Old Angel Stories, Part 3
Sep. 20th, 2022 10:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apachefirecatHeartache, posted 7-18-06, rated T/PG-13
Characters: Angel/Cordelia, Groo
Cordelia must deal with that which she claimed in the heat of the moment when she told Groo she loved him . . . when she loves another.
I stand at the window, sad eyes staring out at the night sky and watching the lightning streak across the sky. But it isn't the lightning that I really see. It's his face. The face that I have come to know nearly as well as my own. His handsome face, wretched and contorted by sadness. Sadness that I had given him. Sadness that I now hate myself for having given him.
Why? How could I have acted the way I did? How could I have said what I said? Just how horrible am I, any way!
For the thousandth time since we had returned from Pylea, the memory replays itself inside my head, tears springing to my eyes once more though I had thought I had none left. I can feel Dennis hovering nearby, his concern for his roommate great, but I ignore him. The last thing I need right now is another male to complicate my life.
"Not you, dumbass!"
The words that had left my own lips rang throughout my head like a gunshot. Why? Why? Heck, why did we even have to go to Pylea to begin with? And now, there's that damn Fred to contend with... Gods, don't let her want Angel. Don't let Angel want her! Nah. There's no way he could want her. She's too geeky even for him . . . Right? Gods, I pray so.
Once more, the memory replays itself. Once more, I cry. Why had I said what I said? Sure, I liked the Groosalugg okay and definitely wouldn't have had any problems consummating our "relationship" if not for that whole I-die-and-he-gets-my-visions thing. But the Groosalugg was still only a man. Maybe not your typical man, maybe rather studly, but still a man nonetheless.
Angel, on the other hand, is most definitely not your typical guy. Sure, he's a Vampire. The only Vampire with a soul even, but that isn't it. Angel is wonderful when in control of himself and not Angelus, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. In fact, there's only one sentence that does. Angel . . is . . . Angel.
Kinda basic, I know, but still, there's just no other thing that comes as close to describing him. Sure, I didn't always think so. There were even times when I hated him. But when we left Sunnydale and came out here to L.A., it was Angel that picked me up, Angel that dusted me off, Angel that made me come back to my senses and return to being what and who I truly am - Cordelia Chase, Bitch Supreme - and not just another struggling, starving would-be actress. It's Angel that makes certain I eat, Angel that takes care of me even if neither of us will admit it.
I can see that now, but what I still can't see is why the hell I was as stupid as I was. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him how I feel about him, but instead, I didn't even just let it pass me by. Heck no! I had to go and screw up my chances with him for the rest of eternity. Tears run freely down my cheeks at this thought, my mascara blurring my vision of the fierce storm raging outside.
The phone rings, jerking me back to reality, but I ignore it. I partially listen to the answering machine pick it up, and there's a soft click on the other end as the caller, whoever it was, hangs up. A despairing sigh escapes my lips. Angel. Oh, Angel. I'm so sorry!
An especially brilliant flash of lightning lights up the night sky like fireworks on New Year's Eve, and for a moment, I see him, standing there on the sidewalk below, gazing up at my window with those yummy, deep eyes of his. My breath catches in my throat. Does he see me? Does he know what I am thinking, feeling? A brief space of darkness vanishes him from me, and when the lightning returns to the same area, he's already gone. I turn away from the window, walk over to my bed, and fall in. The last thoughts that I have are once more of Angel, of how I have forever screwed myself over, and then a welcoming darkness as I fall unconscious from the sleepless hours I have spent mulling over the questions that constantly haunt my mind yet always never coming up with an answer.
In my dreams, I once more see his handsome face.
"Angel! Angel, I love you!" I shout.
He turns from me and walks away, and try as I do to catch him, he forever eludes me.
The End
Her, posted 7-18-06, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Angel/Cordelia, Angel/Buffy
Cordy's POV of how she thinks Angel feels.
Don't think I don't see you standing there,
Half in shadow, half in moonlight,
Looking at me, wishing I was her.
I wish you wouldn't look at me that way
With those puppy-dog eyes that
I ache to be able to lose myself in
And that make it so hard to tell you no.
I wish I didn't have to, but I do,
And that's why I grasp at straws,
Screaming about my personal bubble
Or claiming to love another when
I never have and never could.
But it's not me you want, not really,
So I don't have a true choice.
I'd do anything for you and anything for your love,
But I can't and I won't do that.
I can't be her, even though I
Know that's what you want, what you've always wanted.
You still love her. You still miss her.
Even after all this time, you still ache for her.
Sometimes I wish I was her
Just so that I would have the chance
To feel your love, to taste your sweet kisses,
And know that it was me you really wanted, truly loved.
But I can't be her, Angel, and I don't really want to be.
I never want to hurt you as badly as she has.
Why isn't that what you remember about her?
Why do you choose to forget everything she did to you?
She abandoned you. She chose idiots over you.
She even killed you,
But still you want her,
You love her, you grieve for her.
I've stood by you through it all.
I've borne incredible pain and came so close to death
Because of my visions, that I kept just because I knew
That without them, you'd have no use for me.
I even accepted your past and your son
And would have helped you raise him just
As if he had been ours if we'd ever had the chance.
Would she have done that?
Would she have stood by you through it all,
The good and the bad, the Heaven on Earth and the Hell?
