Unsafe space

#19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?

I believe we'll get on just fine, in spite of all the abuse ;) Sometimes (or, let's say, most of the time) I need my ass solidly kicked, and "gentle nudging" is far too inadequate. But wouldn't it be awesome to have someone with the same mentality to hang out with? especially in meatspace? (A long-forgotten luxury...) And think of all the motivational talk... we could do challenges together, and dare each other to do crazy things. Heck, we could play Pokémon together, although he or she would most likely be in team Valor, but it's ok.

I wonder if it's too weird for a diehard introvert to crave for meaningful interaction from the other side of the skull...

#17. What does your joy look like today?

Specifically today: rewriting a part of my game engine from a homebrew text format with a Perl script parsing it to C++ code into the YAML format with a Python parser.

The game code is tightly integrated with C++ (e.g. the callbacks are written in regular C++, same as Unity's callbacks are written in C#), but there are many common tasks, like initializing rooms and objects, which would be too annoying without simplification. Right now, I have a plain text "game configuration file", which basically contains all the info split over a zillion of forms in GUI-based game development systems; but here, you can see everything at a glance, and edit it all in one place, in a regular text editor.

I've developed a custom text format because JSON, XML and alike are human-unfriendly, due to the amount of markup. But recently I've discovered YAML - a popular standard for human-readable data, and it looks almost the same as mine! YAML's drawback is the usage of indentation for syntax, but I'm already used to Python, so it's a small sacrifice for huge benefits, such as a YAML parser already supported by all major scripting languages.

I could've stayed with Perl, but lately I'm into Python, because it's so neat and pleasant to work with. Especially upon discovering the heredoc syntax for templates, perfect for my purposes. (I guess there's no end of learning). I'm still on the stage of code refactoring - technically, there's no new functionality besides cleaning up some odds and ends - but the parser is already looking SO MUCH MORE ELEGANT and user-friendly.

#14. What is the difference between living and existing?

Excitement and/or goals. Ideally one should be excited about their goals, but one without the other can be very well worth it. Either pursuing your goals with grim determination, powered by pain and bitterness (sort of like Voldemort), or jumping from one random adventure to another for the sake of excitement alone - it's all good.

I guess the difference boils down to "active vs passive"? Of course, not every body movement counts as Action. Being stuck with a boring job pressing buttons on your superior's orders is very much non-living even if it involves hard work and you perform socially useful services, create socially useful products, provide for your family etc. (I'm playing Stanley Parable right now, which abundantly illustrates this idea ;) Clicking buttons in online games played out of habit and boredom - same thing, even though it looks like a fun activity at the first glance.

Yup, being mostly a zombie these days.

#12. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

More traveling, for the start. Being in an unfamiliar territory, at the mercy of strangers, is a lot of stress, because I'm always too-conscious about my unkempt appearance, lack of manners, slow reaction and lack of focus (frequently "spaced out"), and ignorance of local realities (everyone despises tourists, don't they?)

Besides, it's a stress to appear so selfish as to spend a lot of money on my personal entertainment instead of using it for the family needs, self-education, charity etc. Plus, taking too many days off, appearing a lazy and negligent worker.

Some of these reasons may exist only in my head, but my head is not easy to deal with...

#10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

I can get out of the house on my own accord, e.g. not for anything essential like work, shopping, doctor etc. I can walk around the neighborhood without falling into despair and thinking how much I hate myself and everything. I can wander outside for hours, occasionally going out after 1am and before 8am (again, on my own accord). While going somewhere, I can choose a longer route instead of the shortest route. I'm eager to visit unfamiliar places, even the noisy & dirty ones, or desolate & creepy. I've discovered a lot of new streets and other locations, learned the names of many little parks, statues and other obscure places of interest. I make an effort to recognize (some) strangers, and I've even considered talking to them (never actually did, but the thought crossed my mind). All by the virtue of playing Pokémon GO.

It became especially evident today, during a massive outage caused by the latest update. Being outside without the access to my imaginary world is so pointless and devastating. Everything feels grey and lifeless, like a post-apocalyptic desert landscape. Sunlight is offensive. Street signs are depressing. People are irritating. Luckily, I came across a workaround (remove the app, install the older version), and now I can cope with reality again. Even despite the gyms being closed for reconstruction, but at least there's something to look forward to.

8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?

The "what are you doing about it" clause sounds weird - it seems to imply an unresolved problem. Maybe an unrequited love, so you're stalking the subject, or flirting, or otherwise trying to get their attention; or, if the subject is already in your possession, then trying to make them love you back - showering them with gifts, tenderness, brainwashing, abuse or whatever rocks your boat. Maybe a forbidden love, so you try to hide or suppress it, or to remove the subject (no person, no problem...) So many interesting options!

As currently I'm not blessed with the curse of any perverse romantic obsession, and talking about happy Muggle family relationships is too boring, I'm taking the liberty of changing "who" to "what", and suddenly there are so many more choices ;)

I love meat. Especially red meat, especially pork and lamb, oh and liver, but really anything goes, any shape and form, any place, any time. What am I doing about it? I eat it whenever I can! At least once a day, but there's no inappropriate time for meat. I believe in high-protein, low-carbs diet, though I can't give up on carbs either, but the more protein, the better.

