Hopepunk Princess

Crowdsourcing opinions: what's an email service you like/recommend? I want to leave Gmail and only use it for signing into websites because nowadays it's all Gemini this Gemini that.

I saw an amazing Tumblr post about a Chinese poet who was so brilliant and her man so mediocre 😭 the love story she didn't deserve. She made a poem puzzle that yields more poems the more you look at it. So cool!

Historic medical event: I had an online consultation with a gynaecologist and she said my periods are definitely not normal. No hesitation, no excuses, just straight up "That's not normal. Have you had an ultrasound done?" And when I said I never have, she said I needed to get one done, along with a blood test. And that once I got tested, the results would give her some idea of where to go from here.

First time a doctor has said heavy painful periods are not normal, and that we need to find out causes.

She prescribed that I'm got to get tested for my complete blood count, fasting blood sugar, free testosterone, total testosterone, liver function test, serum creatine, fasting lipid profile, HDA1C (haemoglobin A1C), fasting insulin, HOMA IR (for insulin resistance), Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, prolactin. And I've got to get an ultrasound of my abdomen and pelvis.

I saw an Instagram post by The Period Lab about what to get tested in your bloodwork if you have bleeding more than 8 diva cups over your entire period (I bleed that amount in ONE DAY) and there's a lot of overlap, but also other things not included in my prescription that I want to get done as well:

Hung out with my friend Nikki today! We met for the first time at a get-together for polerinas that my instructor put together. And we were comfortable with each other right away. Today, she had the day off for Christmas. We had lunch at a cafe, a hummus platter and a vegan banana walnut cake. She has similar gut issues as I do so we enjoy ordering food together; neither of us feels like we're making the other person miss out on something else they'd rather eat.

Afterwards, we went to the library. I finished reading the book I'd borrowed, and she browsed for a while before picking out a pile of books and then flipping through them to decide what she wanted to borrow. I borrowed Butter by Asako Yuzuki, and it's the specific edition that I'd been eyeing in Shelfish ever since I worked there and wasn't allowed to read the books. (You know, when you're not allowed to do something you want to doubly do it.) Is the fact that the library had it a Sign? Anything's a sign if you want to give it significance. I'm healing, so it's a Sign.

Nikki had wanted to go to Spinebreaker or Shelfish initially. I told her that both places had traumatised me and that it was a long story. She thought I was joking at first, but I didn't want to go into the whole history of both places and why I wasn't welcome at either. I told her that it was awkward telling people that I was traumatised by bookstores because, when I tell them I was traumatised by school for instance, they instinctively understand, but when I say I was traumatised by bookstores, they think I must be joking.

The part I didn't tell her is that when people react like this, it feels like they're laughing at what I experienced or trivialising my hurt, even though they mostly don't know enough to react aptly in the first place. It's just such a difficult thing to talk to people about that I wish it never came up in the first place. The emotional labour of explaining it and making them understand the impact it had on me just sucks, as a process. For a while, I've been thinking that they can't understand me as a person without knowing this about me, but maybe this isn't as big a part of my self as all that. At one point it defined everything about the way I was, but thankfully that time is behind me. As the heroine of the manhwa Not Your Typical Reincarnation Story says, people heal with time and people are more resilient than they think.

There's a Cozy Fantasy Book Blast happening, and I picked up Good Neighbours by Stephanie Burgis, and Tsumiko and the Enslaved Fox by Forthright. Speaking of cozy, I had a conversation on the FaRo discord about project-hopping, because while I know I'll return to angsty paranormal romance in future projects and am committed to writing Book Two of Bloodhunt Academy right now, I need to have a cozy fantasy writing project ongoing alongside. The cozy dragon romantasy is what I'm eyeing right now. While they're two different vibes, I'm going to keep them on the same pen name (I looked at my collection of book ideas and realised I'm not a writer who can come up with similar things for long in the first place).
( We've been menstruating so many centuries, and yet. )
How does one go through life WITHOUT feminine rage? Given everything?