Would she have held you while you cried for another woman
But still loved you the entire while?
I'd do anything to be with you, Angel,
To make you love me,
Anything but that.
I can't be her. I can't be the woman you love.
But why do you still love her after all she's done?
Why can't you open your eyes and look at me,
Look at the real me without seeing only what you want to see,
And see that there's a real, good woman here,
A woman who'd rather slit her own throat than ever hurt you,
A woman whose every breath is spent
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love?
You'll never see me for who and what I truly am, Angel.
You'll never love me. It'll always be her,
But I'll always be here,
For as long as you'll let me or until my death,
Whichever comes first.
I'll always be here,
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love.
I'll always be here, Angel,
And I'll always love you.
The End
His Guide, posted 3-13-12, rated T/PG-13
Characters: Angel+/Cordelia
Angel is lost without his beloved Cordelia.
She was his guide, Angel thought, standing alone at Cordelia's grave. She was his best friend, the one woman who'd never turned from him even when Hell enveloped him. Where was he supposed to go now? How was he supposed to be good without her bright and bubbly light piercing the darkness of his miserable life?
Angel looked up into the pouring rain and howled his fury, his fangs flashing in the night. His family was gone again. He no longer had Cordy. He no longer had anything! He fell upon her grave and wept, wishing he'd been killed instead.
The End
King and Queen, posted 2-14-09, rated G/K
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
Can Angel persuade Cordelia that the dress doesn't really matter?
"Cordy, are you sure you want me here?"
"Oh, Angel, don't be silly!" Cordelia admonished with a grin. "You're more than just my boyfriend; you're my best friend! Of course I want you here!"
"I could just give you my credit card and go."
She stopped, frozen in her tracks, and stared at him, her hazel eyes dancing with excitement, but finally, much to his dismay, she shook her head. "As much fun as that would be, I'd still rather have you here with me so that I can get your opinion." Her eyes twinkled mischievously, and her grin grew impish. "You could give it to me any way, you know, just to speed up the final process."
"If I have to stay," he returned firmly, "my credit card's staying exactly where it is."
She pouted but, knowing he wouldn't give in that easily, returned to her pursuit.
A moment skipped between them of Cordelia searching while Angel fidgeted uneasily. "Cordy," he tried again, "I really don't belong here."
"Nonsense, Angel! Men are welcome! They don't usually come unless dragged in here, true, but they're still welcome. No one's going to say a word. Some of them might oogle you a little too much - you are definitely way, way worth oogling," she admitted, her eyes drifting over his handsome form appreciatively, " - in which case I may just have to slap their eyes back into their heads. But you're definitely welcome, and if you're not, then your money always is, and besides, I want your opinion."
"My opinion?"
"Of course! Angel," she said, turning around to face him and unconsciously holding a garment up beside her body, as though offering him a taste of things to come, "this is our first dance together! I don't want anybody upstaging us and I want to make sure that we look like the perfect couple we are and, of course, I want your opinion! I always value your opinion. I may not always agree with it, but I always value it. And especially on dresses. I want to knock your socks off, but I also want to make sure that we are matching and the King and Queen of the dance floor." {You may not be able to dance the part,} she added silently, not wanting to hurt his feelings as she paused for a breath, {but you can certainly look it!}
"Cordelia," Angel began, his voice so low that many would have been spooked by it though his beautiful Seer stood her ground, stalking stealthily forward to close the distance between them, "this is not the Prom. I wasn't lucky enough to attend your Prom with you. I should have been there with you, not with Buffy, but that is past. It's behind us now, and Buffy's only a friend. I'm not interested in her that way and - "
"This isn't about Buffy!" she snapped, her hazel eyes flaring.
He paused, confusion creasing his brow. "Then why the King and Queen comment?" he asked innocently. "I thought only Proms crowned Kings and Queens."
She sighed, her full mouth hovering somewhere between a half-hearted grin and a frown. "It's just an expression, Angel. I didn't think you were still thinking about Buffy. I thought I had finally gotten you over that damn Slayer."
"You have," he was quick to reassure her as he closed the distance between them and stood right before her with barely a breath left between their bodies. The fabric of the dress she was holding brushed against his jacket. "Buffy's only a friend and barely that. You're much more than just my girl," he repeated her earlier words with his twist, "and my Seer and secretary. You're my best friend. You're what keeps me sane through the Demons and - "
His eyes shifted around to the other shoppers. No one had noticed what he was saying yet, but if he continued, they might. He lowered his voice and shifted tactics slightly. " - and everything else. You keep me wanting to do the right thing. You give me hope in an otherwise dark world."
As he was talking, he had gently grasped her shoulders and worked his way up, caressing her tender, seductive flesh, to her face. Now he brushed a strand of loose hair out of her eyes, cupped her face, and slightly lifted her head so that he could look directly into her breath-taking eyes. "You save me, Cordelia. Every day, every night, you save me. Just knowing you're waiting for me downstairs with that cup of cinnamon blo - drink is enough to make me want to get up and carry on, no matter what else is happening. You're the only one for me, and you always will be." He sealed his words with a powerfully passionate and yet simultaneously gentle kiss that left her gasping for air and trembling slightly in his hands.
