Hi again, back because I have nobody to talk to.
I was diagnosed with autism, I highly doubt the accuracy of my results. It might partially because I have a distorted view of autism and neurodivergent people; I can admit that, I am a product of the culture. I wish I was never assessed, it made me feel even more alienated. Whatever, I can deal with all of that later. At the moment I don't care about it.
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My ex (the one I got with in Fiji), I didn't tell you why I broke up with him. It was because I never liked him, but on our plane ride back he told me he had generated AI porn of me so presented that as the reason I wanted to break up. Even if I liked him I would've broken up with him after hearing that. I was pissed off and somehow not surprised. Our mutual friend stayed neutral throughout the situation, telling me that he seemed sorry and apologised and apparently that was sufficient enough. I blocked both of them and will never speak to them again. Fuck you both.
Remaining on the topic of exes, my first ex reached out to me while I was at work. I broke up with him four years ago because the relationship was moving too fast, a codependency was building and we were both way too immature for what we were trying to get out of the relationship. He messaged me apologising for how the relationship ended, assuming he had hurt me (despite me communicating to him during our break up that I was ending things because we had moved too fast and we were both too young do be doing what we were trying to do). I told him that I felt no resentment and anything he may had done was forgiven years ago. We are back to being friends again.
We had been friends since we were six, we were very close. After the break up I never heard from him again, directly or indirectly through friends or social media posts. He didn't have the most stable life, so yes, I was worried. When he messaged me I was so happy to hear from him. I think my feelings for him never left because they've resurfaced again like a volcanic eruption. I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual, just based off the way he messages me. I doubt that anything will be done with these feelings. I don't know how a round two would end.
He's a good man and I miss him a lot.
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My sessions with my psychologists haven't done much. Whenever I try to bring up different problems I feel like the sessions are steered towards problems that the more general population has. Like when I tried suggesting my low self esteem and bad emotional regulation are the products for being in a toxic school environment for a decade she (my psychologist) pushed the conversation towards my parents- specifically my mum. Obviously they have played their part in cultivating my current mental state, but I know that my school environment was the main source. So that's how most sessions go.
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Almost 5 weeks into university, studying psychology, not art. Everyone was surprised. I have talent and skills, but no passion. That's no artist.
University, so far, was not as bad as I had thought it would be. The friends I made I can tell will be temporary, the friendships will last maybe a year before we become acquaintances. Nothing wrong with that, but to have a good, solid, lasting friendship with another girl would be nice. Its something that comes so naturally to other girls.
It really just feels like an exaggerated high school. I'd say I am content.?
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Every time I open up to my parents I always regret it. After being diagnosed with autism I asked my mum how she felt about it, she had nothing to say. When I asked my dad he said that I seemed to be fine and that it didn't seem to affect me. For some reason that upset me. I know he doesn't know anything about autism, not to say I'm an expert, but considering he suggested that Elon Musk saluted because he was autistic says a lot.
I later asked mum about the diagnosis again. She started talking about how I never acted like the severely autistic boys at her work (she's a childcare worker) and so that there was no way for her to know. I got upset and told her its called a spectrum for a reason and that autism doesn't always look the same in girls. I told her about how I didn't even recognise I was being bullied when I was a kid because it wasn't direct and I couldn't pick up on the subtleties of the situation. She then got upset and started talking about how she felt like she had failed me as a mother. I got even more upset at that.
My sister just turns the whole thing into a joke, which I don't know why, but usually I'm fine with it. I can tell she knows more about autism than my parents. That might be why. Sometimes it gets annoying though.
When my mum was talking to me about my PCOS she mentioned that I should take supplements. I told her that's fine, but she then suggested that it could improve my autism. Obviously this pissed me off. I told her herbs wont change the condition of a neurodevelopment disorder. I was laughing the entire time I was explaining this to her. I was so agitated.
This shit is so lonely, I wish I was never diagnosed.
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Two or so days ago my mum said that the reason I eat so much might be because there's worm in my stomach. Its already been established that I suffer (yes, suffer not 'have', I hate this) from binge eating disorder. So of course this upset me. I really don't understand how hard it is to think before you speak.
About my eating disorder, it hasn't gotten better. I actually think its getting worse. I have no idea what to do, I rely on it to keep me afloat since I'm self harm free.
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