Dark Heroine

* Transferring over some thoughts that I jotted down in my notebook. *

I have always liked the thought of journaling, but it does scare me. The vulnerability of it. Having someone else read my words. I've always been over critical of myself, about everything. The need to be perfect - whatever that means. To be good - no great at something, anything. Probably why I have had an endless pursuit of picking up hobbies that don't stick because I was shit at them and didn't quite have the patience to get better at them.

I recently learned about Limerence. I think I had it, have it? Whichever. I think that comes from not always being seen as a child. To daydream about being unconditionally loved by anyone and not necessarily in a sexual way, was something I found myself thinking about often as a child/teen. Even to the point where I created in my mind that Jean Claude Van Damme was my biological father and he would come sweep me away and love me proper, like a dad should. I was obsessed with Jean Claude Van Damme movies growing up, it was quite ridiculous. 

I am happy to report, that I am no longer under the spell of limerence. I think my child brain was compensating for what I needed growing up. I would like to say that I'm completely rooted in reality, but that would be a lie and boring.

Future journal ideas and what I plan to write.

• Dreams. I have quite weird and vivid dreams. Mostly bad dreams, but lately there has been some surprising alterations to them. I will get into those in the future.
• Thoughts, Quotes, Ideas, you get the point. One quote I will share is, and it came from a series I recently finished. "Be careful, but brave."  It gave my goosebumps when I read it and anything that gives me goosebumps gets written down. Now, if you are familiar with Fantasy/Romance novels, you might know it.
• Music - I go through genre spurts. I listen to pretty much everything. Right now, I am listening to The HU, classical music and nature soundtracks. Don't ask me why, I'm not even sure at my musical choices right now.
• Health Journey - boring stuff. What crazy stuff I try. What sticks, what doesn't. I troubleshoot my own body, a lot. 
• Ruminations. This is the bane of my existence, and I have only just started to really battle against this. For the longest time I have felt like something was wrong with me. I caught myself falling down rabbit holes I didn't want to go down but felt helpless to stop it.
• Mishaps. Because I am on a journey of being honest with myself. No more hiding.
• BOOKS. This will be an almost daily reflection since I read every day. What I am reading, what I want to read next and what I have read. My current favorite series? I thought you'd never ask! Why it's Red Rising, of course! If you haven't read it, I highly recommend. If you like sci-fi that is. A Fun side note, my personality changes a bit depending on what I am reading. Just like with music. Right now, I am feeling a bit snarcastic (snarky and sarcastic). I do tend to mash words together in real life, so why not here!