"As for the dress," he resumed with a slight shrug, smiling into her eyes, "it doesn't matter to me what you wear. You're always the most beautiful, most fascinating creature I've ever had the pleasure of setting eyes upon. If I still breathed, you'd take my breath away every time I looked at you."
She laid her hand, with quivering fingers, against his chest and felt his heartbeat racing, for him at least, and skipping underneath her palm. Her dazzled eyes grew moist with tears; her smile was already as huge as it could possibly be. His right hand covered her own. "No matter what you wear, you'll always be my Queen, Cordelia, my Princess, my heroine, my savior, my love, my soul mate. You are everything that is good and sweet in this world to me, and you always will be."
He pledged his eternal love to her in a kiss that rocked her world and shook her to her very core, and as his wondrous mouth filled her with such enormously good and fluffy feelings and she rose into the clouds of pure elation and ultimate happiness, she vaguely heard the crowd that had grown around them clapping. Her last thought was that what they wore really didn't matter any longer for he would always be her King just as he had told her, and she knew in her joyfully-singing heart, that she would forever be his Queen.
The End
Love's Real Bitch, posted 1-21-13, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Spike, Angel, Buffy
He'll remind him who love's bitch really is.
"When are you going to wake up?" Spike snarled, running Angel through with a hot beam. "They're bloody Happy Meals, ya great Poof! Ya used to know that!"
"That was before - "
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the whole conscience bit! This isn't you! It's that damn curse! You know humans are only good for eating and terrorizing."
"We humans," Buffy snapped as rescue arrived, "have something to say about that!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, and for screwing." He flew into battle, promising himself Angel would remember what humans really were good for and, more importantly, who love's bitch really was.
The End
Love To Last An Eternity, posted 4-7-10, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Doyle/Cordy
Cordelia finally gets the chance to answer Doyle's question when she awakens on the other side.
"We'll never know if this is a face ye could learn tae love." The words echoed through her mind as the blinding white light finally subsided and she found herself staring at a man who had haunted her dreams for years both with the handsome face that was smiling at her now and the more grotesque mask of the Demon within who he'd only allowed her to see once.
"Yes," she finally answered the question that he'd never been able to fully ask her and kissed him.
Doyle pulled back slightly. Though the kiss was heavenly - all he'd ever wished it to be and more -, questions swirled through his mind. He had to be sure he was understanding her right before they continued. "Princess?" he asked, his Irish lilt caressing her ears.
She smiled as his mere voice sent more shivers sweeping through her. "The answer is yes, Doyle."
"Wha' was th' question?"
She gave his arm a playful push. "You know what the question was - the one you wanted to ask me."
"If ye could luv me?"
"If I could love your Demon face. Doyle, I already love you. I have for years as a good friend, if nothing more."
"Tha' 'twas nae a friendship kiss, Princess."
"No," she agreed, grinning, "it wasn't."
He knew she wasn't ready to let go of her doubts about their relationship so quickly just because they were together again, so he spoke reassuringly, "We've a whole eternity tae find oot what it is." He cupped her beautiful face, his fingers entwining in her silky, raven hair that he was glad to see was long again in the afterlife, and leaned closer. "Shall we try tha' again?"
"Yes," she breathed, tingling from head to foot. She did love this man, she realized, and she would tell him after the shock of reuniting had settled down for the both of them. That way he would know there were no more doubts in her mind.
"Welcome home, Princess," he murmured before his lips touched hers. Her mouth opened readily beneath his gentle touch. His tongue swept into her mouth, sparking a passionate dance with hers, as he kissed her deeper in a promise of pleasure and love to last them an eternity.
The End
Marry, Shag, or Throw Off A Cliff?, posted 2-13-09, rated M/R
Characters: Spike/Angel, Ensemble
Spike debates just what to do with Angel.
"So what do you think I should do with Angel?" Spike asked darkly, his gaze shifting between Gunn and Lorne. "Sell him, marry, shag, or throw off a cliff?"
"You'd better not sell me!" Angel protested hotly. His face flushed from the mere thought of being sold.
Spike shrugged as he leaned back in his chair and surveyed him, his legs spread apart. He grinned, a tip of one fang showing. "Why not? You'd bring a pretty nice price."
"Is that all I am to you?" Angel challenged. "A means to money?"
Spike pressed a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. "Well, it is the way it's normally done, Angel," Gunn put in from where his brown eyes had been darting between the two Vampires like a ping pong match.
"Just because it's normally done," Lorne chimed in, "doesn't mean it has to be done."
"Yeah," Spike remarked, holding up a blue peg, "but it is the way of the game." Angel glared at Spike as he moved to cash him in with the banker. Spike shrugged and blew him a kiss. When Angel shrugged it off, Spike crooned, "Oh, what's a matter? Big, bad Angelus got his feelings hurt?" Angel growled, and Spike's grin grew. "Oh, really, big boy? Just what are you going to do with me?" He indicated the blue peg sitting next to Angel's token in his little car.
Angel leaned over the board game so that his face was barely a breath away from Spike's. "Come to the bedroom," he challenged, his full fangs glistening, "and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with you, and it damn sure isn't selling you! In fact . . . " He clicked a cuff around Spike's wrist. " . . . you'll come along now like a good little boy."
"What if I don't?" Spike demanded, shadows chasing over the blonde Vampire's face as he bared his fangs in mock threat.
Angel grinned. "Be bad; that's even more fun."
