ever ridiculous

Ah, rats, I deleted my sadness icon! I'll have to fix that later, hm.

( depression talk. )

I'm in one of those moods that's like, if I look at Tumblr just once today, I will eat a window. The (temporary?) loss of Tumblr Savior has ruined my e-life. Save me from Sherlock/Supernatural/Doctor Who/everything.

Speaking of Tumblr: ( tiger & bunny-geddon. )

People tell you that you should be satisfied with things, that you shouldn't ask for more, that you're whining or you're wrong for being disappointed in something, but those people are wrong. It's all right to want more. It's all right to be disappointed! You don't have to be satisfied when someone throws half a piece of bread to you and keeps loaves for their self.

The fact of it is, as a queer woman, I do want more! I'm not satisfied! I am disappointed! I want more! And why should I be made to feel badly for that? Why should anyone be made to feel badly for wanting more - for wanting their suffering to be recognized and their hopes and fears and wants and their LIVES to be known and celebrated as much as any other person's? Absurd! Ridiculous! Fuck off!

Oh, gosh, wow, it's so nice to have feelings again. Hi, Dreamwidth! Sorry for my blog!

Title: Fingers In Your Hair
Fandom: Tiger & Bunny
Characters: Kotetsu T. Kaburagi/Barnaby Brooks, Jr.
Summary: "It wasn't your fault." Coda to episode eight, "There Is Always A Next Time." 2,500+ words.

( fingers in your hair. )

Boring health post! The very best kind of post there is, says no one at all, ever.

Trigger and squick warnings for health talk involving my junk, specifically: pelvic examination involving penetration with a device. Also: mention of blood, and a small rant about having to pee all the gosh dang time. Classy! Health posts mean I can talk about my bathroom habits as much as I want, so there.

( i had my first well-woman today. )

I had oral surgery Thursday! Yes. Exciting times. ( warning for possibly upsetting descriptions! )

Hopefully I'll have thoughts on media later today! I've spent the last couple days napping mostly, but I did just watch the first episode of the new Japanese drama Lucky 7 (flash verdict: entertaining and visually compelling, but very rushed) and I'm hoping to catch up on my kdramas over the weekend.

WHAT A WONDERFUL POST THIS HAS BEEN! Good-bye forever.

(I think I might be using this journal as equal parts diary, proper media discussion, and complaining about things. Here's to entertainment?)

My sleep cycle's so off I decided sometime yesterday afternoon that I'd stay awake until at least eight o'clock this evening - you know, completely reset everything - and I'm a little alarmed by how alert I am right now. Help, I don't know what's happening with my body! Tried taking an ambien a few nights ago only to remember three hours later, when I awoke in a Mood, that ambien is effectively useless on me. What a wonderful way to remember something like that.

It was snowing a bit, not very much, this morning, and I went out walking in it, as you do, but really because I decided I absolutely needed to buy junk food and cranberry juice (the staples of the adult's diet). I didn't know it was snowing until I stepped outside in sneakers without socks and only a coat on over my very thin night hoodie, but by that point, standing precisely one step outside the house with the garage door still open, it was simply too late to turn back. I'd committed; the quest must needs to be seen through.

I love winter and I love snow, but it's been so long since I really walked in the snow that I'd nearly forgotten how very calming it is, walking out with the air so cold in your face and wet flakes melting on your skin and your own forward motion pulling your breath back against your throat in a light fog. (Of course, I live in northern Virginia, so for me snow is something of a semi-regular seasonal novelty instead of a major inconvenience or a source of likely danger, and what I think cold, those of you farther north than I would likely characterize as "balmy" instead of "brisk," haha.) But it was nice, the silence of early morning and the quiet of winter all come together, then the chirping of the small black birds in the parking lot of the shopping center across the way coming across through the air. It's stopped snowing now - shortly after I got home, in fact. I hope it'll start snowing again soon, as I always miss snow when it isn't here and want more of it when it is, but at least I had that walk.

On the way back home I started thinking of the fallacious nature of memory (you know, normal walking stuff) only to have a very strange moment wherein it seemed to me, as I considered a little memory of eating noodles at the bar in the house my family lived in in New Mexico when I was fourteen, that I existed simultaneously then and now, as if at the same precise moment in time that I was cutting through the clearing in the woods to my house, grocery bags pulling my fingers so they numbed with the weight and the cold, I was also sitting on a stool with a glass bowl filled with noodles and turning my fork over and over, that I had not existed at that point but was existing.

Sleep deprivation is a hell of a thing.

Ah, how shocking! A post! Well, I suppose taking two years and two-thirds of another to decide what it is I want to do with this journal is, er, reasonable? That's a good marinating period, though, right? Hm.

It's a bit sad to think that after all this time, I haven't much use for livejournal; for many years, more years than any other site (or even all the other sites put together), it was the site upon which I most depended--the host for nearly every community with which I engaged. Then Tumblr happened, and I don't regret Tumblr at all - in many ways, I think Tumblr has helped me a great deal in articulating and recognizing my strengths and weaknesses, psychological and otherwise, and certainly the casual atmosphere that so fosters quick attachments has enabled me to create and maintain closer friendships as well as assisted me in overcoming a number of my personal social anxieties (though alas, that particular gum-stick has stuck quite fiercely) - but the main thing is, now here I am without any real reason to stick with LJ. Oh, well. It's not really that sad after all, is it? Haha. (Awkward silence, &c.)

Anyway, I've got a Tumblr and a Twitter, and I abuse those something awful - my apologies to all those who have thought, Ah, yes, I must follow Memlu on the Tumblr/the Twitter! You knew not into what flames you stepped, etc. - but neither is terribly conducive to the sort of thinking and talking I need to do now and then. So what is it I do mean to use this journal for? I don't quite know! A mixed bag of things, I suppose. Some serious stuff, some fannish stuff. I don't expect it will be terribly entertaining to read; in many regards, I'm already thinking of this journal as an outlet, a means of spilling and then carefully arranging my guts so that I'm satisfied with what it is I have to say to myself if no one else.

( mental health. )

On the entertainment side of things, I'm now watching not one, but three (3) currently airing kdramas: Ojakgyo Brothers, which is agonizingly stressful but in all the best ways, Wild Romance, which is silly and intriguing and delightful, and The Moon That Embraces The Sun, which I suspect will soon be yanking my heart out through my throat and then gleefully stepping on it. Rude!

I've also started reading G-Dragon/T.O.P fanfiction, but I don't really want to talk about that. Farewell to dignity; you were ever a stranger.