.
I got to go to Hilton Head Island for the wekend, it was a much needed getaway, I needed to get out of ATL. I’ve been stir crazy without a car; all I want to do is leave this place, and I can’t. I’d even prefer going back to hell on earth (Kentucky) rather than stay here for another day. But I don’t have a choice. I’m stuck for the time being. I’m enrolled in school, just waiting on my student loans to come in. I’m hoping that I get enough loans back to get a cheap car just to get me through school for a little while. That’s all I can hope for right now. I keep looking towards the future, because the present continues getting harder and harder to bear. Existing hurts.

I am missing the other half of my heart. Nothing new there, though.
Why do I love him? It’s because we have had a beautiful life together. Even in the dark times (and right now is without a doubt a dark time. It’s not totally dark, though. It’s a dark grey, not a pitch black) he is still the other half of me, he is still all of the beautiful memories. I wouldn’t want to go through the dark times with anyone else, he is the light that helps me navigate the darkness when the visibility is zero percent and to keep going seems impossible.

Through all of the vicissitudes, there’s no one else I’d rather love. That’s the beginning snd ending of everything (to quote Fitzgerald).

I’m sitting outside watching the storm. I’m lonely. It’s going to be okay, though.

It always ends up okay.

 Haven’t had much to do, so after a decade of waiting I finally finished Game of Thrones. I had read all the books back in the day and when the show came out, I was (to put it mildly) obsessed like most everyone that’s watched GOT. I never ended up finishing it because… well. A few different reasons. My relationship ended with Tyler after season 6 and it was our show, and it felt wrong watching it without him. Then addiction happened and stability to watch a show was the least of my concerns. Since then, I had asked Corey to watch it with me but I needed a refresher so I wanted to watch starting at season 5, he didn’t want to rewatch 4 seasons all with hour long episodes, which I understood. So after 4 years, I finally sat down and finished it. It’s not like I hadn’t seen all the spoilers the past few years, so I knew what happened and how it ended, but still nothing prepared me for how shitty it was going to be lol. But now I’m back in my Targaryen feels, all obsessed and shit. Rewatching House of the Dragon for the 3rd time now. 

Brian went to a poker tournament for the weekend in North Carolina so I’m all alone, depressed, and reclusive. Sad isn’t the right word, not even the first word that comes to mind. I’ve at a loss for the right words, I’m not trying to sit in self pity, trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I really want to get to my end destination, Hickory North Carolina, that is Corey and I’s end goal. not far from Asheville, or where my uncle lives in the mountains of NC. Not far from the outer banks, right in the middle of all my closest friends, not that far from my parents, with the best cost of living in the United States. 

I just want time to hurry up. At this point I wouldn’t care living in a car, but my car is gone too. 

Brian’s been spoiling me, he got me 3 bags of popsicles, hair dye, some tanning lotion, some nice shampoo and conditioner, and has just been there for me. I know how lucky I am to have him, I wish I could love him sometimes. I mean, I do love him, just not in the way I think he wants me to. My heart is no longer is and hasn’t been for over a decade now. I know he gets lonely here which is why he doesn’t care when I come and stay and doesn’t mind taking care of me because he has no one else to take care of but himself. it’s lonely being 8 hours from home. I am missing home a lot, just not enough to fool myself into thinking I could go back.
 

 Everything went to shit again. 

I was stranded in Florida with no way to leave. Corey and I got into a fight and his “kind” ex step mom and husband asked me to leave and I had no car, no money and no way to leave. They said there’s the road or the back of a police car when they come and arrest you for criminal trespassing. So I left and went to a rental car place. You can’t rent a car without a credit card at Hertz and Enterprise. So I walked to Avis/budget and you have to have at least a 650 credit score if you have a debit card, which I do. I got the money to rent the car and then they wouldn’t take chime. So one of the ladies that was working there took pity on me and took me with her when they closed. She said she would find me a way to go home or find me a ride. I could have flown or gotten a bus ticket but I had all my stuff. So she ended up taking me to a friends house to stay while we figured out how to get me home.

Her friends house ended up being a crack den in Florida. I’m not one to judge, but everyone was smoking crack and there were prostitutes coming and going for the two days I was stranded there. There was no way for me to sleep because they were partying all night and had the speakers making the house shake. The owner of the home was this old rich guy that basically let whoever come and go. I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours the whole 48 hours I was there, and not because I was smoking crack, but because everyone was partying. When I woke up one time, an old lady was dressed in lingerie and high heels dancing and partying. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. 

Finally i was able to pay someone to take me back to Atlanta after almost 3 days of being stranded. i'm with Brian again, but dont want to be here. id rather not exist at all. I’m just trying to go to school and have a stable life. I don’t know how to do that anymore.