Gunn and Lorne were left shaking their heads in amazement. "All those two ever do any more is shag!" Gunn complained as another blast of thunder shook the building.
Lorne leaned back, laughing. "I don't know. The way they argue, a lot of people would think they're already married!" Unlike Gunn, he was glad to see his friends happy and truly thankful that they had this down time to enjoy.
The End
Not Sucking, posted 4-2-13, rated G/K
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
"Very occasionally, if you pay really close attention, life doesn't suck." - Joss Whedon
Her new dress was shredded. Slime and blood dripped down her nubile body. But they had won. The world was saved, innocent lives spared, and they had made it out alive together. "Cordelia!" Smiling, Cordy turned toward Angel and was swallowed up by his hug. They almost hadn't made it, but they had. She hugged him tightly as their other friends came closer. Queen C would have been bitching nonstop, but Cordelia was happy. She had her friends, her life, and her love, and as long as she had Angel, life couldn't suck, no matter how many dresses she lost.
The End
One Moment At A Time With His Angel, posted 9-8-10, rated M/R
Characters: Spike/Angel
Spike will take his moments of pleasure, happiness, and love with his beloved Angel where he will allow him to do so, even if he knows Hell will always follow every treasured moment.
The night was done; the battle was over. He should have been happy, his blood lust sated and soul victorious, but he was not for as he gazed into the shadows and met the dark eyes of his partner, he understood the message silently shining in those beseeching, enchanting eyes. Would he come with him for one more day, spend one more day in his arms, and then let him run away into the night as he always did when he was finished with him? Would he allow him to find his paradise in his arms one more time and then thrust him away once again like discarded trash?
Spike froze as he gazed into Angel's eyes, but already he knew the answer. It would be the same one he always gave him; the same one he had always eventually given his grandsire when in control of his own being; the same one he would always give him, no matter how many times he destroyed his black heart after sharing with him the bliss he had always only found in his strong, loving, but also unforgiving arms; the same one that granted him what he needed even more than he needed the blood that coiled, warming, in his stomach; and the same one that would always condemn him to being love's bitch. He was love's bitch, and he had never once denied that fact.
Spike swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and walked through the shadows that were beginning to fade. The other fighters were forgotten by the two Vampires as they embraced in the shadows. Angel angled his head for Spike's neck, and Spike shivered deliciously inside as he ran his tongue over a cut and drank his blood. Angel pulled back after a fleeting moment and gazed into Spike's eyes, his cold, pale hands caressing his handsome face. "We have to hurry. The sun will be up soon."
Spike gave a brief nod, the only answer he'd dared allow himself to give at this time. A thousand emotions swirled through him at once: the eternal need and undying love he would always feel for Angel alone; the misery that plagued him for he knew the painful misery and betrayal that would come when Angel was done with him this time; and the fury that radiated through his every fiber at the thought of the Hell to which Angel condemned them both. He knew he loved him, or else he'd have not come to him again and again throughout the centuries they'd shared together. Yet, also with just as much surety, Spike knew that Angel would never allow himself to admit that he loved a monster, no more than he would stop running from the monster that always lurked within himself.
Spike wanted to beg Angel to stop running, cease his hiding, and embrace the love that they'd been given though neither of them deserved it, but he refused the burning need in his being for he knew that doing so would only cause his beloved Angel to become his tormenting Demon even more swiftly. He would yell at him, scream at him, refuse their love, cuss him out in every language they knew, inform him heatedly that he was only an ends to a means and could never be anything more for he was good now whereas Spike would never be as good as he was for he'd never possess a soul of such purity, and then he'd hit him. He'd hit him again and again, and Spike would either respond, prompting them both to beat each other to a bloody pulp, or he would crawl away, slide deeper into the shadows that always offered him protection, and lick his wounds. Either way, he would be cheated of the moments Angel was offering him now, the rare moments of love that Angel actually allowed himself to give them, and those were moments for which he would gladly give anything, even the soul he'd fought so hard to achieve, and they were the moments that truly made his unlife worth surviving.
Thus it was that Spike stepped into Angel's waiting arms and let him pull him into hiding from the first rays of the rising sun. He let him kiss him and shivered inside. He let Angel's hands roam over him as his own hands tentatively reached out and began to touch the sensual body that filled his every good dream. He moaned when he slipped his tongue into his mouth and deepened their kiss, and he began to respond at last in full and hearty eagerness as he pushed the thoughts of what would come that night to the furthest recesses of his mind. It would happen, he knew. Angel would betray him again, turn away from him and toss him and their love away as he always did, but Spike also knew that he would come again. After all, he always did, and as much as his beloved grandsire would never admit, Spike knew, with a silent grin chasing his dark lips, that he, too, was love's bitch.
He whispered none of the words of love that churned through his poet's mind but took all that Angel offered him, gave him everything he possessed, and silently begged for an eternity of more. He showed him with his touches how much he would always love him alone but never spoke a word of the truth of his feelings as Angel returned his every sizzling kiss, ravishing lick, naughty nip, and passionate touch with just as much fervor. He yearned for an eternity of these moments spent loving the man who would always possess all his heart and love with a burning need more powerful, desperate, and aching than anything else he'd ever known or, indeed, anything he would ever know, but he would take that eternity one moment in the shadows at a time as long as that was all his Angel would give him.
