barely seen him drink at all over the last two months, and about how he wanted to be healthier, to get in shape, to get a better job, go back to college, and that he wanted to do all of these things for me. All wonderful things, but he still hadn’t told me what prompted him to go to the hospital, and all of it was really stressing me out. That week he was gone I was going crazy. Not knowing what was going on my mind went to all the worst places. A few days after he got back he took a pill that he told me was supposed to make him sick if he drank any alcohol. As sort of a deterrent against drinking. Again, that seemed a little strange to me because as far as I knew he wasn’t drinking all that much, but I really didn’t know how to ask him about all these things, partly because I was afraid of the answers. So he took the pill and maybe half an hour later was violently ill. Like pulled a few muscles violent. He couldn’t keep anything down for about 24 hours, and eventually he was so dehydrated that he decided that he wanted to go to the Emergency Room, so they could at least give him some IV fluids or something.
As we were pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, he started to get really emotional and asked me if I knew why he’d gone to the hospital in the first place. I said that I didn’t but that I’d had some ideas, still thinking that he’d tried to kill himself or something. But no. He told me that he was addicted to Percocet, and really drinking a lot more than I had any idea of. That the week he was away he was in rehab. I felt like a complete idiot, for not knowing, for not wanting to know, for believing that I really knew him. I’ve had a really hard time swallowing all of this. I feel as though the first two months of our relationship are tainted. That he was drunk and on drugs during all those important formative moments in our relationship and I was completely unaware. We ended up waiting in the ER waiting room for over an hour, and by then he had been able to keep some Gatorade down so we left.
Since then we’ve both been working on opening up to one another about things, but it’s hard. Sometimes he’ll say something about his addiction or drinking and it will shake me up for awhile. One day he told me that it was really nice not to wake up hung over every morning when I had been so sure that he wasn’t drinking very much at all. He’d been sneaking nips, and I found some empty ones under the couch, from before he went away, recently. That freaked me out. One day he said that he’d been positive that one day he’d get a DUI before he quit drinking and that scared the shit out of me. That he was probably driving me around drunk that whole two months and I had absolutely no clue. I really don’t know what to do with all of these feelings, because I don’t want to make him feel bad for things that he was doing while he was on drugs now that he’s not, and I don’t know that him knowing that he hurt me will make either of us feel any better, but it’s still something that churns my gut. I’ve been having a lot of stomachaches lately.
Things between the two of us are really good right now, he’s been keeping his word and not drinking at all, and as far as I know he hasn’t done any drugs other than smoking weed since he got back either. But there is a part of me that doesn’t trust him, because he hid it from me so well before. I think he’s clean and sober, but I’m not sure. He has been working out a lot more and talking a lot about getting a new job and going back to school, even if I haven’t seen him do anything about it yet. I don’t know, I feel like we’re in a sort of limbo right now. He’s still recovering, obviously, but I worry that we’ll just get comfortable with things being like this and not move forward. And we need to.
Anyway. Other than that I have class, which has been stressing me out a lot. I missed the last two because I’ve been so frazzled and stressed out and I hate that I missed them. It’s the same kind of thing that made me fail that last semester of my senior year of college. I procrastinate because I just don’t want to deal with all of the things that I have to do, and then the pile up and it just snowballs and gets worse and worse. I’ve been having the hardest time finding my Adderall, with either every pharmacy being out of the dosage I need, or the one that does have it not taking my insurance, or they need to call my insurance company to make sure they accept the change from the regular Adderall to the extended release, and then my new dosage was too high so I had to go back and adjust it…it really sucks that finding a drug that’s supposed to help me get things done is so very hard to track down, but at least for this month I’ve got the right dosage of the extended release and now I have no excuses. I actually have class today, I’ve got about an hour and fifteen minutes until I need to leave. I don’t know that I’m fully prepared for class today, but I have to just do what I can and hope that I’m still passing this class.
On top of all of that, I’m also in rehearsals for a musical that’s going up April 13. We have rehearsals almost every night this week, and I’ve never had such a big part in a show before so I’m starting to really panic about making sure that I have all my lines down and that I can sing my song and do the choreography at the same time. I’m confident when it comes to the singing in the show, but I really don’t consider myself an actress, and I have quite a bit of stage fright when it comes to performing my lines. I get notes on my monologues nearly every night, how I need to be louder and talk slower and work on my inflection. My dad and I are going to work on it together (he and my mom are both in the show as well), so that will help a lot, but I’m still really nervous about looking stupid on stage in front of everyone I know. Because obviously I’m inviting everyone I know. Most of you are too far away to come, but if anyone’s interested in coming to see it, let me know!