I'm grateful to all the living creatures sacrificed for my pleasure, bleeding and suffering for me, yielding their life energy to keep me up and going. Unfortunately, I've never lived on a farm, and never witnessed the actual animal slaughter, except for PETA's horror propaganda videos, which fail to reach to my conscience. I wonder if I saw it for real, or better yet, had a go at it myself, it could deter me from consuming our furry kin. I doubt it, but it could be I'm all warm and fluffy inside, so who knows.

Also, meat is one of the most religiously-regulated products: various religions forbid this and that, plus there are periodic fasts. So, every meal which is a blasphemy against someone's religious laws is my little personal protest against the global stupidity.

6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?

I wish I played the original Pokémon games, so I could relate to Pokémon Go players' nostalgia, and also, make more informed decisions about the gameplay. (For example, I regret not picking Team Valor; but I had no idea that I would enjoy Pokémon battles.)

Other than that, I wish I did more creative stuff (writing, game programming) so I wouldn't feel like a loser now; fun/inspirational stuff (gaming, traveling) for memories and experiences; and learning useful things to expand my opportunities (I took a crapload of courses over the past few years, but most of them useless and already forgotten). Also, getting in better physical shape, saving money, and all that...

I know this question implies that in the future you'll regret the same things, so you should get started today. It's hard, though, to think about the future, because I don't envision it happening to "me", but to some stupid asshole, same as the past... identity is volatile. And none of the stupid assholes previously responsible for this body ever gave a damn about "me", so why should "I" care?

(How to break the chain of hate? ;)

4. What gets you excited about life?

Novelty. New courses, new challenges, new games, new software, new music, new gadgets, new environments, new places, new relationships... I should add "success" , but it only counts when it's success in something new, or at least sufficiently new. Succeeding in tried-and-tested tasks you could do in your sleep is not fun anymore; and even getting praised for it feels vaguely embarrassing.

The problem with this model is that it's not self-sustainable. Not that it's possible to ever run out of novelties - not in the age of globalization and the Internet. But it comes into conflict with achieving mastery/professionalism in anything, which requires relentless, repetitive training and hard work.

And not only that, but the degree of novelty has to be constantly ramped up, as the whole categories of previously novel things and activities are now lumped together. Online courses? Thousands of new ones, but the whole concept of studying online is already old news. Writing challenges? So many different ones out there, but the whole concept of a "writing challenge" - been there, done that, met my word count goals, need new motivation. New programming language or framework? Try 10-20 of them, know them all. Every new gadget is less exciting than the previous ones. Every software upgrade is an annoyance to be postponed as long as possible, rather than something to look forward to. And so on.

It reminds me on that short sci-fi story (can't remember the author or name) about 2 guys stuck on an uninhabited planet with a broken spaceship and a sophisticated machine that can create any imaginable object, but only once, because it gets bored with repetition ;) So they devise workarounds to make it create all the necessary parts to repair the starship, and food so they can survive while repairing it. They have to come up with different categories of materials and food, as it goes approximately like that: after ordering a steak, they can't get any more meat; after ordering tomatoes, no more vegetables, and so on.

But how can I do that to myself? (I remember what turned out to be the optimal solution for the machine, but for me, it's thoroughly uninspiring. :)

I guess everything can be solved with an appropriate amount of medication, but the moment you start on this path, you can never turn back... I'd rather struggle some more. After all, happiness is overrated.

2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

Everyone... all the time. And the results are usually not in my favour. One of my superpowers is finding desirable qualities in everyone, including people I hate and/or despise. This could be leveraged into love-thy-neighbour-thing, but it only fuels envy, lack of self-confidence and feelings of inadequacy.

Direction to move: by all means, keep noting positive and negative qualities, but only as information that can be used for goal-setting and for interaction, without attaching any emotional baggage to it. It's like electrical polarity: the positive/negative duality is a source of power, and it defines the direction of the current, but it's free of any moral "good vs bad" connotations.

Here are some questions that will help you uncover or recover your passion: (http://paidtoexist.com/find-your-passion/)

* What’s something you’d love to be an expert in?

Everything. And I mean it... absolutely everything.

* What are you naturally talented at? What seems second nature to you?

Sleeping, procrastinating, whining. Occasionally coding.

* In what ways do you deeply enjoy serving others?

In no ways.

* What are you called to in your heart to pursue as a craft or vocation?

Traveling around the world (luxury conditions only, no socializing, minimal interaction with people)

* What is a profession you could enjoy exploring for years without ever tiring or becoming bored?

Trying out new stuff (games, movies, courses, software), under no obligation to share any feedback. Can that be a profession?

* What are some moments in the past when you’ve felt deeply fulfilled in a project or cause?

Nostly coding, hacking and writing.

* What are some moments where you’ve become completely lost in your work and time ceased to exist?

Same as above.