The End
Characters: Angel/Cordelia, Groo
Cordelia must deal with that which she claimed in the heat of the moment when she told Groo she loved him . . . when she loves another.
I stand at the window, sad eyes staring out at the night sky and watching the lightning streak across the sky. But it isn't the lightning that I really see. It's his face. The face that I have come to know nearly as well as my own. His handsome face, wretched and contorted by sadness. Sadness that I had given him. Sadness that I now hate myself for having given him.
Why? How could I have acted the way I did? How could I have said what I said? Just how horrible am I, any way!
For the thousandth time since we had returned from Pylea, the memory replays itself inside my head, tears springing to my eyes once more though I had thought I had none left. I can feel Dennis hovering nearby, his concern for his roommate great, but I ignore him. The last thing I need right now is another male to complicate my life.
"Not you, dumbass!"
The words that had left my own lips rang throughout my head like a gunshot. Why? Why? Heck, why did we even have to go to Pylea to begin with? And now, there's that damn Fred to contend with... Gods, don't let her want Angel. Don't let Angel want her! Nah. There's no way he could want her. She's too geeky even for him . . . Right? Gods, I pray so.
Once more, the memory replays itself. Once more, I cry. Why had I said what I said? Sure, I liked the Groosalugg okay and definitely wouldn't have had any problems consummating our "relationship" if not for that whole I-die-and-he-gets-my-visions thing. But the Groosalugg was still only a man. Maybe not your typical man, maybe rather studly, but still a man nonetheless.
Angel, on the other hand, is most definitely not your typical guy. Sure, he's a Vampire. The only Vampire with a soul even, but that isn't it. Angel is wonderful when in control of himself and not Angelus, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. In fact, there's only one sentence that does. Angel . . is . . . Angel.
Kinda basic, I know, but still, there's just no other thing that comes as close to describing him. Sure, I didn't always think so. There were even times when I hated him. But when we left Sunnydale and came out here to L.A., it was Angel that picked me up, Angel that dusted me off, Angel that made me come back to my senses and return to being what and who I truly am - Cordelia Chase, Bitch Supreme - and not just another struggling, starving would-be actress. It's Angel that makes certain I eat, Angel that takes care of me even if neither of us will admit it.
I can see that now, but what I still can't see is why the hell I was as stupid as I was. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him how I feel about him, but instead, I didn't even just let it pass me by. Heck no! I had to go and screw up my chances with him for the rest of eternity. Tears run freely down my cheeks at this thought, my mascara blurring my vision of the fierce storm raging outside.
The phone rings, jerking me back to reality, but I ignore it. I partially listen to the answering machine pick it up, and there's a soft click on the other end as the caller, whoever it was, hangs up. A despairing sigh escapes my lips. Angel. Oh, Angel. I'm so sorry!
An especially brilliant flash of lightning lights up the night sky like fireworks on New Year's Eve, and for a moment, I see him, standing there on the sidewalk below, gazing up at my window with those yummy, deep eyes of his. My breath catches in my throat. Does he see me? Does he know what I am thinking, feeling? A brief space of darkness vanishes him from me, and when the lightning returns to the same area, he's already gone. I turn away from the window, walk over to my bed, and fall in. The last thoughts that I have are once more of Angel, of how I have forever screwed myself over, and then a welcoming darkness as I fall unconscious from the sleepless hours I have spent mulling over the questions that constantly haunt my mind yet always never coming up with an answer.
In my dreams, I once more see his handsome face.
"Angel! Angel, I love you!" I shout.
He turns from me and walks away, and try as I do to catch him, he forever eludes me.
The End
Her, posted 7-18-06, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Angel/Cordelia, Angel/Buffy
Cordy's POV of how she thinks Angel feels.
Don't think I don't see you standing there,
Half in shadow, half in moonlight,
Looking at me, wishing I was her.
I wish you wouldn't look at me that way
With those puppy-dog eyes that
I ache to be able to lose myself in
And that make it so hard to tell you no.
I wish I didn't have to, but I do,
And that's why I grasp at straws,
Screaming about my personal bubble
Or claiming to love another when
I never have and never could.
But it's not me you want, not really,
So I don't have a true choice.
I'd do anything for you and anything for your love,
But I can't and I won't do that.
I can't be her, even though I
Know that's what you want, what you've always wanted.
You still love her. You still miss her.
Even after all this time, you still ache for her.
Sometimes I wish I was her
Just so that I would have the chance
To feel your love, to taste your sweet kisses,
And know that it was me you really wanted, truly loved.
But I can't be her, Angel, and I don't really want to be.
I never want to hurt you as badly as she has.
Why isn't that what you remember about her?
Why do you choose to forget everything she did to you?
She abandoned you. She chose idiots over you.
She even killed you,
But still you want her,
You love her, you grieve for her.
I've stood by you through it all.
I've borne incredible pain and came so close to death
Because of my visions, that I kept just because I knew
That without them, you'd have no use for me.
I even accepted your past and your son
And would have helped you raise him just
As if he had been ours if we'd ever had the chance.
Would she have done that?
Would she have stood by you through it all,
The good and the bad, the Heaven on Earth and the Hell?
Would she have held you while you cried for another woman
But still loved you the entire while?
I'd do anything to be with you, Angel,
To make you love me,
Anything but that.