And…I guess that’s the short version of everything going on. I’m super stressed and overwhelmed and trying to sort through a lot of things. I really am trying to get online more, though. I miss playing Lily something fierce and I know that there are a lot of fun things going on in the RP world. I love you all and I miss you. <3
I’ve been really overwhelmed lately. There’s a lot going on and when I do have a moment alone to myself I don’t feel like interacting with anyone. I’m an introvert and when I’m spending so much time with other people, my alone time is precious to me. Feeling as though there are people depending on me even during those moments I have to myself has been really stressing me out. That, and I’ve been spending a significant amount of my free time with my boyfriend. But anyway, since I’ve got this shiny new Dreamwidth account that I haven’t ever used I might as well tell the whole story. Starting from the very beginning, since the last time I updated any journal was…shit. December of 2010. Well let’s not start that far back.
Last October I started dating this guy, Dave, who I met on eHarmony. My parents had purchased me the account for my 25th birthday in May, and he was only the second guy that I actually met in person. We had a crazy amount of things in common, including the fact that we both did a cappella in college. He went to college to be a music teacher and was teaching at a high school while we were together. He was very talented at music technically, but I think he resented the fact that I sing better than him. After we were together for about two months I told him I loved him and he withdrew. A week later he broke up with me. It hurt, because I really had felt as though I was in love with him, but from the way he reacted to it I wasn’t really surprised that he ended it.
Something like a week after that I went out to a bar that’s just down the road with my sister. I had already deleted Dave from my facebook along with all of his friends and it wasn’t too hard to let him go, but I was still pretty bummed about getting dumped, so Cori (my sister) was trying to cheer me up. We met up with Cori’s friend Christina, a hostess at the restaurant where Cori waitresses, who was there with her boyfriend Nevada, who had brought one of his best friends, Matt. I didn’t pay too much attention to Matt at first, because I’m shy and am awkward meeting new people, particularly in public, but a little later in the evening he invited all of us back to his house to smoke and I was all over that because weed calms my nerves so much better than alcohol does. So we went to his house and I met some of his friends and we smoked and talked a little bit and I was definitely interested in him. He was funny, he played guitar ridiculously well, he was tall… I never dare hope that any guy is interested in me because I always just feel so awkward and am really afraid of rejection so I didn’t really say anything that night, but I definitely remembered him.
A few days later I got a call from Christina and she said that Matt had been asking about me and would it be all right if she gave him my number? We didn’t end up hanging out until a week or two later, though, on December 23. Cori and Christina brought Nevada and Matt over to our house and Matt and I spent the whole night talking and cuddling and eventually kissing and then we almost hooked up but he wanted to wait because he was serious about this. About me. We started officially dating on January 5th.
He’s really a great guy. He’s kind and friendly and generous and he tells me multiple times every day that he loves me. Actually, he told me that he loved me less than a week into our relationship. That both terrified and delighted me, and still does, but right now I’m just as in love with him as he says he is with me. We spend a lot of time together and I never get sick of him. We hardly ever fight. But the first two months of our relationship there was a lot more going on than I knew.
He’s a really insecure guy, his father left them when he was only six, his mother is very cold and distant, and his older sister is temperamental and angry. He apologizes for everything from mentioning that he’s upset that he has work early in the morning more than once to coughing or sneezing. And there were some times during those first two months that he did some things that I really didn’t like, but I chalked them up to him being stressed out because of work. He was clearly suffering from depression that he wasn’t being treated for. I tried to be there for him the best that I could, but I felt rather helpless.
Then, at the end of February, he called me one Thursday morning crying. He couldn’t stop during the entirety of our conversation, and basically he told me that he couldn’t see me that day and that he was feeling really depressed and other than that, all he would tell me was that it had nothing to do with me. A few hours later I got a text message from him telling me that he was going to the hospital.
I didn’t hear from him for another 48 hours. The only reasons I could think of that he would have had to go to the hospital was that he either was having really bad anxiety attacks and couldn’t breathe or something, or that he was feeling suicidal. Since it had been so long and I hadn’t heard anything, suicidal seemed more and more likely. He called me on Saturday and told me that he was going to be hospitalized for awhile longer and that they’d put him on antidepressants and that him calling me then was the first opportunity he’d had to call. He still didn’t tell me anything about why he was there, but again, suicidal seemed most likely.
His friends started texting and calling me, asking me what was going on. I really didn’t know what to tell them, since I didn’t know what was going on and because he’d told me not to tell anyone that he was in the hospital. One of his friends asked me if it had anything to do with drugs. That he’d been hospitalized before and that it was depression, yes, but that wasn’t all. He’d told me that he had a problem with Adderall when he was in college, but having spent nearly every day with him for the last few months, I was fairly certain that I would know if he was doing drugs.
