Rome's fingerprints are running down your back;

My sadness slowly morphing into rage be like

TIL hobbies are emotional regulators and are mean to help your anxiety from going overboard.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt and doubts about having certain hobbies (manga, bl, writing, drawing, etc) and the idea of leaving them was actually causing me to get my anxiety go overboard. Oh the irony. I'm still regulating myself and will try to work on not feeling guilty about thong I enjoy. It sounds silly, but it's something important to me.

I was reading a reddit comment that really hit me:
<lj-cut text="tldr> "I've always related to Andersen's little mermaid. It remains my very favourite fairy tale and I'm fascinated by many versions of that story. (Rusalka is also my favourite opera). I loved the Disney one as a kid but not now. The message of that version is too shallow for me. Andersen's tale is deeply spiritual. It's also about the incompatibility of who you really are and what is expected of you. It is also about love, but not necessarily just in the romantic sense. (I'd even argue that Ariel isn't about love, just about infatuation and a bratty teenager getting her will. Yes there's more to that, the longing for the human world was there before the prince. But still.) Yes, Andersen's little mermaid had romantic feelings for the Prince. But her love has several layers and is deep enough for her to refuse to hurt him for any reason. And do enough to accept not being chosen. Which is why I'm the end her original longing for an immortal soul can become reality and she can be truly happy without the prince. But not every version is that optimistic either. In most versions, I think, being rejected by the prince actually means she is damned/cursed." (I'll source when I'm on my PC bc my phone won't let me) But it hit me hard. Cutting parts of yourself to really fit in. That hurts.

Depression feels like... the sense of dread feels bigger than your sense of self.

How easily you can get lost in that feeling to the point where you forget your real personality because the voices outside are telling you how unworthy you are.

Ngl I've been trying to step away from online spaces because I feel like those voices grow louder when I'm online vs when I'm not. Being on the internet, getting lost in wikipedia pages or reading random articles or discussion online used to be a comfort to me. But now that it's popular I hate it. You're expected to be online 24/7, be up to date with things and if you didn't get at the right moment then lol sucks to be you. Being online went from an escapism to being another chore ugh.

Anyway yeah. I'm trying to be less online now. Do more reading (still reading TGFC) when I can, gardening or just sitting alone by the window with my thoughts. It sucks but I'm dealing.