I can't be her. I can't be the woman you love.
But why do you still love her after all she's done?
Why can't you open your eyes and look at me,
Look at the real me without seeing only what you want to see,
And see that there's a real, good woman here,
A woman who'd rather slit her own throat than ever hurt you,
A woman whose every breath is spent
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love?
You'll never see me for who and what I truly am, Angel.
You'll never love me. It'll always be her,
But I'll always be here,
For as long as you'll let me or until my death,
Whichever comes first.
I'll always be here,
Longing, yearning, crying out, dying inside for you,
For your touch, for your love.
I'll always be here, Angel,
And I'll always love you.
The End
His Guide, posted 3-13-12, rated T/PG-13
Characters: Angel+/Cordelia
Angel is lost without his beloved Cordelia.
She was his guide, Angel thought, standing alone at Cordelia's grave. She was his best friend, the one woman who'd never turned from him even when Hell enveloped him. Where was he supposed to go now? How was he supposed to be good without her bright and bubbly light piercing the darkness of his miserable life?
Angel looked up into the pouring rain and howled his fury, his fangs flashing in the night. His family was gone again. He no longer had Cordy. He no longer had anything! He fell upon her grave and wept, wishing he'd been killed instead.
The End
King and Queen, posted 2-14-09, rated G/K
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
Can Angel persuade Cordelia that the dress doesn't really matter?
"Cordy, are you sure you want me here?"
"Oh, Angel, don't be silly!" Cordelia admonished with a grin. "You're more than just my boyfriend; you're my best friend! Of course I want you here!"
"I could just give you my credit card and go."
She stopped, frozen in her tracks, and stared at him, her hazel eyes dancing with excitement, but finally, much to his dismay, she shook her head. "As much fun as that would be, I'd still rather have you here with me so that I can get your opinion." Her eyes twinkled mischievously, and her grin grew impish. "You could give it to me any way, you know, just to speed up the final process."
"If I have to stay," he returned firmly, "my credit card's staying exactly where it is."
She pouted but, knowing he wouldn't give in that easily, returned to her pursuit.
A moment skipped between them of Cordelia searching while Angel fidgeted uneasily. "Cordy," he tried again, "I really don't belong here."
"Nonsense, Angel! Men are welcome! They don't usually come unless dragged in here, true, but they're still welcome. No one's going to say a word. Some of them might oogle you a little too much - you are definitely way, way worth oogling," she admitted, her eyes drifting over his handsome form appreciatively, " - in which case I may just have to slap their eyes back into their heads. But you're definitely welcome, and if you're not, then your money always is, and besides, I want your opinion."
"My opinion?"
"Of course! Angel," she said, turning around to face him and unconsciously holding a garment up beside her body, as though offering him a taste of things to come, "this is our first dance together! I don't want anybody upstaging us and I want to make sure that we look like the perfect couple we are and, of course, I want your opinion! I always value your opinion. I may not always agree with it, but I always value it. And especially on dresses. I want to knock your socks off, but I also want to make sure that we are matching and the King and Queen of the dance floor." {You may not be able to dance the part,} she added silently, not wanting to hurt his feelings as she paused for a breath, {but you can certainly look it!}
"Cordelia," Angel began, his voice so low that many would have been spooked by it though his beautiful Seer stood her ground, stalking stealthily forward to close the distance between them, "this is not the Prom. I wasn't lucky enough to attend your Prom with you. I should have been there with you, not with Buffy, but that is past. It's behind us now, and Buffy's only a friend. I'm not interested in her that way and - "
"This isn't about Buffy!" she snapped, her hazel eyes flaring.
He paused, confusion creasing his brow. "Then why the King and Queen comment?" he asked innocently. "I thought only Proms crowned Kings and Queens."
She sighed, her full mouth hovering somewhere between a half-hearted grin and a frown. "It's just an expression, Angel. I didn't think you were still thinking about Buffy. I thought I had finally gotten you over that damn Slayer."
"You have," he was quick to reassure her as he closed the distance between them and stood right before her with barely a breath left between their bodies. The fabric of the dress she was holding brushed against his jacket. "Buffy's only a friend and barely that. You're much more than just my girl," he repeated her earlier words with his twist, "and my Seer and secretary. You're my best friend. You're what keeps me sane through the Demons and - "
His eyes shifted around to the other shoppers. No one had noticed what he was saying yet, but if he continued, they might. He lowered his voice and shifted tactics slightly. " - and everything else. You keep me wanting to do the right thing. You give me hope in an otherwise dark world."
As he was talking, he had gently grasped her shoulders and worked his way up, caressing her tender, seductive flesh, to her face. Now he brushed a strand of loose hair out of her eyes, cupped her face, and slightly lifted her head so that he could look directly into her breath-taking eyes. "You save me, Cordelia. Every day, every night, you save me. Just knowing you're waiting for me downstairs with that cup of cinnamon blo - drink is enough to make me want to get up and carry on, no matter what else is happening. You're the only one for me, and you always will be." He sealed his words with a powerfully passionate and yet simultaneously gentle kiss that left her gasping for air and trembling slightly in his hands.
"As for the dress," he resumed with a slight shrug, smiling into her eyes, "it doesn't matter to me what you wear. You're always the most beautiful, most fascinating creature I've ever had the pleasure of setting eyes upon. If I still breathed, you'd take my breath away every time I looked at you."
