[Oop. That sure is the sound of someone very mad knocking on his door, and Shaun has a pretty good guess that it's Sheehan. Maggie doesn't know yet how very dumb he was, and he's not sure she'd bang down his door right now anyway, with things as tense as they are between them. He goes to the door, pausing before he opens it to glance back at the literal arsenal behind him.
Welp. Sheehan's already mad. He probably can't get madder, right? He opens the door.]
I could have lost you. You could have died, really died. [He puts a hand in Shaun's chest and pushes him back, all flame and fire and heat and - worry.]
[Shaun is a little taken aback by the intensity of Sheehan's reaction, and the fact that there's real emotion there. He's not sure what to do with that, so he plays it off like he usually does. With a joke.]
What, I'm supposed to give up my coping mechanism just because you're cranky?
[Yeah, but he doesn't want to feel those things, or put a name to the squirmy unhappy feeling in his gut at the look on Sheehan's face.]
[That would be the guilt.]
Literally shut up. Fuck you for not being where I could reach you anyway. [He turns his attention beck to Sheehan.] Anyway, how the fuck was I supposed to know that if you died in Port you died in Real Life? No one knew that.
[That, of course, is to George, because why the fuck not?]
You didn't know a goddamn thing. And you were so eager to wade into that fucking river. I had to bring Una with me. I had to bring Arthur. [And his voice cracks there.]
Fuck you for making me put their lives in danger, too. I could have lost every single person I care about in one trip because of your stupidity.
[A little too late, he realizes that he had never actually told Shaun who he was dating.]
[That brings him up short. Well, fuck. He knows that feeling from the inside, and wouldn't wish it on anyone, even if he is pissed. He's not really pissed at Sheehan. He's just an easy target.]
Yeah, well. [He's not sure what to follow that with, though, so he just shrugs and glances where Sheehan is looking.]
This is my apartment at home. [He motions to the doors that don't lead anywhere.] There would be more through there if we were really in Oakland.
[And there's that twinge of guilt again. Maggie told him what happens to Oakland because it has the misfortune of being where he decided to set up shop.]
[He takes a step away, reaching up to put his hands behind his head. He leaves them there, breathing through the feelings. Grounding himself. Centering himself.]
[Shaun frowns.] I've had this shit since before you got here, and it's never been a problem yet. This is... I'm not going to say it's bog standard for everyone, because I know it's not, but for Irwins? It's not that weird.
Most people only bitch at me for not bothering to 'move in' or whatever.
[Sheehan's tired. He's tired and he's a little sick. But he reaches out and hesitantly puts his hands on Shaun's shoulders.]
I'm going to say this in the hopes that even if you don't care about the people here - you care about me.
You could have gotten me demoted, Shaun. If you killed someone, on my watch, then it's not just your ass on the line.
[Sheehan doesn't know if that's actually true or not, but it's not the point.]
It's mine.
But you didn't think about that. In the entire time you've had this, you didn't think about it. You didn't once think about anyone else but yourself. That's what I mean when I said that I failed you.
[Fuck. He's... right. Sheehan is completely right about this, and even the thought that this is just life at home doesn't stop Shaun from realizing how much of a fuckup this is. Getting Sheehan demoted? No. Fuck no. Somehow, he would actually rather give up his guns.]
[He doesn't shrug off the hands. Sheehan doesn't even make his skin crawl.]
Yeah.
[He looks around them. There's... a lot. Having this many weapons makes sense when he's an Irwin--ready to do weird shit for clicks at the drop of a hat. But he's not an Irwin here. He hasn't really been one since George died, despite his certifications. This many guns in one place is... kind of psycho.]
[Some of it probably could be thrown overboard. There's some specialist shit that would definitely never see use in a real situation, but for the rest...]
I'd rather you hold onto it. Except--
[He takes out the one (small) gun he carries with him at all times and shows it to Sheehan. Most people probably wouldn't consider admitting to a concealed weapon to be an intimate confession. But this is Shaun.]
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Furious.
As soon as Shaun is in his room, Sheehan is pounding on the door.]
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Welp. Sheehan's already mad. He probably can't get madder, right? He opens the door.]
Maybe you should switch to decaf.
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Don't be a smartass right now, Shaun.
I could have lost you. You could have died, really died. [He puts a hand in Shaun's chest and pushes him back, all flame and fire and heat and - worry.]
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What, I'm supposed to give up my coping mechanism just because you're cranky?
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Yes, Shaun. I want you to feel a single goddamn feeling without it coming out of your mouth in a joke.
I want you to feel an ounce of shame or guilt and sit with it.
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[That would be the guilt.]
Literally shut up. Fuck you for not being where I could reach you anyway. [He turns his attention beck to Sheehan.] Anyway, how the fuck was I supposed to know that if you died in Port you died in Real Life? No one knew that.
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[That, of course, is to George, because why the fuck not?]
You didn't know a goddamn thing. And you were so eager to wade into that fucking river. I had to bring Una with me. I had to bring Arthur. [And his voice cracks there.]
Fuck you for making me put their lives in danger, too. I could have lost every single person I care about in one trip because of your stupidity.
[A little too late, he realizes that he had never actually told Shaun who he was dating.]
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No one told you to go after me.
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[He shoves his hands in his pockets.]
Take some responsibility for your actions. Sit with your guilt. It won't kill you.
[He is vaguely aware that he should be more tactful than this, but he can't. He won't.]
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[He folds his arms across his chest, feeling defensive.] I'm not sorry I tried, though.
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That's not good enough.
[And he finally sets his sights on Shaun's room. On his arsenal. And he is tired.]
What the hell is all this?
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This is my apartment at home. [He motions to the doors that don't lead anywhere.] There would be more through there if we were really in Oakland.
[And there's that twinge of guilt again. Maggie told him what happens to Oakland because it has the misfortune of being where he decided to set up shop.]
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Fuck.
Shaun.
I really have been failing you, haven't I?
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What? No. Fuck, why would you even say that?
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You have these weapons here. Why? Why so many? Why this?
What if something had happened? What if you hurt people, Shaun? Innocent people who aren't walking dead?
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Most people only bitch at me for not bothering to 'move in' or whatever.
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I'm going to say this in the hopes that even if you don't care about the people here - you care about me.
You could have gotten me demoted, Shaun. If you killed someone, on my watch, then it's not just your ass on the line.
[Sheehan doesn't know if that's actually true or not, but it's not the point.]
It's mine.
But you didn't think about that. In the entire time you've had this, you didn't think about it. You didn't once think about anyone else but yourself. That's what I mean when I said that I failed you.
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I.
Fuck.
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Yeah. Fuck.
You have to make a change, Shaun. You have to do something different. You aren't home.
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Yeah.
[He looks around them. There's... a lot. Having this many weapons makes sense when he's an Irwin--ready to do weird shit for clicks at the drop of a hat. But he's not an Irwin here. He hasn't really been one since George died, despite his certifications. This many guns in one place is... kind of psycho.]
What do you think I should do with them?
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[He steps closer, shaking his head.] If you can't stomach that, then - give them to me? I can put them all in - in a big locker or something.
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I'd rather you hold onto it. Except--
[He takes out the one (small) gun he carries with him at all times and shows it to Sheehan. Most people probably wouldn't consider admitting to a concealed weapon to be an intimate confession. But this is Shaun.]
I want to keep this one. It was George's.
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You can keep it. Can I put an Admiral restriction on it? That you can only use it in true defense of yourself or someone else?
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Yeah. That'd work.
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[And then, in a very impulsive move, he pulls him into an embrace.]
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