“And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” -Bukowski

Things have been… rough. To say the very least. Someone ran a red light and ran me off the road and totaled my car. I was fully reliant on my car for independence and for school. I had been living at @pill s and had gotten a job and had got accepted into college there, so needless to say it fucked everything up. Everything. @pill was my best friend as always and offered the literal world and was so understanding, just like a best friend is, but I couldn’t bring myself to burden her with all of my burdens, which are plentiful, to say the very least. It honestly feels like I can’t catch a break, but the other news is that I’m with the love of my life again. I enrolled in college in FL where he is staying with his step mom of 17 years who is no longer married to his dad (if that makes sense) and they have offered me the world to stay here as well. Kristie (his step mom) and her new husband Patrick are some of the most extraordinary people I’ve ever met in my life. They are such kind, giving, active people that actually like doing things and spending time with us. Corey and I have even been skeptical of how much they want to spend time with us and love us, they want to go kayaking and fun things with us like that. I’ve only been here a week now, but I’ve gotten enrolled in the college down here for nursing, gotten an interview at the big hospital here, have been to the beach for a sunset for the first time in my life, (magical, honestly. I’ve grown up on the east coast of the country and only been able to see sunrises on the beach, never gotten to see a sunset over the ocean til being on the west coast of FL) gone to the pool and beach for entire days, and all next to my love. I had missed him so much. It feels so good to be next to him again, I just need it to last and not to be let down again like I’ve been before. I’m so tired of watching my life burn down and having to start over again and again.

It all feels too good to be true right now, honestly. Seeing him doing so well really warms my heart. But even though he says that I’m the strongest woman he’s ever met, he doesn’t understand how weak I’ve become after everything that’s happened. I don’t think I could take anymore than I’ve taken. Sometimes I feel like I’m a boxer in a ring with life and I’m literally on the ground holding my hands over my face while life just continues punching me and the ref won’t blow the whistle telling life to fucking stop it. I know it’s going to change, and soon, it already has in a lot of ways. Life won’t always be this hard. It’s about to get a lot fucking harder with nursing school. Fuck. But nursing school leads to a stable life. Nursing school leads to a promise of a different life altogether. Passing my NCLEX leads to a salary and a savings account because everything I’ve done prior to this has led to paycheck to paycheck and one fire to put out after another. I know that life will always be difficult and having a child will only increase that difficulty (when it’s the right time, even tho it’s never the right time, but I’m on the best kinda BC for that issue lol) but I can overcome my battles with a good job, a good salary, a good man, a good car, a good family behind my back that doesn’t automatically assume I’m back on my bullshit because I will have the kind of job that completely eliminates those assumptions. I can prove everyone wrong. I know I’m smart enough to do it, I’ve done everything I ever set my mind to. With or without support, even though I really do have some of the best friends of all time when it feels like my family is against me, god damn I have gotten so lucky with the strong ass women in my life that support me and listen to me and believe me no matter what, @pill is only one of these amazing women that have been in my life for the past decade or longer. Between Angie, Liz, Jessie, @pill, and the love of my life, even though he is a male lol, my support system truly is amazing. For over 15 years I’ve had @pill, regardless of all of terror we’ve been thru, and it truly has been some fucking terror. I am lucky. I forget my luck in times like this where everything feels like it’s fallen to shit and my plans are always a fucking joke. 

“When I plan, god laughs.” 

 I’m not big on god, but I’m big on the universe around me, if that makes sense. I’m not religious, but believe there’s a power greater than myself out there, and not just because Alcoholics Anonymous told me that I need to believe in it. I’ve had a lot of time to think about god, my relationship with a god, with a power greater than myself, I imagine him to be a lot like Edgar Allen Poe, if I’m being totally honest. More macabre than anything. Always laughing at my luck, because when life hits hard, I’m the first one to laugh at it before I break down in tears. I believe that if there is a god, it would be very angry at how he’s been portrayed, and that the god of the world religions (I’ve read the Bible, the Quran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Veda,  A LOT of Buddhist texts concerning pillars) would be horrified by the insurmountable bloodloss and wars that have been had over figments of an imagination. I considered myself to be Buddhist for a long time, became atheist for a bit, became agnostic for even longer, became atheist again, and now just believe that my relationship with a god of my understanding works for me. I believe in something. I pray again now, I forget to pray more than I actually pray, but when I pray it’s real, not pressured, like it was for a long part of my childhood and pre-adolescence. But I do pray. I have a relationship with the universe, my god, the unknown, the known, science, energy, karma, light and darkness. I just know that I don’t know, but I know that it’s nothing that’s been written anywhere. I’m not sorry if this offends anyone. Don’t come on here thinking your doing your god any favors by explaining them to me, I have already known them and their teachings and their writings written thousands of years ago and translated countless times prior to whatever you have to tell me. I do not care, and I am not the one. I can swear on your god that much. Honestly, not trying to be rude, just tired of people offering me salvation. My salvation doesn’t look like yours. And Jesus didn’t die for mine, I can promise you that, too. I’m the only one that can die for my sins, and they are also.. plentiful.