She laid her hand, with quivering fingers, against his chest and felt his heartbeat racing, for him at least, and skipping underneath her palm. Her dazzled eyes grew moist with tears; her smile was already as huge as it could possibly be. His right hand covered her own. "No matter what you wear, you'll always be my Queen, Cordelia, my Princess, my heroine, my savior, my love, my soul mate. You are everything that is good and sweet in this world to me, and you always will be."
He pledged his eternal love to her in a kiss that rocked her world and shook her to her very core, and as his wondrous mouth filled her with such enormously good and fluffy feelings and she rose into the clouds of pure elation and ultimate happiness, she vaguely heard the crowd that had grown around them clapping. Her last thought was that what they wore really didn't matter any longer for he would always be her King just as he had told her, and she knew in her joyfully-singing heart, that she would forever be his Queen.
The End
Love's Real Bitch, posted 1-21-13, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Spike, Angel, Buffy
He'll remind him who love's bitch really is.
"When are you going to wake up?" Spike snarled, running Angel through with a hot beam. "They're bloody Happy Meals, ya great Poof! Ya used to know that!"
"That was before - "
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the whole conscience bit! This isn't you! It's that damn curse! You know humans are only good for eating and terrorizing."
"We humans," Buffy snapped as rescue arrived, "have something to say about that!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, and for screwing." He flew into battle, promising himself Angel would remember what humans really were good for and, more importantly, who love's bitch really was.
The End
Love To Last An Eternity, posted 4-7-10, rated PG-13/T
Characters: Doyle/Cordy
Cordelia finally gets the chance to answer Doyle's question when she awakens on the other side.
"We'll never know if this is a face ye could learn tae love." The words echoed through her mind as the blinding white light finally subsided and she found herself staring at a man who had haunted her dreams for years both with the handsome face that was smiling at her now and the more grotesque mask of the Demon within who he'd only allowed her to see once.
"Yes," she finally answered the question that he'd never been able to fully ask her and kissed him.
Doyle pulled back slightly. Though the kiss was heavenly - all he'd ever wished it to be and more -, questions swirled through his mind. He had to be sure he was understanding her right before they continued. "Princess?" he asked, his Irish lilt caressing her ears.
She smiled as his mere voice sent more shivers sweeping through her. "The answer is yes, Doyle."
"Wha' was th' question?"
She gave his arm a playful push. "You know what the question was - the one you wanted to ask me."
"If ye could luv me?"
"If I could love your Demon face. Doyle, I already love you. I have for years as a good friend, if nothing more."
"Tha' 'twas nae a friendship kiss, Princess."
"No," she agreed, grinning, "it wasn't."
He knew she wasn't ready to let go of her doubts about their relationship so quickly just because they were together again, so he spoke reassuringly, "We've a whole eternity tae find oot what it is." He cupped her beautiful face, his fingers entwining in her silky, raven hair that he was glad to see was long again in the afterlife, and leaned closer. "Shall we try tha' again?"
"Yes," she breathed, tingling from head to foot. She did love this man, she realized, and she would tell him after the shock of reuniting had settled down for the both of them. That way he would know there were no more doubts in her mind.
"Welcome home, Princess," he murmured before his lips touched hers. Her mouth opened readily beneath his gentle touch. His tongue swept into her mouth, sparking a passionate dance with hers, as he kissed her deeper in a promise of pleasure and love to last them an eternity.
The End
Marry, Shag, or Throw Off A Cliff?, posted 2-13-09, rated M/R
Characters: Spike/Angel, Ensemble
Spike debates just what to do with Angel.
"So what do you think I should do with Angel?" Spike asked darkly, his gaze shifting between Gunn and Lorne. "Sell him, marry, shag, or throw off a cliff?"
"You'd better not sell me!" Angel protested hotly. His face flushed from the mere thought of being sold.
Spike shrugged as he leaned back in his chair and surveyed him, his legs spread apart. He grinned, a tip of one fang showing. "Why not? You'd bring a pretty nice price."
"Is that all I am to you?" Angel challenged. "A means to money?"
Spike pressed a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. "Well, it is the way it's normally done, Angel," Gunn put in from where his brown eyes had been darting between the two Vampires like a ping pong match.
"Just because it's normally done," Lorne chimed in, "doesn't mean it has to be done."
"Yeah," Spike remarked, holding up a blue peg, "but it is the way of the game." Angel glared at Spike as he moved to cash him in with the banker. Spike shrugged and blew him a kiss. When Angel shrugged it off, Spike crooned, "Oh, what's a matter? Big, bad Angelus got his feelings hurt?" Angel growled, and Spike's grin grew. "Oh, really, big boy? Just what are you going to do with me?" He indicated the blue peg sitting next to Angel's token in his little car.
Angel leaned over the board game so that his face was barely a breath away from Spike's. "Come to the bedroom," he challenged, his full fangs glistening, "and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with you, and it damn sure isn't selling you! In fact . . . " He clicked a cuff around Spike's wrist. " . . . you'll come along now like a good little boy."
"What if I don't?" Spike demanded, shadows chasing over the blonde Vampire's face as he bared his fangs in mock threat.
Angel grinned. "Be bad; that's even more fun."
