is it alright if i call your name?

made a new blog for reasons i shant disclose but if you want it lmk i will follow you ok ?

14.11.22
10

epros:
hey guys do you remember when i first got into milgram and made a crazy post about haruka?

im about to ramble a bit because i dont feel like making something more in depth but remember when in that post i talked about how my first impression of the girl hes with as a child was not his sister 9or friend???) but his idealized self?

well i decided afterwards that both of those things can be true and the release of “all knowing all-agony” solidified that for me

hey. dont walk away. let me explain. (deckard cain voice) stay a while and listen…

its obvious that harukas relationship with his parents (particularly his mother) is very fraught. they clearly dont care for him. when they have a daughter who is “normal” (not an effeminate ‘son’ who is developing differently than other children) (because haruka is autistic) (if you get it you get it) they stop pretending to care about haruka and focus on the daughter instead and haruka is like what the fuck 😐…

haruka killed her for 2 reasons: 1. because he was sick of being neglected by their parents who favored her, particularly their mother because idk the dad has to be absent or a serial killer considering haruka didnt even attempt to latch onto him for approval in the absence of his mothers love (dad does not want a girly “son” even if said son will join the serial killer business) (i cannot explain this further at the moment but it makes sense if youre me or tshirt) (to be brief the fact haruka had been previous validated for killing someone/something and thinks killing Again will totally earn more love and validation is so strange and makes no sense even in the context of if the death was because of his parents taxidermy hobby because theres a stark difference in killing an animal and killing a person and most taxidermied animals are already dead not killed For The Sake Of Taxidermy in this the year of 2022 so someone is a serial killer) and 2. because he was like well there can only be one girl here and youre a REAL girl which is not fair . But if youre gone i will be the girl again. #win

the fact all knowing all agony starts with lines like “why was i born like this / why does it hurt so much?” and “you kept calling me ‘hopeless’, you never called me by my name / you were always comparing me to someone else / you were always generous, except towards me / i will definitely make you love me again” and him going into his mothers(?) jewelry drawer and taking a necklace (that might have been his sisters 🤨✍????) is like. there is something happening here.

the insistence that “i wasnt wrong, i wasnt wrong” (which was also present weakness) during the chorus, along with pleas for someone to “hug me again as you once did” and “dont leave me alone, dont leave me” and, like the beginning of the song, “why was i born like this? why does it hurt so much?” just makes the soup in my brain start bubbling

the real meat of what im trying to talk about comes from lines like “i just wanted to be your good boy. why am i crying again?” and “i will keep on killing to be a good boy”. near the end we also get “why was i born to be me? why does it hurt so much?” like, his mother only validated him when he was a “boy”, and he was killing. apparently. but doing this is painful for him. existing as a boy and also killing people(?) (things?) for attention isnt something haruka particularly wants to do but its what gets the attention he needs. i havent forgotten that in weakness he asked “how many more times do i have to do this so i can be human?” implying if he does not kill he is not human enough. but also his mother was clearly distraught at the end of the video when haruka was on a pile of animal corpses (which was an awesome visual just btw) theres something going on

anyway the point im winding to is haruka is a girl actually and maybe her dad is a serial killer (who knows) her mom sucked and maybe she killed her sister out of frustration and neglect and also because she wanted to steal her gender (but haruka was a girl before her sister came into the picture make no mistake she did not decide to become a girl because her sister got more attention and love than she did. but it did prove to her in her mind that oh well if im a girl then 🤨… like do you get it?)
tshirt put it thusly after we watched all knowing all agony: “i’m just like. narrativizing this in my head like “oh and haruka self consciously models himself after specific women in order to gain their approval and also disavow the femininity as emerging intrinsically from him– btw also his dad is killing people” which i think sums up what im trying to say because ive just kind of been on a stream of consciousness ramble because i fell asleep thinking about harukaisms last night

truly i cant get over the repetition of lines like “why was i born like this why does it hurt so much” “i wanted to be your good boy / why am i crying again” like im sorry but there is something so gender about taking on the habits of the women around you and being agonized by the fact you are not physically like them and crying over being a boy but wanting to be a boy because its what you “are” and the only thing your parents will see you as and they are the only source of love and validation you have in your life even though they are not validating or loving you and resent you the more you try to gain their affections. LIKE MAKE IT MAKE SENSE ?

also i think its really funny if harukas dad IS a serial killer because we have someone like kotoko who is gungho for vigilante justice so much so she beat the shit out of an 11 year old cult survivor (i wont forgive milgram fandom for voting amane guilty btw) and mikoto who is so stressed by familial responsibility and work that he started disassociating and beat a guy to death with a baseball bat and also shidou botched surgeries for reasons currently unclear (finger paresthesia? moving a loved one up on the organ donor list? both?) and its just like. haruka with the actual lucid serial killer dad. who also kills people because she feels like she has to. i dont know its just really funny to think about…

(theres also futas whole thing and kazuis and yunos but they arent killers. probably. futa wasnt a willfully malicious murderer he just accidentally doxxed a woman alongside the guy who was sexually harassing her and social pressure drove her to suicide. kazui is a closeted gay man with a wife who may or may not have killed herself. i wrote a whole thing about it remember? and yuno had an abortion. which like, is against the law, especially if she didnt have the ‘fathers’ consent to do it, and depending on the method of abortion. mahiru has something going on idfk if shes a stalker or what. and then theres haruka and muu. muu is so funny spoiled rich lesbian schoolgirl who is feeling super validated that her murder was justified because she was being bullied and now she has haruka to yank around. falling back on her old ojou-sama hobbies. good for her)

milgram is so funny…. anyway tl;dr i do think haruka displayed girl power when she murdered her sister(?) and whoever or whatever else she might have killed for attention and voting her innocent/forgiven is the best option (because its the funniest option for her future development)
🤨
Q. 1: Do you like yourself?
A: I’d say I like my current version of myself.
Q. 6: What is a father to you?
A. He’s not that interested in me, I guess.
Q. 13: What is the difference between you and someone else?
A: Everything. Every single thing is wrong.
Q. 20: Did you hate the person you killed?
A: I wonder…I think I was envious of them.

🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