Yesterday I met friends! Trish, who I haven't seen for years, and we were later joined by Venky, who I likewise haven't seen for years, even though we live in the same city. I love them, but they've had different lives and schedules from me because they're self-employed business-people, and Trish was my first and best employer, aeons ago. (That business of hers shut due to the pandemic). I could've still wrangled meeting them, but in the aftermath of the indie bookstore debacle I felt insecure and out of place around them and their friends. I had never felt it so starkly, that they had privilege (capital) that I didn't, as during that time when I was going from shit job to shit job. I avoided hanging out with them, although we've been in touch on and off via text. Thankfully, our friendship is the kind that feels like we are picking up exactly where we left off.

Interestingly, despite not having income coming in right now, and despite telling them all about how I started out in the workforce five years ago on a 40k rupee ($450) salary and being laid off a couple of months ago from a 45k rupee ($500) salary, despite telling them all about how it has turned out that working a job gives me neither stability nor financial independence, that I have seen no growth or increase in income, that I don't believe I will have a future if I choose to bet that future on working jobs... I didn't feel insecure or out of place with them. I felt comfortable, even understood. I even told Trish about how it was the part-time job she had given me that enabled me to negotiate my first full-time salary to be $450, because I lied and said Trish's job paid on a sliding scale up to that amount, so that they had to offer to match it.

Wen I left the cafe, on the way home I felt uplifted as I usually feel after spending time with friends.

Trish and I talked about self-care. About how she doesn't have a work-life balance because she's working in a family business, but she gets to decide to take time off without applying for it, and is trying to do that more. About her horrendous boyfriend and how our friends are finding decent men and we aren't (and how that's entirely luck, because we have literally tried exactly what worked for our friends, but we can't control who we get to meet in this life nor can we control how other people treat us). About how I have felt helpless when trying to find something good in the job market, and how I need to carve out flexibility and freedom for myself because employers aren't going to do that, they're going to pigeonhole me. About how I'm never going to feel like I've figured it out in life because nobody feels like that, or not for long. About how Trish needs long breaks between socialising while I need it with somewhat regularity (we settled on meeting once a month after I made her self-conscious by looking at her in happy silence and she asked, 'What?' and I said I was committing her presence to memory). She loves villainess isekai, like me, and we shared recommendations with each other.

Venky and I talked about how self-discovery goes on forever. I said wanting to figure everything out is probably mid-twenties angst and he and Trish said it's forever angst. Venky asked me whether I had thought about working in education (Trish makes curricula and teacher training programs) and I told them about the disastrous teaching job that I bled straight through because my uterus thought I was running from predators every day. I also said that if I got a job now... nothing would change, and I wouldn't feel like I'm in a better place than before. Venky said this was a good time to think about what I want, a good time to change, since I'm what, twenty-four? I said no, I'm twenty-eight. Venky was surprised, recovered, and said, well I'm thirty and I can tell you... it doesn't necessarily get easier when you're thirty. Or ever, probably.

And that doesn't sound reassuring at all but it was strangely reassuring and comforting!

I came home, texted both of them, and then the next day both my mother and father wanted to talk about it. My mother annoyed me by asking me whether I asked Trish to employ me again if she's planning to start something of her own again. If that's what I say to Trish after meeting her for the first time in years, that gives me an agenda I didn't have, and also, that's a surefire way to make me feel weird about our friendship just when I'm feeling belongingness again. My father told me I should look into stock trading because he's learning to do it, and the thought of doing that when I have no incoming money stresses me tf out (plus he's doing a course on it, that's so demanding, I definitely don't have the spoons for it right now). I'm like CAN YOU GIVE IT A REST. Also, whenever they do this I want to scream that if they want me to do a job so bad, they should have been supportive of the indie bookstore job when it was offered to me. I was telling Trish that I realised I have to keep my own counsel about important life decisions, and not involve them or discuss anything with them, but they brought these topics up by themselves because they knew I met Trish and they know she was once my employer.