Gunn and Lorne were left shaking their heads in amazement. "All those two ever do any more is shag!" Gunn complained as another blast of thunder shook the building.
Lorne leaned back, laughing. "I don't know. The way they argue, a lot of people would think they're already married!" Unlike Gunn, he was glad to see his friends happy and truly thankful that they had this down time to enjoy.
The End
Not Sucking, posted 4-2-13, rated G/K
Characters: Angel/Cordelia
"Very occasionally, if you pay really close attention, life doesn't suck." - Joss Whedon
Her new dress was shredded. Slime and blood dripped down her nubile body. But they had won. The world was saved, innocent lives spared, and they had made it out alive together. "Cordelia!" Smiling, Cordy turned toward Angel and was swallowed up by his hug. They almost hadn't made it, but they had. She hugged him tightly as their other friends came closer. Queen C would have been bitching nonstop, but Cordelia was happy. She had her friends, her life, and her love, and as long as she had Angel, life couldn't suck, no matter how many dresses she lost.
The End
One Moment At A Time With His Angel, posted 9-8-10, rated M/R
Characters: Spike/Angel
Spike will take his moments of pleasure, happiness, and love with his beloved Angel where he will allow him to do so, even if he knows Hell will always follow every treasured moment.
The night was done; the battle was over. He should have been happy, his blood lust sated and soul victorious, but he was not for as he gazed into the shadows and met the dark eyes of his partner, he understood the message silently shining in those beseeching, enchanting eyes. Would he come with him for one more day, spend one more day in his arms, and then let him run away into the night as he always did when he was finished with him? Would he allow him to find his paradise in his arms one more time and then thrust him away once again like discarded trash?
Spike froze as he gazed into Angel's eyes, but already he knew the answer. It would be the same one he always gave him; the same one he had always eventually given his grandsire when in control of his own being; the same one he would always give him, no matter how many times he destroyed his black heart after sharing with him the bliss he had always only found in his strong, loving, but also unforgiving arms; the same one that granted him what he needed even more than he needed the blood that coiled, warming, in his stomach; and the same one that would always condemn him to being love's bitch. He was love's bitch, and he had never once denied that fact.
Spike swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and walked through the shadows that were beginning to fade. The other fighters were forgotten by the two Vampires as they embraced in the shadows. Angel angled his head for Spike's neck, and Spike shivered deliciously inside as he ran his tongue over a cut and drank his blood. Angel pulled back after a fleeting moment and gazed into Spike's eyes, his cold, pale hands caressing his handsome face. "We have to hurry. The sun will be up soon."
Spike gave a brief nod, the only answer he'd dared allow himself to give at this time. A thousand emotions swirled through him at once: the eternal need and undying love he would always feel for Angel alone; the misery that plagued him for he knew the painful misery and betrayal that would come when Angel was done with him this time; and the fury that radiated through his every fiber at the thought of the Hell to which Angel condemned them both. He knew he loved him, or else he'd have not come to him again and again throughout the centuries they'd shared together. Yet, also with just as much surety, Spike knew that Angel would never allow himself to admit that he loved a monster, no more than he would stop running from the monster that always lurked within himself.
Spike wanted to beg Angel to stop running, cease his hiding, and embrace the love that they'd been given though neither of them deserved it, but he refused the burning need in his being for he knew that doing so would only cause his beloved Angel to become his tormenting Demon even more swiftly. He would yell at him, scream at him, refuse their love, cuss him out in every language they knew, inform him heatedly that he was only an ends to a means and could never be anything more for he was good now whereas Spike would never be as good as he was for he'd never possess a soul of such purity, and then he'd hit him. He'd hit him again and again, and Spike would either respond, prompting them both to beat each other to a bloody pulp, or he would crawl away, slide deeper into the shadows that always offered him protection, and lick his wounds. Either way, he would be cheated of the moments Angel was offering him now, the rare moments of love that Angel actually allowed himself to give them, and those were moments for which he would gladly give anything, even the soul he'd fought so hard to achieve, and they were the moments that truly made his unlife worth surviving.
Thus it was that Spike stepped into Angel's waiting arms and let him pull him into hiding from the first rays of the rising sun. He let him kiss him and shivered inside. He let Angel's hands roam over him as his own hands tentatively reached out and began to touch the sensual body that filled his every good dream. He moaned when he slipped his tongue into his mouth and deepened their kiss, and he began to respond at last in full and hearty eagerness as he pushed the thoughts of what would come that night to the furthest recesses of his mind. It would happen, he knew. Angel would betray him again, turn away from him and toss him and their love away as he always did, but Spike also knew that he would come again. After all, he always did, and as much as his beloved grandsire would never admit, Spike knew, with a silent grin chasing his dark lips, that he, too, was love's bitch.
He whispered none of the words of love that churned through his poet's mind but took all that Angel offered him, gave him everything he possessed, and silently begged for an eternity of more. He showed him with his touches how much he would always love him alone but never spoke a word of the truth of his feelings as Angel returned his every sizzling kiss, ravishing lick, naughty nip, and passionate touch with just as much fervor. He yearned for an eternity of these moments spent loving the man who would always possess all his heart and love with a burning need more powerful, desperate, and aching than anything else he'd ever known or, indeed, anything he would ever know, but he would take that eternity one moment in the shadows at a time as long as that was all his Angel would give him.
The End