But that was really naïve of me. He was in the hospital for a week and when he came back he started talking about how he was quitting drinking, which at first didn’t seem like all that big of a deal to me because I’d barely seen him drink at all over the last two months, and about how he wanted to be healthier, to get in shape, to get a better job, go back to college, and that he wanted to do all of these things for me. All wonderful things, but he still hadn’t told me what prompted him to go to the hospital, and all of it was really stressing me out. That week he was gone I was going crazy. Not knowing what was going on my mind went to all the worst places. A few days after he got back he took a pill that he told me was supposed to make him sick if he drank any alcohol. As sort of a deterrent against drinking. Again, that seemed a little strange to me because as far as I knew he wasn’t drinking all that much, but I really didn’t know how to ask him about all these things, partly because I was afraid of the answers. So he took the pill and maybe half an hour later was violently ill. Like pulled a few muscles violent. He couldn’t keep anything down for about 24 hours, and eventually he was so dehydrated that he decided that he wanted to go to the Emergency Room, so they could at least give him some IV fluids or something.
As we were pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, he started to get really emotional and asked me if I knew why he’d gone to the hospital in the first place. I said that I didn’t but that I’d had some ideas, still thinking that he’d tried to kill himself or something. But no. He told me that he was addicted to Percocet, and really drinking a lot more than I had any idea of. That the week he was away he was in rehab. I felt like a complete idiot, for not knowing, for not wanting to know, for believing that I really knew him. I’ve had a really hard time swallowing all of this. I feel as though the first two months of our relationship are tainted. That he was drunk and on drugs during all those important formative moments in our relationship and I was completely unaware. We ended up waiting in the ER waiting room for over an hour, and by then he had been able to keep some Gatorade down so we left.
Since then we’ve both been working on opening up to one another about things, but it’s hard. Sometimes he’ll say something about his addiction or drinking and it will shake me up for awhile. One day he told me that it was really nice not to wake up hung over every morning when I had been so sure that he wasn’t drinking very much at all. He’d been sneaking nips, and I found some empty ones under the couch, from before he went away, recently. That freaked me out. One day he said that he’d been positive that one day he’d get a DUI before he quit drinking and that scared the shit out of me. That he was probably driving me around drunk that whole two months and I had absolutely no clue. I really don’t know what to do with all of these feelings, because I don’t want to make him feel bad for things that he was doing while he was on drugs now that he’s not, and I don’t know that him knowing that he hurt me will make either of us feel any better, but it’s still something that churns my gut. I’ve been having a lot of stomachaches lately.
Things between the two of us are really good right now, he’s been keeping his word and not drinking at all, and as far as I know he hasn’t done any drugs other than smoking weed since he got back either. But there is a part of me that doesn’t trust him, because he hid it from me so well before. I think he’s clean and sober, but I’m not sure. He has been working out a lot more and talking a lot about getting a new job and going back to school, even if I haven’t seen him do anything about it yet. I don’t know, I feel like we’re in a sort of limbo right now. He’s still recovering, obviously, but I worry that we’ll just get comfortable with things being like this and not move forward. And we need to.
Anyway. Other than that I have class, which has been stressing me out a lot. I missed the last two because I’ve been so frazzled and stressed out and I hate that I missed them. It’s the same kind of thing that made me fail that last semester of my senior year of college. I procrastinate because I just don’t want to deal with all of the things that I have to do, and then the pile up and it just snowballs and gets worse and worse. I’ve been having the hardest time finding my Adderall, with either every pharmacy being out of the dosage I need, or the one that does have it not taking my insurance, or they need to call my insurance company to make sure they accept the change from the regular Adderall to the extended release, and then my new dosage was too high so I had to go back and adjust it…it really sucks that finding a drug that’s supposed to help me get things done is so very hard to track down, but at least for this month I’ve got the right dosage of the extended release and now I have no excuses. I actually have class today, I’ve got about an hour and fifteen minutes until I need to leave. I don’t know that I’m fully prepared for class today, but I have to just do what I can and hope that I’m still passing this class.
On top of all of that, I’m also in rehearsals for a musical that’s going up April 13. We have rehearsals almost every night this week, and I’ve never had such a big part in a show before so I’m starting to really panic about making sure that I have all my lines down and that I can sing my song and do the choreography at the same time. I’m confident when it comes to the singing in the show, but I really don’t consider myself an actress, and I have quite a bit of stage fright when it comes to performing my lines. I get notes on my monologues nearly every night, how I need to be louder and talk slower and work on my inflection. My dad and I are going to work on it together (he and my mom are both in the show as well), so that will help a lot, but I’m still really nervous about looking stupid on stage in front of everyone I know. Because obviously I’m inviting everyone I know. Most of you are too far away to come, but if anyone’s interested in coming to see it, let me know!
And…I guess that’s the short version of everything going on. I’m super stressed and overwhelmed and trying to sort through a lot of things. I really am trying to get online more, though. I miss playing Lily something fierce and I know that there are a lot of fun things going on in the RP world. I love you all and I miss you. <3