Anyway, that affected me, although I didn't want it to. Apparently it's a Libra thing to be sensitive to the feedback of those around you, and it's just my luck that those around me are family. I know that looking for a job or trying to figure out a way to earn money for its own sake is not the right thing for me to do right now. Whenever I ask the Tarot whether I should job search again, I draw the Nine of Swords, which is a clear mental health warning. There is no point working if it's going to make me depressed. There is no point getting a job right now when it's going to make me hopeless. I'll apply for something if I come across it and it seems promising, but I'm not going to actively search for jobs or do any sort of labour other than writing and fannish labour.

And this might not make sense to people but my life doesn't have to look sensible from the outside when it's rotting me from the inside. I want a life that enriches me from the inside. I want to repair my relationship with myself so that I enjoy my own company more than any other, once more. I want to curl up into the passing of time like a contented cat.

Moontime began today. It was preceded by one long cramp, one that doesn't flare and subside but is a constant burn, and I took naps until it faded. One of the corporates here set up a public library as a corporate social responsibility (CSR) initiative, so my city finally has a public library! FINALLY. I can read physical books without buying them. I visited it this morning and borrowed A Curse So Dark And Lonely. Angsty romantasy might be nice to read when I'm hormonal.

The library also sent an email to its members saying they were taking job applications and preferred candidates qualified with an M.A. in English, which I have. So I applied. But a couple of hours later they sent an email saying they were recalling their previous email. So I have no idea whether they're actually hiring or not; I don't know why they would draft a hiring email in the first place if they didn't need to. I asked the tarot whether I'd get the job and drew the Hermit. That's a no, and it's also telling me I will (or should) spend more time living slow and looking inwards.

I travelled to Mumbai to attend the K-town festival. This is K-town 3.0, which means there was a 1.0 and a 2.0 (both of which I missed because I didn't even find out they happened in the first place, until now). There was no WAY I was missing this year's festival after finding out it happens.

I SAW TAEMIN LIVE. He just walked onto the stage and started performing Move (!!!!) with no preamble, no warning, no mic check. I went feral. He was wearing a tank top and a jacket/shrug that he kept shrugging off to show his arms and it was amazing. I've always thought, from videos of his performances, that he had breathtaking artisty and grace, stylistic movements all his own. But live, Taemin Hits Different. He was like a celestial being, whatever the male version of an apsara is.

I was suffering as a short girl who'd bought the cheapest tickets in the standing area way at the back, because random uselessly tall Indian guys kept blocking my view. Also people kept coming and going from the more expensive areas, walking in front of me or making me have to step back to make way for them. And when Taemin was due to perform there was a huge surge towards the barricade, so seeing him was harder than seeing the other performers. I was doing a lot of neck-craning and tiptoe-standing, and my shoulders ached.

However! It was all so surreal and such a dopamine hit! He was THERE. Taemin was there, he's REAL, y'all! Like, he might be a celestial fairy but he also, like, exists ON THE SAME PLANE AS ME. He performed Move, Advice, Deja Vu, Criminal and Sexy in the Air. Only five songs sobs BUT three of them are favourites of mine. I wish we got a whole concert of him but you know what. I'm so damn lucky I got to see him. I SAW HIM PERFORM MOVE LIVE. WHAT!!!

I posted a few clips in an Instagram post (Insta shortened all the clips, as Insta does, but it doesn't matter because this is just to document my ferality. Other people are sure to post actual fancams later.) You'll notice I couldn't hold the camera straight or steady or focused. Nor could I stop people blocking my camera with their whole heads. But you'll also notice I was shouting my head off cheering for Taemin and yelling the lyrics to his songs, which is the bit that I wanted to capture. I'M WINNING AT LIFE.

After the festival I felt this sense of wonder because Taemin is REAL and he's THERE, but I also felt an overwhelming melancholy. I was like, that was such a dopamine hit, what do you mean I can't do this every weekend? What do you mean that might be the first and last time I see Taemin live? K-pop acts almost never come to India… but maybe this is a sign times are changing. I don't know. I did a tarot reading about this and got the Ace of Cups, just a lot of feelings, big feelings. I love that I saw him, I'm sorry that I couldn't see him better, and I want to see him again and again.

I'm waiting for fancams of his K-town performance to be uploaded and then I'll share them here. In the meanwhile, if you're curious about just how ethereal he is live, this will give you an idea:



Going to talk about the other performers in a separate post because this post is already long and fulsome with Taemin squee.

It was raining outside, a slanting shower, and when I stood out on the balcony to watch, I saw a frog hopping around. It was an ambitious one. It wanted to hop over the bricked ledge that hems in the bushes. It couldn't jump high enough, but after hopping along for a bit, it would try again. Until it came to some plants in individual pots and disappeared behind them, finally getting the cover of green I suppose it wanted.

I finished drafting Chapter One of Fangs Out for Blood, the sequel to Bloodhunt Academy (and book two of the duology). I'm enjoying the... slow drip of dopamine? That comes of hitting a writing milestone, and I'm remembering that I enjoy writing!

Moontime is due on the 17th and I'm not PMSing this time around. It's amazing. I've been seed cycling regularly since my last period (I have the time now that I'm technically jobless) and this is the result. No constant rage. No nightmares. No remembering every single time anyone has ever done me wrong. No hot flushes. No cramps. None of the symptoms I suffered a week, sometimes two weeks in advance of my period. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my flow is lighter this time.

A DW friend has been sending me memes on Discord and it's the second thing that made me grin today (the first thing being every attempt the frog made, undaunted, to leap over the Great Wall).

Bloodhunt Academy is officially out, in all its glory. Right now it's available on the Zon and KU but gradually, as spoons allow, I'll be looking at how to make it available to digital libraries (perhaps via Hoopla? And Overdrive to get the book into Libby?) Research is pending.

If you know someone who'd like to read a polyamorous romance about bisexual vampires who fall in love with humans, trust-building, and rebels in dystopia, word of mouth helps. And that's enough promo for today. (I have sent the launch newsletter, updated website and posted to Instagram. I should post to Bluesky but don't feel like. I'll do it tomorrow.)

Moontime began today. My cramps were affecting me even before my moontime began. I got skin patches that are supposed to be for sleep, because they have magnesium, L-theanine and valerian which also relieve cramps. I tried them and they work! The patches also have melatonin and chamomile and so on for sleep, but wearing one during the day didn't make me sleepy. Taking a walk for an hour helped ease the cramps, too.

My gut is absolutely wrecked though, and I don't know what to do about that. It's utterly exhausting me. Probably the prostaglandins going overboard.

I started watching Bon Appetit, Your Majesty in which a modern-day chef goes back in time to the Joseon era and captivates people's tastebuds, ending up in the royal kitchens. I was expecting it to be cozy but while the cooking and eating bits are cozy, the rest of it is hella stressful because the royals are all pieces of work and the male lead is a tyrant king. Our chef is in mortal danger every episode even though all she's trying to do is cook and get by peacefully until she can find her way back to 2025 😭 not the ideal moontime watch, so I'm looking for something else. I do have a bunch of cozy fantasy books amassed from a couple of sales. I'm currently reading an ARC of Lidiya Foxglove's Wanted: Brooding Man, Tragic Past which releases in a couple of days and which is delightful. Not cozy but not uncozy either, and that's a middle ground I enjoy.

( Figuring out an author newsletter )

CIX had a comeback today! It's my first comeback with them since the one that started me on the path of becoming their fan (Thunder). I like this new song! Its official translated title is 'Wonder You' though if I was phrasing it I'd say something like 'Wondering About You'. The sound of the song is very CIX, it sounds like their music. I've yet to listen to the rest of the EP. Seunghun is wearing glasses here and I love that.



The actual MV:


I love the blonde hair on Yonghee, and Hyunsuk looks even more angelic than usual. However, it looks like their company used AI for the sets instead of CGI or like, actual sets, and the fandom is collectively disappointed by that. I saw user storkmuffin say on tumblr the other day that loving our k-pop idols whilst hating their company is like the definitive/universal k-pop fan experience (I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist).

The boys are perfect, the song is very Them so I approve, but the video is an injustice. Their suit dance is a better watch.